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Parenting Issues Adoption, kids going to college, multiple children, step parenting, empty nesters, pregnancy issues and more. stay at home parents, working parents, so much to discuss here!

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Old 10-04-2006, 10:49 AM
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My step daughter is ruining my marriage...HELP

I am recently married, my husband has a 16 year old who lives with us. She has done everything in her power to break us up, encluding acting up and throwing a fit at our wedding. she never helps out in the house(she has no chores- her dad would rather do it than argue with her) She doesn't work but exspects things, she pits his ex wife against him, she is such a drama queen. She is failing ALL her classes in school and when I say something he says he will handle it, but it just gets swept under the rug. She never has to account for her actions and it is starting to take a toll on us. I do all of the housework and I feel it is unfair that he doesn't make her contribute to the chores. She has a new car, a $400.00 cell phone and anything she wants. I drives me crazy. Please, someone give me some advice
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Old 10-13-2006, 08:43 AM
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Hopefully you can hold on until she moves out!!!

Seriously, my step sister was very attached to her dad and my mom had a very hard time with her. The whole family went to counseling and it helped a lot!!!

Mom learned to give Linda (we were both Lindas) and her dad time together and Linda learned to give my mom and her new husband time together.

My mom *never* disciplined her or her brothers and my step dad *never* disciplined me or my brother.

We all had chores and the appropriate parent was in charge of making sure the chores were done by the teen, or they just didn't get done. Needless to say we were never required to do something that would cause a disaster if it didn't get done.

We did our own laundry and suffered if it didn't get done. We cleaned our own rooms.

Allowance was tied to housework and yard work. The proper parent had control of the money.

Do consider counseling. It gave all of us some control over our own lives and it brought some peace into our house that had suddenly grown from 2 kids to 5 kids!

Love & Prayers,
Linda
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Old 10-13-2006, 10:49 AM
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Hi Fedup,
I know the feeling of being fedup completely,I am step mom to 2 kids,and my husbands daughter really put a strain on our relationship.Your hubby needs to stop coddling her and set some rules for her.You both need to stand united as a family.
Your step daughter needs to learn respect,she needs rules to follow and where your hubby is going to stand by those rules.
And yes counselling is an excellent idea.
I wish you all the best in the world,and hope everything works out well for you.
Take care
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Old 10-13-2006, 06:26 PM
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Please don't take this wrong but why did you marry a man with a minor child?
You and your Husband should have disscused this matter before you married and laid down the law to SD.
My DH had 2 children from past relations which he wasn't able to see, but I made it clear how I excpected them to act in MY home should they ever come to visit or live with us.
SS wanted to come because of problems with his Mom, but when he was told of the house rules he decided against it.
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Old 10-14-2006, 01:41 PM
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WOW!
Thats is really an awful situation to be in.

You definatly need to lay down the law!
Your goin to have to be firm about it.
It sounds like to me your not important enuff for him to make you happy too.

I cant imagine what your feeling.

Counseling maybe? And Im sorry but If It didnt improve or he didnt budge with anything then i think i would have to leave and let him know that Im not joking and it really a serious matter...

You have to make YOU happy too and feel appreciated and a part and to me your not right now

Hugs to you sweetie and Im sorry that your having sucha hard time
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Old 10-16-2006, 11:10 AM
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Thanks for the advice

well I took everyones advice and this is my update:
I told her dad that this was unacceptable to me ( I have 6 kids of my own), my children are required to follow the rules, do chores and do well in school and it is not fair to them for her to get away with it. We sat down as a family last night and got it all out. He told her if she was unhappy than she needed to go live with her mom ( which everytime they fight she tells him" I'm moving to my moms) I knew she was just using that as a form of blackmail, and He called her bluff on it. The bad thing is when she goes to visit her mom on weekends, she runs with a bad crowd and does drugs so we fear ths would be bad for her, but it is ruining our family with the constant drama. So what do I do now? She refuses to see a councelor.The contant argueing and drama is a bit much. By the way, I moved into the house with him and his daughter, so I feel like I'm intruding. He says I come first I'm his wife and partner for life, his responsibilty is to raise her till she can move out and she will just have to deal with it. so now what....
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Old 10-16-2006, 01:29 PM
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Wow,sounds like you and hubby are finally joining forces.His daughter needs to grow up,start taking things away from her,such as her car,phone and anything else,if she doesn't not want to follow the rules that are in your home then she is the one that should be punished.

My own daughter got in with a bad crowd,my hubby and I put her on restrictions,sounds bad but it worked.If she had to go to the library one of us was with her,she didn't like it but she didn't want to follow the rules we had.She used to slam her door all the time,until the day she came home from school started yelling at me and went downstairs to her room and attempted to slam the door,kind of hard to slam a door when there is not one there any more.Yep I took the door right off the hinges,she soon learned that slamming doors had a big consequence to it.

You are not intruding,I felt the same way with my step daughter,she would threaten to go to her mom's until finally one day I told her to go ahead,that stopped that nonsense right away.

I think as long as you and your hubby are standing together in this his daughter might realize that her behavior will not be tolerated by either of you.I wish you all the best in the world,you will need a lot of patience but one day she will thank you for setting guidelines for her.

Take care and you are in my prayers.
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Old 10-16-2006, 06:06 PM
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Way to go Fedup!
As for SD running with a bad crowd when with mom there is nothing you can do but set an example for her when she's home with you.
Good Luck.
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Old 10-21-2006, 06:27 PM
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I'm so glad you and your husband have joined forces to bring peace to your home!

The rest of the family can still go to counseling to get guidance on how to handle the situation. If she wants a say in what is going on she will need to talk to the counselor. It is her choice.

May prayers are with you!
Love & Prayers,
Linda
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~An Irish Blessing
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Old 10-25-2006, 10:12 AM
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we finally laid down the law!

My husband finally listened to me and put his foot down. He told her he was the parent and she just better get use to rules. She said she wanted to move out and he said fine and told her to pack her room up...yep, that got her and she started crying and said sh edidn't want to move. He told her there were going to be rules and he took her car, phone until she can follow them. she is doing ok so far. she spent the weekend with her mom who called and wanted us to come get her because she couldn't deal with her, I told my husband NO, let her deal with her, she spoiled her and refused to make he mind, she can fix that with her. My husband thanked me for helping him get a reign on a subject he thought he lost control of. We are making her go to consouling as a grounds for stying in the home, we too are going as well. Thanks everyone for your help I will keep you posted on the progress.
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