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Divorce Divorce can be an emptional and financial roller coaster. Talk about it with those who have been through it before.

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Old 02-22-2012, 05:33 AM
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Sister Going through divorce

My sisters husband walked out on here in early January and she finally started letting people know about 3 weeks ago. He has done the same thing to three other women after a few years. She was with him for 18 years and married for 16. He tells her he just wasn't happy the last 11 years. Several of us have had various ideas of some goings on for several years, but it really wasn't anything we could ever prove without checking into it. Even though he got his own apartment quite awhile back because he told her he had to be close to work when he was working late (she foolheartedly always believed every word out of his mouth no matter how strange it was). He is an over the road truck driver and would come home late Friday night and sometimes not till Saturday morning and have to leave again by noon on Sunday. Enough about all that because I could write a book of all the clues she wouldn't see.

So now a divorce is in the works and he has told her about SOME of the affairs he had been carrying on on the road and now has moved two women into his apartment.

I am trying to keep my sister calm and to help her get through this...any suggestions? I have never been through a divorce (DH and I have been married since 1973 and were high school sweethearts so I have no real clue of what all she is thinking and going through...any help or suggestions would be appreciated!
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Old 02-22-2012, 11:05 AM
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Make sure has a great lawyer! Watch her for depression too. What a nasty mess. Hugs to you both.
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Old 02-24-2012, 08:30 AM
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Don't try to keep her calm. no matter how blind or foolish you think she;s been, or how crappy her marriage has been... the marriage is dying and she is mourning. Everyone is entitled to mourn the loss of something that's been a part of their day to day life for 18 years no matter how awful it was. Be an ear, a shoulder and a support. Listen without judgement, and if you have nothing nice to say, just offer a hug instead. As she goes through this, she might find herself missing the marriage that "could have been". Gently remind her of all the crappyness that the marriage was full of, don't let her dwell only on the good things she misses, but be prepared that there will be some of that too... don't let that make you angry or unkind. She will need to be reminded of her worth. She will need to know that you love her no matter what. Call her everyday, just to say HI or ask if she wants to come for tea or dinner or a run to the grocery store. being alone in this is hard... even if she';s accustomed to being alone anyway. She also deserves to know that while you will listen to anything she wants to share, that you will call her on any crap or self blame. And honestly, if you just can't listen anymore that day, let her know you will tell her that gently and honestly. My husband left 6 weeks ago today, so i'm still fresh, and know what I needed and what my friends and family gave me that worked so well. I wish her peace and hope and the knowledge that she WILL be OK at the end...
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Old 02-24-2012, 09:28 AM
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My youngest dd just received her divorce papers. She truly mourned it’s end even though it was bad. I think the end of her dreams and hopes. Let her talk, even if she is repeating herself. When she would bring up something and say see it was not so bad I would ask her how often it happened and how much of the time she was really happy
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Old 02-24-2012, 11:21 AM
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Cau, my sister is already "seeing" that she was living through a lot that she never had to endure so that is helping her already and she is discovering that through her talking of things during the marriage.

Lifestar, sorry you are going through this also. I'm not really trying to make her calm as I know she needs to grieve, but she has already gotten herself into an almost just end it all mode (before anyone even knew he had left); so I'm trying to keep her "calm" at least so that mode doesn't rear its head again. We have already talked more since this happened then we probably have since she was with him. He always kept her from calling me or visiting me so she would come once a year when he was gone for an entire weekend (now she knows what he was doing during those weekends). She has already spent an entire weekend here at my place just to get away. We had a really good weekend of just watching movies in the theater, and cooking meals together. We talk everday now and if she hasn't called me I call her and just see how her day has gone. She refuses to answer her phone now when he calls unless he leaves her a message so she is doing well I believe, but on the down times I keep telling her she is going to have those times, grieve and then go on. Thanks!
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We Welcome Strays

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping"; now we just "chunky dunk"


“The value of doing something does not lie in the ease or difficulty, the probability or improbability of its achievement, but in the vision, the plan, the determination and the perseverance, the effort and the struggle which go into the project. Life is enriched by aspiration and effort, rather than by acquisition and accumulation.”

― Helen Nearing, The Good Life
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Old 02-24-2012, 03:03 PM
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Cat Lover have her check out her finacial situation and make sure she has money to keep herself going and find out if they own the house or if not. If only renting she may want to find another place to move to so she doesn't have all the memories flooding on her. Make sure that she will be stable when she no longer has his income to help her live on. Also would be helpful for her to know about any titles on any vehicles they own and insurance policies too.If they own the house make sure he can't sell it out from under her.

It may get rough going for her. Make sure she has a lawyer that is different than her husbands that will look out for her interests.

Good luck and will be thinking about you.

Vicky
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Old 02-24-2012, 06:21 PM
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Cat Lover, give her unconditional love. That is what my best ladyfriend did, made me dinners, sent me money without telling me it was coming, had her whole church pray for me, prayed for me when I was too distraught to pray for myself. She also didn't let me dwell on the best years of our marraige, but told me what a bad person he was for what he did to me. She was my witness in court as we have to have one in SC to tell that we did not go back together during the year of separation.
I also had the emotional support of my daughter who was my first attorney at no charge. She then introduced me to the attorney who used to be the Judge in Family Court. Things turned around when he became my Attorney and I had my diivorce in 10 days after I filed for it. That even shocked him and he said he never saw that happen again, asked me "How did YOU do that?" The only thing I could tell him was that my best friend/witness in court, had her whole church praying for me.
I joined a Divorce Care Group,free, at a local Baptist Church, although I'm not a Baptist, was for all in the community. There, what we said was confidential and we could say, "I wish he was dead!" There were no loud sighs that they could not believe what we were saying as they had all said it before! The group met weekly for 12 weeks, and a person could go through the 12 week program 3 times. To me, it was healing! My ex-husband was a Minister.
It's been 8 yrs, I've healed and now am so involved in my community organizations and teaching coupons at my local library that I have "A New Life".
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Old 02-25-2012, 02:50 AM
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VicRae, she has already looked at her finances, he always pocketed most of his salary anyway because he never had any taxes taken out of it. This state is a no ailmony state and she knew she wouldn't get any finaincial help from him after he left beause she virtually got none while he was there. He called her the other day and told her he has now lost his job. So...I told her no matter how many times he calls saying he has no place to live, etc.; for her to remember how he treated her, what he was doing behind her back and NOT to let him come home. He is not going to change in a manner of a few weeks. He can go live with his mother if he is that desperate. Her mother lives with her in a added on apartment so she will be assisting with the expenses. She right away had papers drawn for a quit claim for the house and property and he signed it the day he picked up his personal belongings at a bank in front of a notary. He also went to the BMV and signed the title to her car that was in both their names. He took all the other vehicles that were in just his name.

She has gotten a lawyer and this coming Monday signs the papers and sends them on to his lawyer. His lawyer already sent a very simple no contested divorce set of papers for her to sign; that is when she got a lawyer and has detailed papers going to his lawyer. Sounds like we are covering most things and thanks for the advice; we are scared to death we are not going to think of something as I have never been through a divorce myself.

blondie, her soon to be ex had studied to be a minister also and when he left he told her to tear up those papers. With all that he had been into and the way he acted I never really thought he was true to being a minister and now he has proved it. She does belong to a church and I have no ideas what kind, but they have been there for her. The problem she seems to be having there though is every time she goes and of course he is not with her she is asked where he is and how he is doing. It is all so fresh that really bothers her, so last week she didn't go because of the questions. I told her to talk to the minister and see if he will make an announcement that Gene is gone as I don't know what else to do about that. Any suggestions on that would help too!

Thanks to all because like I said we are scared to death something is going to go by that we don't think of in time.
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We Welcome Strays

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping"; now we just "chunky dunk"


“The value of doing something does not lie in the ease or difficulty, the probability or improbability of its achievement, but in the vision, the plan, the determination and the perseverance, the effort and the struggle which go into the project. Life is enriched by aspiration and effort, rather than by acquisition and accumulation.”

― Helen Nearing, The Good Life

Last edited by cat lover; 02-25-2012 at 02:53 AM.
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Old 02-25-2012, 06:06 AM
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If he's really desparte for money tell her next time he asks to come back, You could sell some of the vehicles he has taken with him, She shouldn't feel guilty on his account. One more thing have her find out whose name the utilities are in. You don't want him to have those turned off on her.

Sounds like she can make it through if she stays tough. And you are helping her by just being there for her.

Vicky
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Old 02-25-2012, 06:25 AM
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He has already called her this morning and she answered it and of course he got her majorilly upset. I think I calmed her down; at least she said I did and thanked me for getting her through this moment. He asked if she signed the papers yet and she said her lawyer would send papers to his and he went off on her. And then told her about one of his grand daughters that he has this weekend; just enough to really upset her about a 7 year old that herself is being tossed around from a man that was raising her to not wanting her in his household any longer, a mom that right now is in a situation that she can't raise her and the story goes on from there. I just told her he is grasping right now because he lost hs job and will need some assistance in many ways soon so he is trying to get control of her again in his usual way he always did by screaming at her and getting her so upset she would just crawl in the corner and let him do whatever he wanted to just to keep the piece. I also reminded her of all she has just gone through and he didn't think enough of her then so not to let his calm and "sweet talk" to do a number on her; that he is still just thinking of himself and putting his needs first. Going to be a real roller coaster ride I'm afraid. She also told me that when he came to pick up his belongings (I was there with her) and we had the sheriff's there; that she was scared of him then and that is why she wanted the sheriff's there. He did let loose once and you could just tell if the sheriff's hadn't been there the scene would have had us calling them at a not pleasant time. He carries a gun and has several loaded rifles and shotguns always in his van and with his temper and even just him I never trusted him. So she got through the call this morning and did fine and in fact she said that is why she called me because she knew I would make her see reason and calm her down. She is going to her church to help them with a fund raiser today so that should take her mind off it as long as someone doesn't start asking about him.

Actually the vehicles he took: a truck that doesn't run, a jeep he was "fixing up" (that doesn't even have an engine in it), and the back off a pickup he turned into a trailer. So the only vehicles he has that runs is a van and his motorcycle which is one of those big fancy ones. So yeah, let him sell the motorcycle! lol
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We Welcome Strays

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping"; now we just "chunky dunk"


“The value of doing something does not lie in the ease or difficulty, the probability or improbability of its achievement, but in the vision, the plan, the determination and the perseverance, the effort and the struggle which go into the project. Life is enriched by aspiration and effort, rather than by acquisition and accumulation.”

― Helen Nearing, The Good Life

Last edited by cat lover; 02-25-2012 at 06:29 AM.
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