Christmas Humor

[CraftyLdy]

THE TWELVE DAYS OF "CATS"MAS
On the first day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
a pheasant under glass beneath the tree.

On the second day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
two chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass beneath the tree.

On the third day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
three quarts milk
two chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass beneath the tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
four strutting birds
three quarts milk
two chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass beneath the tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
five litter pans
four strutting birds
three quarts milk
two chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass beneath the tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
six cans of sardines
five litter pans
four strutting birds
three quarts milk
two chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass beneath the tree.

On the seventh day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
seven pounds of catnip
six cans of sardines
five litter pans
four strutting birds
three quarts milk
two chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass beneath the tree.

On the eighth day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
eight dogs on leashes
seven pounds of catnip
six cans of sardines
five litter pans
four strutting birds
three quarts milk
two chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass beneath the tree.
On the ninth day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
nine frogs aleaping
eight dogs on leashes
seven pounds of catnip
six cans of sardines
five litter pans
four strutting birds
three quarts milk
two chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass beneath the tree.

On the tenth day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
balls of yarn all tangled
nine frogs aleaping
eight dogs on leashes
seven pounds of catnip
six cans of sardines
five litter pans
four strutting birds
three quarts milk
two chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass beneath the tree.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
eleven mice a running
balls of yarn all tangled
nine frogs aleaping
eight dogs on leashes
seven pounds of catnip
six cans of sardines
five litter pans
four strutting birds
three quarts milk
two chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass beneath the tree.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
twelve toys from Macys
eleven mice a running
balls of yarn all tangled
nine frogs aleaping
eight dogs on leashes
seven pounds of catnip
six cans of sardines
five litter pans
four strutting birds
three quarts milk
two chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass beneath the tree.

[bar_bar]

'Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,
and all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punchbowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.

A bedsock was taped to each walker, in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.

Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.
The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.

Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?"

Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wand'rer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.
Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
(But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter).

A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.

We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social- security checks had arrived.
We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.

And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
'fore long you'll be with us,
We wish you the best.