How to handle jealousy between kids and BD presents?

[ajrsmom]

I'm encountering a big problem now that my daughter's 2nd birthday is next week. We have been buying birthday presents for her and all of a sudden my son ( who is 7 1/2) is jealous of not getting anything. I've tried talking to him to explain that its his sister's birthday and not his and that he really doesnt get presents for her birthday. ( and that she wont get anything for his birthday either).

I've been asking around and some people say that I should buy him some smaller presents too to make him feel like he is part of everything.....others say to try to make him understand that he doesnt get presents for her birthday and not to give him anything but to make sure he is included in the party. ( Just a small party with our next door neighbors).


Im not sure what to do. What does everyone here think?


Thanks for the help,
Tami

[Abear]

Originally posted by ajrsmom
some people say that I should buy him some smaller presents too to make him feel like he is part of everything.....

My mother did that with my little sister...and boy did it get even uglier when she decided that my sister was old enough to understand and she tried to stop giving her presents on mine & my older sister's birthdays.

At 7, Andy is old enough to understand...I have a feeling he just flat out does not like it!

Did you remind him that Alexis did not get anything on his last birthday???

Could this possibly be an issue due to the recent move?

[barbszy]

I agree with Abear. I don't think he needs to get a present just because it's her birthday.
Your DS is a good deal older than your DD and he is old enough to get the idea. Surely he has attended birthday parties for other children where he brings them a gift and does not get one.
Actually I think the best thing you can do is start a custom if you don't already have one of having your children give each other a birthday gift. Let him choose & go with you to buy a gift for his sister (at this age, you pay for it, but he picks it--with your approval). Let him wrap it and give it. Let him make a homemade card or sign for her door.
And let him know that when HIS birthday comes around, his little sis will give him a special present.
Yes, she is getting special attention because it is her special day. His is coming and he can look forward to it. Maybe he can start writing down his wishes for HIS special day (what kind of cake, what kind of decoration, what color balloons, etc.)
It sounds like in your house you do not already have the custom of "every child gets a present on every other child's birthday" and the last thing you want to do is start that now. It just gets ugly.
In the same vein, I have always let my kids know that if one child needs new shoes, THAT child gets the shoes. The others don't get new shoes that day. I don't need everyone expecting to get stuff every time someone does. We just talk about who needed something and that was the reason for the shopping trip.

[debknechtel]

Tami

I still get the jealous bit from my 11 and 8 year olds. They showed that yesterday when it was my daughters birthday and she was opening her gifts. Now they did not ask for anything but you could tell they were wishing it was them. I find they try and take over her things before she gets a chance to play with them.

That said I still don't think they need to have a gify given to them on any others birthdays. A birthday is a special day for the person celebrating, they deserve to have all the attention for that day. I try and include my other kids in making that day special. they help wrap the presents and they each pick out something small to give to her. They both helped me bake the cake and ice it so they were excited for her to have it and taste what they had made. I think the boys were most jealous of the money she got but I just remind them that they usually get some for thier birthdays too. I think that we live in such a material world nowadays that it is important for my children to learn that just because they want does not always mean they will receive and this way they will appreciate everything they are given on their own birthdays.


Hugs Debbie

[ajrsmom]

Thank you for all of the advice. I wanted to let you all know that I took everyone's advice and sat him down once again and explained that it was Alexis' special day and that he wont be getting any presents on that day.

We are having a "party" ( just the party girl, me, DH and Andy) this weekend so I told him that he can buy her a gift like we had already planned and he can help put the candles on the cake and sing "Happy Birthday" to both of us. ( My DD and I are having a joint cake since her bd was the 24th and mine was the 26th).


Overall, I think that he's ok with it. He never hides the fact that he loves his sister and he would do anything for her.

After cake and presents, we might go to the park or somewhere to ride bikes---something that we can do as a family.


I'm really glad that I didnt start with buying him things too. I can just imagine how hard it is as they get older.


Thanks again, Ladies!! I knew that someone would set me straight.



Tami

[VicRae]

Hi!
Just thought I'd add a couple suggestions here. Have you thought about bags with party things for the kids to take home with them after the party? That would be something he could have and maybe make some homemade play dough to put into it for some fun later after the party for the older kids. It doesn't always hve to be expensive items in the gift bags.
Some suggestions would be a balloon, cookies, pencils or a small box of colors and a couple of coloring sheets. I would depend on the ages of the kids at your party. You could even use brown paper bags that your son could help decorate.
Just an idea that might help him feel like he's helping too.
Vicky

[efeston]

I have 2 sisters and a brother. All of their birthdays are in December, whereas mine's in May. My parents always threw a combined birthday bash for them, and I always got a little gift to "make me feel better".

Truth is, however, that I couldn't have cared less! I just thought it was fun to have a party & eat cake/ice cream.

My mom/dad never got me anything big - usually it was just a new book or a picture/poster for my room. I appreciated the gifts, but like I said, it was no big deal.

Plus, my sibs never got anything in May when it was my birthday?!

I'm a mom of 5 now, and have been lucky enough that their birthdays are all spread out & (so far) there haven't been any issues with jealousy.

But I gotta say that I believe that a 7 (almost 8) year old is plenty experienced enough to understand not getting a gift when his baby sister is having a birthday! Him picking out something special just between him & his sister should help make this a special day for him as well.

Ok - there's my 2 cents worth!

[ajrsmom]

Thanks for your opinion, that exactly how it has worked out.

[lovemarykay]

I have four boys. Ages 11,6,4, and 3. I buy each of the other boys a present to open so they do not feel left out. This especially makes it easier for the little ones. The older boys understand but you can see the dissapointment in thier eyes. So I started this I think on my second sons second birthday. Goody bags are also a good thing. All the kids at the party have something. It is always easy to be the birthday girl or boy, not so easy to be the one looking on.

[Bilby]

I'm lucky it's never been a problem in my house the boys usually shared their stuff anyway