A Dog's Diary- What if your dog were a better writer than W. Bruce?
Not too hard to imagine, is it? Maybe while you're out
of the house, your pet turns on the PC and keeps a
journal of the day's events. If so, this is what it might
look like...
A Pubescent Plague- The world is truly becoming a frightful place to live. Almost daily we are exposed to a fresh new array of life-threatening dangers ... like for instance, that hideous rumor of a Scott Baio career comeback attempt.
Accident Report- The following accident reports were filed in conjunction with an automobile collision in which my two daughters somehow managed to run into each other in their own driveway. Both of my vehicles sustained damage.
Apparatus Advantage- It's a common theme amongst
generations that one always
claims that they had it the
toughest. Being on the cusp of
the baby boomer generation and
never having had to fight in
foreign wars or living through a
great depression, I have to stretch to tell my children
how difficult I've had it.
Baby Blessings- There are obvious joys of being a parent to a young bundle of joy, but there are also things you likely never considered:
Birth of a Hamster- I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
Business Memos to my Child- Leafing through the sacks of three-part forms, I began
to wonder what it would be like if my family used this
cryptic method of communication to talk to each other,
instead of the usual shouts and threats. A typical
exchange with my thirteen-year-old son might go like this...
Daughters Driving- My daughters are driving.
Let me explain what this means.
It means that two teenage girls
whose primary method of
observation is "distraction" are out
there aiming tons of metal at
everything moving. When you see
one of my daughters approaching,
do not panic. You should (a) pull your vehicle over to
the side of the road, and (b) lie face-down in a ditch.
Father's Day 101- As my first Father's Day approaches, I've been reflecting long and hard
upon all that I've learned in these seven short months that I've been in that
elite society of people who're known as "Dad".
Importance of the Father/Child Bond- How do fathers build this bond? What barriers stand in the way? And, what are some practical tools to help fathers strengthen their children intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, and physically?
it's Not My Fault- I now have three teenagers under my roof. This is not my fault. It can't be my fault, because with teenagers, nothing is anybody's fault. Stuff just happens for no reason, like floods, and with no explanation, like Wayne Newton.
Laundry Day- As usual, I'm the one who was blamed for the recent family crisis, even though, as readers of this column well know, I am a sensitive and humble husband who is right pretty much 100 percent of the time.
Letter to the Principal- Dear Ms. Cameron:
Thank you for your letter. Yes, we are pleased to report,
your father's old high school is still standing and our library
was able to locate yearbooks dating "all the way back" to
his graduation. In fact, a few teachers even remember your
father, which I will get to in a moment.
My Mother's Garden- I despised everything she grew, though when I discovered what happened when I loaded a cherry tomato in my slingshot and plastered my friend Drake in the center of his T-shirt, I experienced a joy so pure I almost passed out. At dinner, when served grilled zucchini on a bun with a thick slice of zucchini (hamburger with tomato), I twisted my face into an expression of agony, clutched my stomach, and fell to the floor.
My Parent's Conversation- As a general rule, I prefer to talk to my parents singly, alone, and briefly. However, since they are, after all, married, I sometimes can't avoid a conversation with the two of them together.
Lest this seem harsh, I offer the following unedited, uncut transcript of a recent discussion I had with them.
Paternal Proclamations- It has come to my attention that all of you are, on occasion, leaving a good quarter of an inch of milk in the bottoms of your glasses. Since milk is an expensive commodity, and we do not yet own a cow, you are forevermore required to finish your milk at every meal. Any public comments before this goes on the refrigerator?
Sign on the Door- From a sign I recently posted to my teenage daughter's bedroom door:
Welcome to your room! Please take a few minutes to familiarize yourself with these instructions, which, like all of your father's rules, are designed to make your stay in his house comfortable and less inconvenient to his life.
Skiing- The beginner skier is taught the "snowplow." It's an
absurdly un-athletic position: your toes pointed in,
knees splayed, arms waving madly in circles (I added
this last bit on my own). As you creep forward in your
snowplow, your children dart around you at insane
speeds, singing out "Hi, Dad!" while you try to stab
them with your ski poles.
Snowed In- My children may have given up believing in the Easter Bunny, and they probably have their doubts about Santa Claus, but they still go to bed every night hoping that when they wake up the next morning, they'll find so much snow has fallen from the sky that school has been canceled. Often I'm called in to offer my opinion on this prospect, the only subject about which my teenagers believe I may still offer valid counsel.
The Adventures of Montgomery Moose- Though I am positive the wealth and fame promised me by a recent fortune cookie is no farther away than the next letter from Ed McMahon, I sometimes take on odd jobs to help keep my family income from sliding into a recession. So when a neighbor called to tell me she would pay me to attend her daughter's birthday party, I was enthusiastic: This sounded like my kind of work! Then I grew suspicious.
The Bathtub- This last Wednesday night I wanted to take a nice hot bath and read a
book that was loaned to me called: "Reaching the Summit," by Pat
Summitt. (The University of Tennessee's Head Women's Basketball Coach) I
was tired and a little stressed, and all I wanted to do was lie in the
hottest water I could stand and read away. The problem with this little
"getaway" for me was the fact that "Aqua Boy" lives in our house in the
form of Caleb.
The Proverbial Daughter- My teenage daughter often asks for me to help her with her homework. In this case, "to help" means "to do," as in, "Could you help me finish this report on the causes of the Great Depression?" (All she has written, at this point, are the words "Causes of the Great Depression" across the top of her paper, so it needs a lot of "finishing.")
Today's Family Man: Holding Back the Years- Recently, I slowed down enough to grapple with the key question: What's the big rush to have my kids achieve? Aren't my wife and I the same people who start to cry about how fast they're growing up whenever we see Benjamin singing in a school play or Jacob painting a surprisingly discernible human figure? So why don't we appreciate these moments, let them brew in our minds, enjoying the aroma of success rather than propelling our kids to hurry up the next ladder rung?
When is Traveling Better With the Kids?- Once you become a parent, the whole concept of vacation changes. Really, can you call it a "break" when you're lugging overstocked diaper bags, managing meltdowns in previously quiet museums, and fielding complaints about how boring nature is?
Your Child's Hero- Mr. Johnson's daughter, Sabrina, had talked about the assignment earlier in the week. Her job was to pick one of her heroes and tell why this particular person was a hero to her. Her essay was entitled: "My Father, My Hero".
Mother's Day!
Mother's Day is right around the corner. Celebrate mom this year with crafts, recipes and plenty of other ideas. Here are a few examples to get you started...
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Family Matters Radio
Hosted by Caroline & Jacquie. Choose a segment below to begin listening!
Secrets of Happily Married Women Do you feel like you are constantly on overdrive? Juggling career and family, attending to everyone's needs but your own, and all the while struggling to maintain a sense of balance and harmony in your marriage? You can actually start getting more out of your relationship by doing less and we'll tell you how with Dr. Scott Haltzman, author of Secrets of Happily Married Women. Hear part 2
When Mars and Venus Collide It's a common scenario: a husband returns home from work stressed out and eager to kick back on the couch and watch TV. A wife returns home from work stressed out and wants to talk about it with her husband. What happens? Neither is on the same page, anger and resentment set in. We're going to find out how stress is impacting marriages today and what you can do about it when we talk with bestselling author John Gray Hear part 2
From a sign I recently posted to my teenage daughter's bedroom door:
Welcome to your room! Please take a few minutes to familiarize yourself with these instructions, which, like all of your father's rules, are designed to make your stay in his house comfortable and less inconvenient to his life.
Once you become a parent, the whole concept of vacation changes. Really, can you call it a "break" when you're lugging overstocked diaper bags, managing meltdowns in previously quiet museums, and fielding complaints about how boring nature is?
Mr. Johnson's daughter, Sabrina, had talked about the assignment earlier in the week. Her job was to pick one of her heroes and tell why this particular person was a hero to her. Her essay was entitled: "My Father, My Hero".
Missed the last couple of newsletters? Haven't visited for a while? This section highlights articles and crafts that have recently been added to FC...
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