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Although many parents don't talk about it, the final act of separation cuts like a knife, particularly when previously living on a full time basis with the kids. You will not be with your children on a full time basis as accustomed.
When you were growing up, did you ever wish that your parents were happy? Did you feel safe when they were happy and peaceful?
My mother was rarely a happy person. Most of the time she was anxious, angry and felt overburdened, even though I was her only child. She rarely laughed and was often upset with me, or my father. Clearly, she made both of us responsible for her happiness and we consistently fell short.
Many advertisers would have us believe that the best way to express love is with a large box of chocolates, a pair of expensive diamond earrings, or a beautiful bouquet of flowers. Others would recommend a candlelight dinner and a quiet evening together. At the very least, some suggest the perfect card with eloquent words written by a greeting card professional to express your loving feelings.
But what if you were to look beyond flowers, chocolates, and candlelight dinners this Valentine's Day?
What happens when you interact with your former spouse? Are you angry, fearful, upset and defensive? Or are you centered, focused and neutral? Are you proactive or reactive? Do you have your business hat on, or are you the scream machine?
Grief work does not progress in a neat orderly way. It can and usually will come up during certain times such as holidays, birthdays and other significant events following a divorce or significant break.
Loving your kids should come naturally right? Well, for some people, love flows out seemingly on automatic and with no stops. With others, who may not have gotten "enough" when they were little, it's not so easy to turn on that faucet flow of love and let it gush out.
Most of us want to fall in love, be in love and stay in love and magically live happily ever after... as the story goes. We merge placing our soul in the hands of the other expecting that the relationship will provide all our happiness. We even expect our partner to know exactly what, when and how to provide this.
When their parents date, it creates anxiety in children and teens. The changes and losses they have gone through often cause them to feel jealous and insecure. But it is important to understand that they are struggling with two main feelings.
Relationships can be the most difficult and joyful part of your life. You cannot avoid them unless you never get out of bed in the morning and sometimes not even then. You will find yourself interfacing with others almost immediately each day.
The first argument is the most crucial argument you will ever have in your relationship, setting the stage for all arguments to follow. Future conflicts will often look and sound like they're different, but most times are simply variations of the first, unresolved argument.
Once you become a parent, the whole concept of vacation changes. Really, can you call it a "break" when you're lugging overstocked diaper bags, managing meltdowns in previously quiet museums, and fielding complaints about how boring nature is?
My wife and I discipline our children in very different ways. Oftentimes it leads to us arguing in front of them. What can we do to prevent this? |
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