Business Memos to my Child

February 12th, 2013 posted by W. Bruce Cameron

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tv kid

Though I have instructed them that it is not funny, my children like to joke that when I first went to work in the auto industry, “General Motors was still a Colonel.” I’ve long since departed that corporation’s employ over a dispute involving my need to make enough money to buy food, but the other day I discovered I was still storing several boxes of company memos from that era, my favorite being one that ended, “If you did not receive this memo, please notify the sender via inter-office reply.” Leafing through the sacks of three-part forms, I began to wonder what it would be like if my family used this cryptic method of communication to talk to each other, instead of the usual shouts and threats. A typical exchange with my thirteen-year-old son might go like this:

To:

Son

From:

Dad

Subject:

Driveway Upon recent inspection, it was determined that the driveway is completely obstructed with a material identified as snow. You are directed to remove said snow from said driveway immediately. Please acknowledge via inter-office reply.

To:

Dad

From:

Son

Subject:

Driveway Reply You talking to me?

To:

Son

From:

Your rapidly losing patience father

Subject:

You bet Yes, I am addressing you. Please turn off the television and immediately proceed to shovel snow until the driveway is cleared.

To:

Dad

From:

Wrongly accused son

Subject:

Correction It is not television it is PlayStation.

To:

Son

From:

Judge, jury, and executioner

Subject:

Quit Stalling Whatever. Turn it off and get to work.

To:

Dad

From:

Son

Subject:

Totally unfair and stupid It is unfair for me to have to shovel the snow because yesterday I had to take the trash out to the curb which isn’t my job.

To:

Son

From:

The man who pays the rent around here

Subject:

Quit messing around and get to work Son, yesterday it was I who put the trash out, not you.

To:

Dad

From:

Son

Subject:

So what? Yeah, but you TOLD me to put the trash out, and that’s not my job.

To:

Department of Irrelevance

From:

Dad

Subject:

Stand up, put on your boots, and walk out that door I want you out there shoveling NOW.

To:

The big jerk

From:

I always get picked on

Subject:

Makes no sense It makes no sense to shovel the snow. If we leave it alone, it’s just going to melt anyway.

To:

Mr. Spring Is Just Around the Corner

From:

I’m looking at a calendar and no it isn’t

Subject:

This is not open to debate I need to go to the store. You must shovel the snow in order for me to do so.

To:

Mr. Scared of a Little Snow

From:

Son

Subject:

Yeah, to buy BEER You have four-wheel drive. I can’t believe you’re being such a wimp, Dad.

To:

Do you want a spanking?

From:

I also need potato chips

Subject:

It doesn’t matter why I am going to the store Son, stop stalling and get out there or you will be sorry.

To:

Why don’t you pick on someone your own size if you can find someone that FAT

From:

I can’t wait until I grow up and move out

Subject:

Besides Besides, the snow was put there by God. Who am I to defy the will of God?

To:

The boy who will be shoveling snow in one minute or you’ll wind up grounded with no television

From:

The department of even more creative punishments if you’re not careful

Subject:

Appeal denied In the absence of a written memo from God, I am the person who decides whether the snow stays in the driveway. Who are you to defy the will of me?

To:

Dad

From:

Son

Subject:

Okay, I’ll do it Okay, I’ll do it. But first I need to eat lunch.

To:

The one who is going to be even more hungry if he’s not careful

From:

The man who BUYS lunch

Subject:

You’re right You’re right; by the time you get to it, the snow WILL be melted. (Utilizing this method of communication, is it any wonder that General Motors built the Chevrolet Vega?)

W. Bruce Cameron (20 Posts)


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Cindy Rowe
Cindy Rowe (7 Posts)

Cindy Rowe is the owner/editor of Crazylou Creations blog. On the blog, you will find a little bit of crazy, and a whole lot of fun! As a FT working mother, she still finds time to create crafts, play around in the kitchen, plan parties and exercise. You'll find all of this and more on her blog!


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