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Old 05-27-2009, 02:45 AM
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Laughter~The Best Medicine

Notes of Humour Series

I occassionally get some really humourous emails from friends and family and thought "Why not share them with my Family Corner friends"? So here are some that I have collected. Please feel free to share yours too but please do keep it clean.

Anna
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Old 05-27-2009, 02:47 AM
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Bill Gates On The Auto Industry

Notes of Humour

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
Computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
Computer industry with the auto industry and stated,



'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we
Would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon..'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
Stating:



If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving
Cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):



1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash....... .

Twice a day.


2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
Buy a new car.



3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
Would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut
Off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.



4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
Your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
Reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
Five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
Percent of the roads.



6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all
Be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation'
Warning light.



I love the next one!!!



7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.



8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
And refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
Turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn
How to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in
The same manner as the old car.



10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off



PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer
Service in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language
How to fix your car yourself!!!!



Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate -
Their computer!







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Old 05-27-2009, 02:50 AM
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Abbott & Costello~On Computers

Notes of Humour

Abbott & Costello

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............



Anna
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Old 05-27-2009, 08:09 AM
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bump
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Old 05-29-2009, 05:44 AM
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subbing...
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Old 06-05-2009, 07:26 AM
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CUSTOMER SERVICE
received this in a email...

This is a true story from the "WordPerfect Helpline" which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say, theHelp Desk employee was fired; however, he is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause." This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations).
"Rich Hall computer assistance; May I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's a blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord
goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the
wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not, because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's
dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from
the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power...a power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
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Old 06-05-2009, 07:40 AM
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An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldomsaw many people.One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything."Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got," said the man.The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets,but the old man wasn't interested.Then the man spotted a mirror and said, "What's that?"Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, "My God how'd you get a picture of my Pappy?"The old man was so happy, he traded his wife's best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious.One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, "so this is the hussy he's been foolin'around with!"
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Old 06-05-2009, 02:01 PM
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good ones bar_bar...
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