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Go Back Forums > Parenting > Ages & Stages > Teenagers

Teenagers So many parents of teens have said "just you wait!" But why? What are your thoughts on teens today?

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Old 08-23-2002, 06:23 PM
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Verbally abusive daughter


I was wondering if any of you parents out there deal with some of the garbage from their daughters as I do. I have a 16 yr old daughter who at times is extremely nasty to me...She yells, screams, rants, ect when she feels as if I am asking too many questions or I don't let her get things to go her way. SHe does have some anger problems due to a useless father who doesn't even bother with her and hasn't really been in her life much for the past 5 years. I am recently divorced and her father hasn't lived with us for the past 5 yrs. She is always the one initiating contact with him and he doesn't do much at all to stay in contact with her, and the situation seems to have gotten worse since he remarried this spring. He doesn't even live all that far. SHe got angry with him and told him how hurt she was ect but it didn't seem to faze him much. I am trying to be understanding of that but sometimes her mood swings take a toll on me and I can't deal with it at times. I try to be understanding and give her some slack because I know she is going through hell because if his rejection, but she crosses the line and totally disrespects me at times.. She demands things and when I say no she doesn't quit harassing me about the subject. She keeps on forever at times. SOmetimes there is just no talking to her when she gets on her nasty streak. She is VERY strong minded and strong willed where I am more easy going and definitely not the agressive type. I feel so helpless and ineffective as a parent, like I have no control. I don't have anyone to back me up and try to get a handle on her. Then there are times she is really civil to me and we get along great. I would try counseling but she refuses to go. She went a few yrs back and had her fill and wont try it again. I am at my witts end..... DOes anyone have any suggestions for me.
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Old 08-24-2002, 09:33 AM
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Hi Calliecat!

I'm so sorry for what you must be going through. I don't have a teenage daughter so I haven't experienced that. I have experienced being divorced and a single parent, trying to make up for the father, etc. The one thing I highly recommend is a book by Stormie Omartian called The Power of a Praying Parent. This can definitely be found in Christian bookstores and probably other bookstores as well. It is a very helpful book, it really works.

I wish you the best!

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Old 09-02-2002, 10:59 AM
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I agree that you should pray! Your daughter probably would not respond so dramatically unless she didn't want you to know what she's up to; she's probably violating your standards of behavior and doesn't want you to know. If I were you, I would do whatever it takes to find out just what she is feeling so guilty about, then find a "tough love" group to help you deal with it. I know this sounds harsh, but so many things can happen to teens when they make bad choices, and you need to keep her safe!
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Old 09-02-2002, 11:20 AM
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Hi CallieCat,
sorry you're having that problem with your daughter--don't feel bad about though, it happens to most of us, whether it's a daughter or a son, to different degrees to be sure.
My pain in the butt is now 21, married with a beautiful son of 1yr.
The last two years she was at home she was so hateful to everyone, especially me. In fact, I found letters that she wrote wishing that I would die on my way to work, her cousin had also wrote the same type of letter about her mom and I had that letter too. She has never told me what the problem may have been-but I do believe that she was into the wrong crowd (for a short time), there may have been drugs involved (also for a short time, probably a one time thing). She wanted to move out and move in with her boyfriend when she started her senior year of high school but I wouldn't let her. I told her she had to graduate with good grades before she could move out, no matter who she moved in with. I certainly didn't want her moving in with her boyfriend but there was no way I was going to be able to stop that. My daughter seemed to have adopted her boyfriends family and she acted like we weren't her family, just people she lived with. The day she graduated she moved out, actually she had moved her stuff out three days before her graduation day-I wouldn't let her leave until she had her diploma.
That may not sound like much to some people, but she knew I meant business and I would go after her if she tried to move out before I said she could. Even though she acted like she hated me, she would mind pretty much, she wasn't always home exactly when I told her to be, but I knew where she was and could get hold of her if I needed to.
She has since gotten pregnant, carried to full term and lost her first son when he was two days old. She and her boyfriend (the father of her son and the boy she left home for) got married a year later, 2000 and in 2001 she delivered another son with no problems.
She and I get along, although it's hard for me to pretend that nothing ever happened and that I wasn't deeply hurt--but then she knows that she hurt me bad and we're trying to have a relationship.
My suggestion to you is that you make sure she understands what your ground rules are (she should know by age 16) and you need to decide which battles are really worth fighting! All her arguing and such is usually just testing you to see what you're going to allow. If you have to just leave the room if she's screaming at you and you find yourself screaming back-that does no good. My girls will tell you that I love to lecture, but at some point you have to shut up. My oldest daughter once told me, after she was out of the house, married and pregnant with her first daughter-that she really appreciated the lectures I gave her-even though she wished I wouldn't at the time, some of it did get through. Of course, she was never the problem her sister was. My problem child was also my middle child, sometimes that's a reason they act out so much, they feel they have no real identity.
Take a deep breath, pray alot as suggested in the previous replies and leave the room when it gets to loud, when she doesn't have someone to abuse she'll start thinking, although it does take awhile and there may not be a change until after she's left home for awhile.
Take care
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Old 09-02-2002, 12:31 PM
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God's answer to mouthy teens

Its called BOARDING SCHOOL: The English have been doing this for centuries.
An all girl's boarding school would be ideal, due to the extreme level of your daughter's immaturity.
Yes, Americans are accepted. Do an internet search for an affordable establishment.
When you tell the girl she'll be going to school in a foreign country, be sure to point out how great it will look on her job resume.
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Old 09-02-2002, 12:57 PM
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Sorry but Boarding School doesn't solve anything really, just gets the problem out of the house for awhile. As hard as it is to work through things, it has to be done in person. If I was going to ship my kids off to boarding school-unless that was the only way for them to go to school during the week(as it is in some countries), I should never have had any kids.
I love my kids and would never have shipped any of the off.
Some kids may benefit from some sort of boot camp if they're really unmanagable and are getting in trouble with the law.
But in the long run, if you ship the kids off when they're more than a handful you're just causing more problems for you and them. At least that is my opinion and everyone is entitled to an opinion, even if it's the wrong one
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Old 09-02-2002, 01:06 PM
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Hey there Calliecat, this is my first time on here, but i have the same problem as you, a abusive daughter. She is depressed all the time. She has been on pill's and they did'nt seem to work, so she went off of them .She sleep's all day, does'nt work, washe's the dishe's for me, and that's all. She ios 22 years old does'nt have a driver's licesne and think's she can just run all over us.She yell's and holler's at us ,even in public. We dont knowq what else to do with her. She does'nt date or even have any friend's, and does'nt want any i guess. We get into fight's all the time. I just don't know what to do any more.
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Old 09-02-2002, 01:37 PM
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Verbally Abusive Daughters

I've been there. Similar situation to yours with an absent father who lived close by. It all worked out in the end. It was a very rough couple of years. I have often wondered if the children who we are the closest to give us the most trouble while they are trying to establish their own identity. It's hard not to take what they say (and write) very personally. I still find things my daughter wrote that really hurt. She eventually grew up. Like someone else commented, make sure you set your rules up. Discuss them and then expect them to be followed. Those were really miserable years. I don't think my daughter started to be "human" again until she was 20+, so good luck. It's a rocky ride. You can ask for help by starting with a school counselor and seeing what she suggests. I know there are a lot of teen support groups in my area, also some at the school I teach in. Just one more comment: she treats you badly because she knows you will still love her and be by her side. She feels safe enough with your love to act out. Know what I mean?
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Old 09-02-2002, 03:14 PM
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I'm sorry to hear what you are going through...but I have to tell you that you are part of the problem. This didn't start yesterday.
You have lost control and now she's rebellious because of her father's uncaring demeanor. You must sit down with her when she is calm and do not dictate, but perhaps writing a code of conduct together and she has to sign and abide by it... That's one way....

Another way, is remove all privileges, and she has to earn them back. She has to do her own laundry and housework, that is, make her bed etc.

Another way is an ultimatum...either do it or get out...

Or call the cops and have her halled away .....then she'll be forced into counseling.... can seek go! then get her in with you.
The choice is there is no choice!

Call her father and tell him what's going on and tell him he must get involved. This is his daughter too. Haul his sorry butt into court and have him pay support for her and counseling...they'll make him do it.

What I am saying here is that you are the adult and the parent.
You have to start acting like an adult and a parent...and step one is going to counseling....for you

Harsh? maybe...but someone has to say it, hon. Beating around the bush doesn't do it...... *hugs*
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Old 09-02-2002, 03:32 PM
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Somewhere along the line I think you and your daughter have lost site of who is the adult and who is the child.
I raised 6 teenagers and still helping to raise two more little girls. I realize that there are more difficult children than others. I have worked with ESE Children before and some of those children are the way they are because of lack of parental discipline and quidance. I am not saying this is the case with you and your daughter, but maybe you should think about some counciling. I am not always in favor of that either, but you are going to have to put your foot down. If she threatenes to move out and if she is 16 in most states they are allowed to do so by law. let her move. Sometimes the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. It is called tough love. My daughter moved out when she was 16, with her boyfriend and was with child. The child is 5 now and she has struggled very hard and she had another child today. A beautiful boy. she has grown up a lot and she and I are closer today than we were when she lived in my home. If she wants to do something and you do not approve. It is your home and you have the last word. You have to let her know that you have had enough and today is the day that I draw the line. I do not know the laws in your state but where I live parents have rights to and believe you me the law will let the children know and can and will put their butts on probation in a heart beat. From the time a child is very young they must have structure and guidance and discipline and of course love. Sometimes it is tough love and tough love hurts. I know I had a son that nearly put me in my grave until I said that this is it. It is me or him and I made him leave. I thought I would die but that was over 20 years ago and I am still here and still helping raise children. Please before it is to late for you and your daughter. Put a stop to her abusive. As long as you let her do it you are and enabler. That means you enable her to do so. Until you stop it she will continue to do so for God only knows how many years to come. Draw the line and stand up for your self. Get some help somehwere. She will thank you later on in her life is she is any kind of person at all.
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