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karriel 01-06-2010 10:44 AM

need some answers
As some of you may have already read about part of my situation I will not go into it.
I have had so many different people tell me what i can and cannot do with my children and so many of them are contradictory.
I have literally tried everything i can think of to stop my childrens bad behavior.
But right before xmas my oldest daughter went to far.
Let me tell you about that night, and maybe someone will know who i could ask for help with.

for approxiamately 3 weeks before this incident my oldest DD had stolen the memory card out of my cell phone. our cell phones are shut off but i use it for an alarm clock. i had pictures on their of things that cannot be replaced, ie my stepdad before he dies, my nephew right after he was born..ect. For 3 weeks i had been telling my DD to find my memory card or tell me what she had done with it. she would pretend to look for it, and most of the time she would just completely ignore me. on said night, she had gotten a gift card for xmas from her father. i took the kids to go spend it. on the way home, i told her " i let you spend your money now you need to find my memory card" she said okay. i went to go put something in her
& her sisters room and she was just sitting there watching tv. i told her to get up and find my card. awhile later i went in there and she was still just watching tv. i took the phone out of her room, and asked my hubby how to take the tv out without having to actually remove it. he said to try to lock it or unplug it. so i tried to lock it and couldnt figure it out so i unhooked all the cords. i took her new bootsshe had bought and shirt, and plainly told her when she gave me my card she could have the boots back. well that started world war 3. for 45 minutes she followed me form room to room cussing at me, yelling at me to let her call her dad. at one point she told me she hoped i got arrested for stealing her things and got raped in prison. i told her that was inappropriate and she needed to apologize. she told me no she wasnt sorry. i told her to apologize or get out of my house and sit on the porch. she continued to cuss at me, and i would say thank you, or tell me i was worthless, ect. after being called a b$%h for 45 minutes, i finally told her if she called me a b%^&h one more time i would burn her things. she proceeded to tell me i wasnt going to touch her mother fing stuff, and i didnt buy anything and am lazy and blah blah. she continued calling me a b^^&h. i repeatedly told her do not call me that one more time. finally i said call me that one more time. and she did so i took her cd that i had in my room, and broke it. she proceeded to grab one of my DH movie dvds. he was in the bathroom and i told him she was breaking her movies. i told her not to break it cuz it wasnt mine. my sons grabbed her and was holding her. iam not sure if they thought it was one of their video games or something. i told them to leave her alone and stay out of it, they were just going to get hurt. and that point she satarting screaming and cussing at me some more. so i told her if you call me a b$%^h one more time i m going to break another one. she continued and i broke the next one. after the 3rd disk. i grabbed her boombox, and started to walk out the door to throw it outside. she rared back and kicked me in the stomach. now up til that point i was calm. i was not yelling . i put the boombox down on the couch and grabbed her by her arms as she was kicking me. i out her down on the ground, and said very clearly" you will not kick me ever again" i let her go and she was still kicking and scratching me. i still have marks from her nails. i tried to grab her by the arms to put her outside and she started flailing around and kicking. and got into what we call her defensive manuver, even if we are playing around wrestling she does the same thing. except this time she was kicking me. so i finally grabbed her leg, as she was kicking me and put her out of our house. i shut the door, and started picking up the mess. and went back to making dinner. my son said she wasnt out side anymore, so i went down to our storage trailer to see if she was there, and looked in my car. i asked my husnband to call his brother whoi lives 100 yards from us to see if she was there before i went searching for her, and got my clothes on. he said she was down there.
so i went down to get her. i knocked on the door, and my soon to be sister in law said yeah. i opened the door and asked if my daughter was in there. she said obviously. i said ______ get your butt out her now. my DD proceeded to yell F u to me so loud my sons heard it. at that point my soon to be sister in law hands the phone to my DD and says here call the police. i said ________ you are getting yourself into something you know nothing about. i turned to leave as my daughter was screaming F U to me. went and called the police....
well they came out and took everyones statements... and arrested me. yep he said i went beyond the line when i pulled her out of my house. i asked what i was supposed to do, sit there and let her kick me. he told my husband with as many calls out to our house something had to be going on out here. (we have had 4 calls) and that i was antagonizing her by taking her stuff and breaking it.
so i get bailed out, and in the meantime the police tell my DH that it is up to him wether DD stays down at sis in laws house, and he said yes just leave her there. when his brother gets home, he asks what to do with DD. my DH said _______ wanted to get involved so she can deal with __________ until i get home and decide what to do with her. well i guess they didnt want her in their house either becuase i got home at 5 in the am and left at 9 to go talk to my advocates and the previous detectives about what my options were, and they told her to call and friend or her dad becuase she couldnt stay there.
so she called her dad and got a ticket and left.. without telling me.. out of state. at this point i really dont care. i tried my best but i am not going to put the outher kids in jeopardy becuase she wants to be a brat.

so now my question is, a week prior to this happening i tried contacting and left a message with the previous detective that had been to my house, and i sent an email to my advocate. asking what my options were. and i even told them that i can't call the police anytime my daughter is cussing and screaming at me. after this when i talked to the advocate she said she has no idea where you can find parent rights here in arkansas. to maybe check the Dept. of human services. and since i have been told i can do things and then told i cant do that same thing. i wanted to know what my rights as a parent are.
well the dept of human services showed up at my house, the sherriff was here making DD runanawy report. well it turns out she had went to the councilor that i had told they werent to see anymore, and told her things like we have no food. so i had to show them my 2 frigerators, and my food closet, so they could take pictures... becuase yes i have food. so i asked them what where my rights, and they told me they didnt know all they could tell me was what ,maltreatment was....
okay if there are laws.. someone has to have them right??? there has to be something that says what you are allowed to do or not do.
I can't afford an attorney, we have 6 of us living here. but im not really sure an attorney could tell me either.
i would appreciate any advice, or even prayers you guys could give.
thanks for listening

karriel 01-14-2010 07:52 AM


cat lover 01-14-2010 08:28 AM

I at one time was a Safe Place volunteer that picked up runaways. Do you have any place like Safe Places in your area? I know your DD hasn't gone there, but there should be people there that can direct you in a direction. If you do not have Safe Places, see if there is someone at the police station that can refer you to a social worker to start getting you in the correct places to talk to people. There has got to be someone somewhere that you can talk to to find out how you can deal with your DD; she obviously needs help. With the way her actions have been she is not going to listen to you and willingly go somewhere with you for help. So it is going to be up to you to find where to start. If nothing else get the phone book out and start calling and someone will be able to lead you to someone that can help one way or another.
I won't give much advice, but if she starts this way again, just quietly leave the house and call the police to come and get her out of your house for both of yours protection( they will have the records of before to see what she is doing), if she harms you again in any way go to the hospital! At least then someone will start the ball rollling because YOU are being abused! This is a rough situation because you have been made to be the bad guy and was arrested and she is still there because she is the child. She desperately needs help and I would say at this point she is not going to willingly do anything you may try to do to help her, so it is going to take some clever motions from you by getting someone or agency outside to her not her to them. I hope some of this helps you get to where you can get help with the whole situation.
What does your DH do while she is behaving this way? He should be stepping forward to her too and he should be involved in getting her help and protecting you both! Good luck and please let us know if and when you find some help.

karriel 01-14-2010 09:03 AM

cat lover thank you for replying. first let me say i love that chunk dunk comment. too cute!
we don't have any place like that i know of around here.. but we are a pretty small place. I have however spoke to the dshs, the unit of cops for the child safety, i have an advocate through them talked to her, police detectives, councilors, and school councilors.
my daughter has an incredible knack for making people believe her. for instance she was sitting her one day cussing about my mother, she had told my sister something personal, and my sister of course had told my mom, who told me. i asked brit why she had said what she did since it wasnt entirely true. she started screaming how my mom was a liar and she was going to call her up and tell her so. and that she had never stole anything from my mom.. (another instance). i told her no she wasnt going to do that. well later that night i was having her brother run for being disrespectful and not quitting it. she decided to sit on the porch and scream and cuss at me. I finally called my mom up so someone else could hear her talking to me like that. she was screaming at me one minute and then minute i handed the phone to my mom she completely changed" started crying and saying oh grandma, mom is being mean to me" but when my mom questioned her she went right back into rage mode.
For now she is at her dads in another state. i rally think that is the best for everybody. i fought to keep her here before becuase i wanted to do the best for her. but i cannot put the outher kids in jeopardy. the only problem is she has shown the other kids that all you have to do is go tell the councilor at school your being mistreated and you can get your way.
it's sad when you have to write down every punishment that your kids get and why and have them sign it. and keep grocery reciepts ect.
I know she has already started acting up at her dads house, this was a part of her that they had not seen before becuase when she would go there for the summer she didnt do that. i only hope that she will eventually grow up and realize that her bad behavior is going to get her into serious trouble , before it actually does.

cat lover 01-14-2010 09:19 AM

Sounds like you made a good first step in talking to those you have and another in sending her to her dad's for awhile. Maybe he will have some luck or maybe have some more resources to deal with her. And as sad and as much as I hate to say this; sometimes just being a dad makes the kids (girls and boys) react a little less violent. Hope it turns out well and please keep us up to date.
If you ever have the need or want to just check it out search "Safe Place" it is a national thing for runaways. We live in a rural area and don't have one right here but the bigger towns 30 miles away have some so I bet there are some in surrounding places around you too. Never hurts to "have a plan" in place for the needy times!

mom 01-14-2010 09:31 AM


I am so sorry to hear of your enormous difficulties with your daughter. Some attorney's will give a free consultation, have you tried that? I truly hope everything works out for you regarding this matter.

karriel 01-18-2010 05:59 AM

thanks dawn. i am looking into talking to one for a free consult. as my daughter has now decided to get my youngest daughter involved and he is now trying to get custody.
eventually im hoping everything will settle down.

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