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Teenagers So many parents of teens have said "just you wait!" But why? What are your thoughts on teens today?

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Old 11-30-2009, 07:15 AM
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help with teenagers

i am the mother of 4 teenagers (11,13,15,&17) & a step mom to a 5 year old... thats a whole nother story that i have posted in the step parent forum.
We have had some really bad times, including my children calling the police on me becuase they dont like the rules, and made up lies. it was investigated and i was found not guilty but it is the whole point that a teenager would rather lie and get someone into trouble and not care about their younger siblings than just follow simple rules.
the 2 older ones were sent to their dads for awhile but did not better there. when they came home i set down with them and made home rules and consequences.
but why i am writing today is the kids get along with me just fine unless i tell them something they dont want to hear or ask them to do something they dont want to do. now up til recently it was just the 2 older that would oppose me so viciously. but lately the 2 younger ones are.
my 13 year old has started getting the worst attitude, and its not just here at home but at school too. during our thanksgiving break he just would not stop his attitude, after repeateded warning to stop. he finally had to pull a consequence form the consequence jar ( thats part of our rules, it has things in there like build a layer to our rock wall around the driveway, dig dirt for 45 minutes, copy definations of a word 100 x's, clean out the frige, scrub the toilet, clean the car) anyways he went from 1-6 consequences, and he was not really doing the consequences, so after much thought i told them all the kids that if they acted up they would run laps up and down or little hill ( its not very far but it does kill your halves) and if they got into trouble i would add 5 to it every time. well DS decided to start with the attitude calling people names, being rude. so i made him run. he was out there saying some of the most hurtful vicious things i have heard from a kid... he hates me, he hopes that all my kids dad take me to court and take the kids, he is going to kick me in the face, he is going to rip off my face, he is going to hit me, he is going to kill himselves, the runnning is killing him and i will probably be happy when he is dead , i was a whore, im fat and dont do anything... it just went on. and when he would come in and start to write his sentences he would just be a butt again and tell me he would rather run. he did i kid you not 155 laps that night.. the whole time saying mean hurtful things kicking the car as he went, and hitting the well house. i would just sit there and say i know which pissed him off even more. he is not supposed to be borrwoing peoples phones and he has been caught twice sneaking and texting his father with someones phone that he has brought home here. i have told him and his dad(who he hasnt seen or talked to in 9 yers, so this is a new thing) that he can email or talk on the home phone. he told me he was goign to go back to school and text his dad no matter what i say on his friends phones.
now my oldest is on a fins petition since she came home from her dads and decided to start beng bad so she could go back to her dads where she wasnt monitored and didnt have rules. the police detective told me to put her on the fins. part of that is counciling and i am in the process of getting that set up, not just for her but for all the kids, i figured it would be good for all of them. but im really not knowing what to do about this situation.
the next day his 11 yr old sister who just got back from her dads visiting for thanksgiving, decided to throw a fit at the dining room table be rude and disrestful to me and then proceed to grab a handful of food and shove it in her mouth after she was told not to use her fingers. so i mde her run 10 laps. she was out there telling me she would rather go live with her dad. he was better and she hated me. now she has always been a mommas girl. her dad and i were together 10 years. he is in the navy and was always gone. not that its his fault its just the way it worked out. so she has always been a mammas girl. and although she has a temper she has never talked to me like that before. when i called her father and told him she said that he told her no you cannot say that to your mom becuase you are mad... but when you guys are not mad at each outher sit down with her and ask her about coming to live with me... i was floored he would say that.
anyways i would love some advice. i really am not the worlds stricktiest parent, i have rules and they arent hard ones. but when a child thinks that they can just run off to the other parent becuase they dont like a rule her, it leaves that parent with hardly any other options. i can tell you that i truly do love all my kids or i would have just let them go to their dads an dot cared. but i think as a parent it is our job to teach them what is wrong and right.
anyways thanks for listening
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Old 12-05-2009, 07:32 PM
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Karriel, I don't know what to say that will make things better. I can feel your pain and hear your words. I do have a few thoughts for all they are worth. Is it at all possible that the elder ones are doing some drugs? I am not saying they must be, just that it is a possibility. Look at their eyes, you will know. Huge pupils, or red whites. This could be one problem. I know that kids like to test their boundaries, and yours are really getting into it. They are all so close in age that they learn quickly from each other. Not fun for you. I have never found a consequence that has actually worked. I had to try tough love, backfired. I tried the police, no luck. I tried grounding, chores and no doors, no luck again. I don't know what works. Just don't quit trying! Love them when they do good things, and make sure they know you are not happy when they screw up. One thing from me to you, you are the best mom you can be and don't let anyone tell you differently!
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Old 12-06-2009, 05:52 AM
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Karriel, my heart goes out to you. I have two teenage dd's and we have had some rough times, more with the younger one than the older one, but nothing like what you are going through. I think the most important thing is that you and your ex show a united front. Maybe counseling for everybody, including you and your ex?
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Old 12-06-2009, 09:01 AM
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Maybe some help...

Gee, This sounds like a replay of my life some years ago, but not of all of my kids- just one! I see that you are being played against the other parent as this is an escape for them. Most likely your Momma's girl is not disrespecting her dad like she is you while in his presense, and she had not been in his life for so long he is still early in their relationship. They are still in the "getting to know you" stage! But my daughter refused to go see her Dad until she was 6 years old, and when she turned about 15 or so she decided she would pull this crazy behavior on me. She went from an honor student in school to a "C" student, closer to a D student. She was even caught skipping school with certain driving friends. My cure, well thought out , was to go to our local Juvenile Court and chatted with one of the intake officers. I told her that I had tried every type of rule, took away her favorite games, made her clean, mow the grass, etc. Her Dad said that she would not play us against one another, so he refused to take her for that reason. Well, the court gave her a "try" at going to her Aunt's house (Dad's sister) as she had no kids and could donate her time fully to my daughter, they even put an ankle moniter to know if she was to leave there... I agreed, but told them that she probably wouldn't stay there, figuring that my daughter would not do well at a total strangers house as this Aunt never had anything to do with her since she was born, and she probably wouldn't be there long. Sure enough, she snuck out of the window the very night she stayed there her first night. She wasn't found for four days, running around to different friends homes. She did call me on the second day to tell me she was okay but not to let me know where she was. So after they caught her they sent her to a Juvenile detention center for about 8 days until they could find a placement in a Group Home. She was sent to this Presbyterian Group Home for an undetermined time frame. I had to sign a lot of papers, and she went to public school, but she was not able to have contact with family until about 6 weeks after she was there, and you then had to earn your visits, but could not go off of campus until they were earned also. They were very tough Love believers! It was based on your income, with many paying nothing, they turned down no one.They had house parents there all night pulling shifts, so no window escapes, or break outs! It broke my heart and she was there almost 9 months. In her following school years she was an honor student, making all A's in her senior year. She made many friends there with the counselors, and kids. She learned how to cook very well, keep up her chores at home, and be a responsible, caring kid, as she was until she got up with the wrong kids, and the one I knew I had raised. She sent me letters thanking me for caring enough to let her go for those months. My other 3 kids at home were ages two, 17, and 24. Maybe you could check into this type of arrangement after some possible counseling as maybe the older ones are a big influence and sounds like they are scheming against you so that they all can get their ways. I really feel for you and what you're going through and I thought I would go crazy just dealing with this with one daughter... God Bless you! You are in my heart
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Old 12-08-2009, 07:17 AM
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wow thank you guys so much for responding. sometimes it helps just knowing you are not alone out there. i did the kids intake for the on campus councilor from a nearby counceling center. they have a program where they have a councilor on the school grounds, that way the kids dont have to leave to go to appointments. we had a wonderful chat about all the kids yesterday, and they gave me some usefull information. my oldest daughter has been signed up for a fins petition. we have not been to court yet as the caseload is long. but it hasnt seemed to fase her at all. sometimes shes a sweet girl and it looks like she may be trying and the next she is back to throwing a fit and not wanting to do anything.
well the councilors told me i should schedule a visit to tour the local juvinelle facility so that they can see what happens to you if you end up going there.
they also told me to talk to the juvinelle probabtion officer and set up a time to take them to sit in the juvie court and watch the arraignments. the judge we have is very fair but she is also very strict and they thought that might also help to open the kids eyes that we mean business.
somedays we have good days, and there are others that i just bawl wondering what is it i can do to help them see that there behavior is hurtful, and disrespectful. and why after all i have done for them they would treat me that way.
anyways thanks so much for the replies it mean alot!
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Old 12-08-2009, 08:50 AM
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Karriel, so glad you got into some counseling, and any visit with the court system and the way it operates should maybe put a scare into them to a certain extent. Best of luck to you for some peace of mind and just PEACE period, lol! I know you have got your plate full...
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Old 12-09-2009, 04:19 PM
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karriel, You are not alone! My 15 ds2 is a very difficult child and is not easy to live with. I am at my wits ends sometimes just trying to get through a day with him. And his temper is not fun. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you but all I can say is hang in there. I just take it one day at a time.
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Old 12-11-2009, 11:47 PM
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hi Karen I have had the same problem they are now, 21,22,23,24. It was the most stressful time but you have to stay strong keep repeating never give in never surrender try to keep calm at all times or they win, and stick to your rules I hope you have a supportive husband or some really good friends you can talk things through with just remember they will eventually stop there bad behaviour and then say they are sorry for all the bad things they said and did there is light at the end of the tunnel i promise you take care and always always have time for yourself even if its half an hour hiding in the wardrobe lol love Nicole x
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Old 12-12-2009, 03:36 PM
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I agree with chadsmom. My parents raised my one sisters two youngest kids, not TaraK's. They ended up filing incorrigibilty charges against both kids. They were disrespectful, stole things from my parents and from co-workers at the fast food place they worked at, both got into pot. Once they both did a few months in a juvenile detention center they settled down for the most part. Both were really upset at first with having to go to the center but they soon realized that they brought it on themselves.
They are both married now, one has a little boy.
I often tell them they should thank GOD everyday for Nanny and Pap, b/c if it wasn't for them, who knows where they would have ended up.
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Old 12-17-2009, 06:56 AM
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I feel your grief and struggle..
I don't want to offend, but I truely believe there is only one way we all can be helped.

This is a good time of year to show them who God is. Let them know they are going to be accountable for everything they do life, not only to you in a temporal sense, but to God their creator in eternity.

Once they understand the holiness of God, and they realize there is nothing they can do to earn their way into God grace. Perhaps they will repent and turn from their selfishness to the living God. If this happens, then their heart will be changed and their attitudes.

If you would like any help in this way you may PM me.
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