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Teenagers So many parents of teens have said "just you wait!" But why? What are your thoughts on teens today?

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Old 08-09-2006, 08:38 PM
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Sad face 15 year old daughter trouble

I have a 15 year old daughter and I learned somethings about her lately. My daughter is listening to music that I don't aprove of such as HIM, a band that sings about death and killing yourself to prov elove, and another band called The Bloodhound Gang, who sings about sexual and other vulgar things. My daughter is very individual and has rebelled since she was 12. She has a vulgar mouth, which is one problem. She also smoked, which I understand teen's try to do to fit in, but she started smoking when no one else did and she was smoking a pack in two days! She just turned 15 and I dont think this is healthy. She also has drinken before and already has a high tolerance for rum as well as whiskey. I never allowed my daughter to do this and always thought she was okay. The last thing I learned was my daughter is a cutter. She doesnt cut her wrists but her thighs. I learned these things from reading her diary and overhearing conversations, both I know is wrong to do. I know if I say something she'll tell me to bug off and won't care. She is a good kid on the outside though. She's in the tenth grade and in all honors classes so I dont understand how she can maintain her grades so well and do this. I dont know how to approach my daughter and talk to her about this and I want to know what;s a good way?
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Old 08-09-2006, 09:05 PM
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I hope this helps

I have a sister the same age as your daughter and so I have seen her go through a lot of things you've mentioned. I hope this will help you.My first suggestion is not to make your daughter feel like she is forced to talk to you. She will come and talk to you in her own time, so you must give her that space. I'm not saying that you should ignore her, you are after all, her mother. I am suggesting that you let her know that if there's anything she needs to discuss/vent about it, that you're there and when you promise that, follow through...make sure to listen when she talks. Cutting is a serious issue, but in order to handle it, you have to keep things in perspective and remain calm.My second suggestion is that if you feel like she's not comfortable talking about it with you, which let's face it, there are some things that teens don't feel comfortable discussing with their parents, so you need to be prepared for it, make another peer/adult/family member of some kind available for her to talk toMy third and last suggestion is this, when she does open up about her life no matter how you much you dislike or disagree with her actions DON"T freak out on her and DON'T judge her. I watched my mother make some huge mistakes because she reacted emotionally to the situation instead of calmly. If you do start to make your own judgements on her behavior, actions, life, etc. it will only cause her to feel alienated from you. It is fine to have your own opinion, but that opinion shouldn't be hurtful to her. You want her to feel like you are there for her no matter what, so alienating would accomplish the opposite. Now these are in no way, orders for you. It is just from my experience dealing with teens and my siblings. I hope that this helps you figure out the right course of action and that your daughter gets the support/help that she needs. I'll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck!
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Old 08-09-2006, 09:07 PM
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I am sorry that I can't offer any advice to you on this subject but I would recommend that you take your daughter for professional counseling or at least to be seen by a doctor immediately. The things that she is doing need to be focused on now and can't be overlooked.

I can be here for support for you though whenever you need to talk to someone.

You and your daughter will be in my thoughts as I hope that you can find a resolution to what is really going on with her.


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Old 08-10-2006, 02:51 PM
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As much as she would never admit it, I think the cutting is a cry for attention -- not necessarily from her mother or her family, but from everyone. She's trying to assert her individuality by being noticed as an individual and getting attention. I knew a lot of girls like this when I was a teenager, and it's something that each of them grew out of.

The drinking is something that's a lot more worrisome. How is she getting access to all this booze, anyway? This kind of rebellion via drinking is also part of discovering herself by rejecting the roles that others have tried to impose upon her and replacing it with something else. The challenge is finding something for her (or letting her find something) that will help her define herself, and that won't be unhealthy.

The music is something you have no control over. Throw out her CDs and she'll download the songs on an iPod or something. The music is the least of your worries, so I would say let it go for now.

Btw, I'm not a psychologist or anything, so take the above advice with a grain of salt. It could very well turn out that she does need the help of a professional, though.
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Old 08-13-2006, 03:38 PM
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Bless your heart Sasha. First, cutting, heavy drinking, and smoking are all signs of depression. I wouldn't be surprised if she was sexually active and not using protection, another self-injurous behavior. If it is depression, it is usually easy to tackly and begin treatment. Self-injury can also be a sign of Borderline Personality Disorder. She may be doing it to release pain (I know it sounds weird), to relatiate, or even to punish herself for the shame that she may be feeling. If it were me, I were take her in to see a psychologist or psychiatrist asap so that the proper diagnosis can be made and she can get on the road to recovery. Another thing is that self cutting has been popular in your daughter's age group. I am not sure if it is popular where you are located. You need to find out why she is behaving this way before she ruins her life.

As for her being independent, get Dr. Dobson's book, "The Strong Willed Child." He has some excellant pointers for dealing with a child such as yours without breaking her spirit. I am not surprised that she is an honor student. Strong-willed ppl tend to be over-achievers, and that can also lead to shame if that person isn't living up to the expectations she thinks she should be accomplishing. In other words, she may be harder on herself than you could imagine.

Get help because you don't have to deal with this alone. Please let us know how your DD is doing. I empathize more than you know. Good luck.
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Old 08-13-2006, 04:33 PM
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15 year old trouble

Sasha,
Hang in there. I too have a 15 year old dd who is surprising me greatly. She isn't cutting, but her friends did that a couple of years ago. I agree with the ladies that said to seek prof. help. Don't be surprised if she refuses to go though. Do you have any support at a church you attend? or maybe her high school counselor as well? I know when I was 15 I was a "cutter" but it was not even named that then. My counselor at school was awesome and never judged me. I also wouldn't feel bad about "spying". The things she is doing are dangerous. I know I have been tempted to call Dr Phil for my daughter! There is another book to by Gary Chapman called The Five Love Languages of Teenagers that I have learned from too. Most of all, the most powerful thing you can do right now, is pray. You can do that anywhere and anytime! It hurts so much to see our kids making bad decisions, I find comfort in remembering that God loves them even more than we do. Hang in there.
Nancy
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Old 08-13-2006, 04:43 PM
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I am praying for your daughter Sasha.. and I am praying for you too. God bless you.
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Old 08-13-2006, 05:20 PM
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Sasha,

It is so hard to watch our kids self-destruct in any way. I don't pretend to have the answers, but from experience pass this on.. SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP (and she may really put up a fight but get friends etc to help and insist).

And in the meantime -
TRY to love unconditionally - they can't stop you! Kids can slam doors, walk away, turn music up loud, ignore, ignore, ignore, but they can't stop you loving them.
TRY not to judge, it only builds walls.
TRY not to put-down verbally, it only makes them deaf to all conversation then.
I say try because you won't always manage it - you're human too.

And pray without ceasing. I know at times we can't pray, so then let others do it for you! Ask friends, the prayer team here on this site, anyone and everyone.

The fact that your dd is a top student may be part of the issue - "the naughty ones get noticed so if I do the wrong thing they'll notice me etc" (My step s has this attitude, unfortunately his mother ignored it and he is now a 28 yr old in a dreadful state. His dad was/ is powerless to help.)

Thinking of you and praying for you,


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Old 08-13-2006, 10:04 PM
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Sasha, I think we should put your daughter on the prayer request thread too.

See if the school has a referral system through the counseling office. Ours has Peer Referrals that are non punitive and usually help a lot.

Doing many things from many angles and something will take.
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Old 08-14-2006, 04:16 AM
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My manager's daughter is/was a cutter as well as being bipolar and has had a lot of therapy this past year.

I agree with talking to the school counselor to let them know what it going on and to seek help through the school. And also take her to your family doctor for a physical & referal to a therapist for your daughter and yourself to help you deal with everything going on.

The drinking really bothers me whoever is buying the hard booze could be taking advantage of her which could lead to medical problems.

Roberta
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