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Old 07-26-2002, 03:51 PM
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Does anyone really survive?

I miscarried my first baby March 9, 1987 and it is still painful to think about. 15 years ago and it is still difficult. So, my question is - We go on but do we really survive?
Mom to my angel in Heaven, 03/87
Mom to my angel on Earth, 01/89
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Old 07-27-2002, 05:13 PM
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I will try to respond later, I have never accidently sent a message too soon, but obviously, I slipped up and sent the message before I was finished. It was 1964, my first lost baby, and although I have four now. I still can start crying when I think of her. The first Sheila was stillborn the next three where miscarriages. Things would have been so different, and we where not allowed to grieve as woman seem to do now. It was all ignored. No, we just go on, I think. Women are stronger than anyone gives us credit for. Time does not heal all wounds.
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Old 07-27-2002, 05:26 PM
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I can join this crowd! I miscarried the first time in 1986, then again last year in March, again last year in October and this year in March. (I have one son who is 2, and I am 17 weeks pregnant now.)

The first one was the most traumatic. It took years to not be so upset over it. Then the October one was bad, as I needed a D & E. It was horrible.

I have to one ever really recovers from something like that. From what I hear / read...these miscarriages are considered children and will meet us on the other side when we are done here.

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Old 07-27-2002, 05:39 PM
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Sorry for your the pain for me is still and always will be tho I have moved on and had gone to a support group (I had met a women who had 10) and finelly had a child tho most of her PG she was bed ridden. I realized I was not alone in this

I had my miscarriage in 92 on Valentine's Day due to a fibroid tumor I try not to let it get to me but it does but only for a brief mommet. I make my self busy..I did have another child in 94 and she is so so special to me despite her health problems.... God Bless
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Old 07-27-2002, 06:05 PM
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Losing a child, born or unborn, is something I doubt any woman ever gets over. I've had 11 miscarriages (two were with twins), and although I have gone on with living, I will never forget. I have a 12 year old son, and a 15 1/2 month old son, and they certainly keep me busy, but I've always thought that I'd have been happy to have raised ALL the children that I grew to love, even if 13 of them were for just short periods of time. I, too, believe that they will be waiting for me on the other side, and although I'm not ready to meet them in that way just yet, it gives me a sense of peace to know that they will be there. My best suggestion to anyone who has gone through this horror, is to make the most of the life you have, and allow yourself to feel the pain...don't hide it from yourself.....but don't live in it either. I hope this has helped........
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Old 07-27-2002, 06:28 PM
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We survive, but never can we went it is asked every year during our annual pelvic exam. I think about the baby I has been 15 yrs for me also. I heard we are reunited when we leave this earth, I am not sure of this, is anyone???

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Old 07-27-2002, 07:19 PM
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I have miscarried 2 babies at around 10 weeks. Many people have long forgotten but I haven't and never will.

I have a friend that had a still born at 7 weeks. She went into almost complete withdrawal for about a year and went to counseling. The thing that she found that helps her the most is:
when she feels like crying she does. The day of the dead anniv. they spend as a family. And the other thing that helps her is to reach out to others in the same situation.

My prayers are with you.
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Old 07-27-2002, 09:59 PM
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I have lost three pregnancies in the past year, and I am beginning to appreciate how one never forgets or gets over the loss of one's own unborn child, even though others do. A friend of mine calls it a "secret shame," something we are not allowed to publicly grieve. People just don't know what to say to you, so they try to avoid the subject and pretend your baby never existed--and they expect you to, too.

But I am certain our babies are in heaven. The Bible I read says that God knew us in the womb, and I believe he knew my children there, too, and that they are with him now, even though that wasn't how it was supposed to be. He doesn't kill our children--he gives life. I really had to come to grips with that because I was mad, mad, mad that he didn't save my babies, even though I was very sick and didn't know it (which is what I found out caused the miscarriages).

I guess my faith and learning how to grieve is helping me cope. I just passed the due date of the first one this week, but I felt peace, not agony. Sometimes I just cry and cry. Other times I'm fine. That's just the way it is, and it's o.k.

I have tried to look for the seed of an equal or greater benefit that always can be found in an adversity. In my case, I have learned to be more compassionate toward others. I've also had lots of opportunities to help others through their own grief because I now understand first-hand. Taking my eyes off myself and putting them on others helps a lot. You know, if we're listening, we find out that there are many, many women who have experienced this horrible sorrow and need support as much as we all do, maybe more.

May God bless you and give you courage, strength, peace and joy to face the years ahead. "The joy of the Lord is my strength."
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Old 07-28-2002, 03:56 AM
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I think the key to everyone here is that we are allowed to grieve. Some women who have never suffered this...(my mother, for example)...have told me to "get over it". I tried to be very objective when I heard this and told myself that I hoped they never had to suffer like me, because if they have they would not have made that comment.

I also feel that despite that we will never overcome these losses, we can use them to be stronger. These children would not want us to be victims of their loss. They would want us to carry on.

My first miscarriage, I did get counselling too. IT helped a lot. And I also find it comforting to know others that are in the same boat. For me, this is all I have needed recently. Just knowing I am not alone...maybe not in my family and friend circle, but look at all of us so far (on-line)! Plus a couple of us have suffered so many times!

And for me, I cannot allow myself to get angry (though I was with my last one) on why they happened...mine were all at 6 weeks...I just have to accept that it was what it was...God gave me these situations to grow on, so I am trying to do just that.
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Old 07-28-2002, 05:26 AM
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I can certainly relate & my heart goes out to all of you. My first, Nitasha, had anancephaly (a birth defect that doesn't allow the brain & skull to develop properly) and lived about 2 hours. She was born Jan. 29, 1989, and lived about 2 hours. Jan. 25, 1990, I miscarried. Since then I've had 3 successful pregnancies - Kyra, born Dec. 21, 1991; Alissa, born Oct. 10, 1997 (a special birthday present for me! Same day as mine!); and Andrea, born Aug. 17, 1999.

I think that it always remains hard for a mother to think of her child. I have a nephew who was born March 28 after Nitasha was. When he went to Kindergarten, she would have gone too. That was really hard on me to see him go and not get to watch her. I don't know why, but I think his high school graduation will be terrible for me. I'll be happy for him, but my mind will be filled with thoughts of, would she have graduated with honors? Would she be at the bottom of the class? Would she be one of these kids that dress like a freak (although I wouldn't allow that), would she always be polite, well dressed & well respected? Would she be crazy over the boys or more into sports? What sport would she like?

My nephews 13th birthday was the hardest on me. That was in March & we were all at Mr. Gatti's for his party. As we were singing "Happy Birthday", and where you say their name, I said "13 Year-old" instead, and it just all of a sudden hit me & I started to cry. It was really hard not to just run to the bathroom & have my cry out, but somehow I managed to stay in there. I'm not one to show my feelings, and I didn't want others to hurt because I was. I felt like it would really put a damper on his party.

I guess I could say that my experience could have been worse, but I've survived & never thought I could if I lost a child. I still have my days, especially her birthday, and some years it is worse than others. My aunt's first baby died and she had several miscarriages, and her daughters 26th birthday was the hardest one she'd ever gone through, so, no, time doesn't take it away, it just makes it easier to deal with on a daily basis, but everyone is allowed their setbacks once in a while. And for the other one, I always wonder if it was a boy or girl, if it would have been born on Sept. 1 when it was due, what it would look like, all that.

My sister-in-law lost a baby last fall & in less than a week people were telling her she needed to go to the doctor to get medicine to help her get over it. It's not that easy & I think that we need our time to grieve because if we don't now, we will later & it is always worse later.

I hope all this makes sense, if not I apologize. My mind tends to race when I think about things like this. But I guess to sum it up, just stay on the upbeat side as much as possible, cry when you feel like it and hang what other people say (especially if they never lost one), and deal with it the best you can. Other people can be very cold hearted - I know because I've heard lots of hurtful things, but you'll always love them and never really get over it. God gave mothers a special love for our children and he'd never want us to forget them and get over them. I'm sure he doesn't do that with us! And as far as meeting them on the other side, out minister's wife (the one at the time we had our trials) assured me that they are babies from conception and that I will one day get to raise them in a much better world. So if she's right, won't that be the best reunion in the world?!

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