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  #41 (permalink)  
Old 08-28-2002, 08:00 PM
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Mom,
I am so sorry to hear about your loss! I am here to talk anytime you need someone. I am also posting a site that was a great help to me when we lost our Kyle a little over three years ago. http://www.miscarriagesupport.org/ If you are having lots of trouble with dealing with this you might subscribe to the email group on that same site. I also highly recommend the book called "I'll hold you in Heaven" by Jack Hayford. I wish you lots of luck and will be holding you and your family up in prayer. You are welcome to email me privately anytime.
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  #42 (permalink)  
Old 07-14-2004, 04:42 PM
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I know this is a thread that has benn inactive for awhile but I thought I would bring it back.

I had 4 miscarriages before having my 3 children. The first was the hardest because not only had I lost a child but my hubby was overseas during the gulf war and I had no family or friends to turn to in the area. My employer at the time took me to the hospital and then had to leave. I had never felt so alone. My hubby and I were only married 5 months and I lost our child at 4months gesatation. the military sent a young private whom i had never meet with flowers as they were wheeling me into surgery. I was so mean to him beacause he just wasn't who I needed to see. My hubby still was not contacted till after the surgery....he was torn but could only talk for 10 min. His superior came to see me and told me He would not be coming home because it could have reprecussions on his career!!! I have to say I think this was one of the worst times so far in my life. The other 3 I had were still traumatic but at least i had some support.
I still 13 year later still keep the teddy from the hospital on our bed.

Take care everyone
debknechtel
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  #43 (permalink)  
Old 07-15-2004, 11:50 AM
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Thanks for reopening thread debknechtel

Hi debknechtel! I am a newbie here & have just a few min to pop in but wanted to say thanks for reopening this thread! I will reply to all I have heard from in welcoming me ASAP when I have more time to chat, but in the meantime as I said I wanted to express my thanks for your recent post. I am so very sorry that you as well as the others here from the posts I have read have had to endure such a painful loss. I'm sorry you did not have much support initially & for the manner in which things were handled. Oh how I can relate to insensitivity! I am still getting through the loss of my child I miscarried in Sept. I was still in my first trimester at 9 wks gestation, & the comments I've heard have been so shocking & hurtful. I have been blessed though w/ a small support network (that appears to now be growing I see! Hmmm - maybe the Lord wanted me to stumble upon this site when He saw I needed additional support to share & to also help others who have or are going through such a traumatic event in life

I have been blessed w/ finding an additional Christian pregnancy loss group online of which I joined shortly after my miscarriage, & it has been a tremendous help! Friendships have formed from ladies that really do know how I feel of this loss, & I hope this thread here will become more active from prior members who posted in the past - understand though I wish no one would have to face the loss of a child, but things happen for reasons we don't understand. I cling to the comfort I feel that my child is w/ the Lord in Heaven, & the Lord does know the pain I feel & strength I need. Days do get easier I hear & have seen this to be true at times, but it's a roller coaster ride - many say move on & be over it.....move on yes - be over it - never....you get THROUGH it. Didn't mean to ramble on - I am open though to discuss this issue w/ anyone that wants to chat. Guess in my intro I should have said I'm a mom to a 4 yr old & an angel in Heaven. I have done several things that have been suggested to me from those dealing w/ grief & miscarriages. It's really helped too. I've also had some things looked upon oddly by non-supportive people, but then some people have truly been supportive so.....that's how our society is though - supportive & non-supportive individuals of things. Thanks once again for readdressing this thread. Will watch this forum also & pop in when I have more time to chat. Take care & God bless.....

Karen
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  #44 (permalink)  
Old 07-15-2004, 02:12 PM
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WELCOME KAREN

Thanks for your kind words....I love that you say you mom to a 4 year old and an angel in heaven!! I will have to remember that when friends go through a miscarriage.

I'm so sorry that you had to go through a miscarriage, it is so hard to understand no matter what one's faith is. I'm like you and do believe that god has a plan but it still is hard to accept. Nobody can tell you how to feel or what you should be feeling. For everyone it will be different. By the time I had my 4th miscarriage I felt god was telling me that we were not going to be blessed with children of our own and that he had greater plans for us. We even went through courses to start fostering young children. I think the most important thing people can do is just listen and be supportive when someone goes through this. If I wanted to cry I did not want someone telling me to get over it and be happy that I did not give birth to a child with a defect....Those are the chances we take and I believe god will only give us what we can handle. If I was blessed with a child who was physically or mentally challenged I would love them just the same....so that is a terrible thing for someone to say to someone who is grieving the loss of a child whether youare just pregnant ofr full term it still hurts! LLike you I could go on forever.....I will check back later
I am really sorry for your lose I think it is great that you are part of a support group wish I had that when I was going through my grief. I am now blessed with 3 wonderful children who are lucky to be in this world as I bleed with all 3 in the beginning to but they all arrived in this world safe and sound!
Take care of yourself, my thoughts are with you

debbie
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  #45 (permalink)  
Old 07-16-2004, 10:11 AM
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Thanks Debbie

Thanks for getting back to my post Debbie. Just have a min to chat - my 4 yr old is SUPPOSED to be napping before his friends come over to swim - he's not napping though!

Anyhow.....thanks for the understanding & support - I'm not sure how much activity this thread will get but do hope we can chat sometime. I can say though re: the thread YES you do survive. There are days that are tougher than others, & as the months have passed it has gotten a little easier but still things can easily trigger an emotional crying moment. I do better than I did before at seeing pregnant women & babies but it still tugs at the heartstrings - esp as the anniversary time begins approaching. Sept is a bittersweet month for me - I had my m/c on Sept 4 & my son's birthday is Sept 22nd. Let me tell you getting through his party last year was ROUGH but I did it I focused on him SO much. I fell apart later that night but......got through his party. Speaking of whom, he is begging me to play outside at the moment before his friends come over so need to run. Will be back later on tonight hopefully. Have a great day, & thanks once again for your outreached kindness & understanding. Talk to you soon....
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  #46 (permalink)  
Old 07-17-2004, 10:25 AM
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Hi Karen

Sorry it has taken me awhile to respond...I just have not had the time to sit and write a response. I was thinking of you though!!

The 1 year anniversary was hard for me too....but they do get easier. I'm sure it will always be a little harder for you with your son's birthday being so close. You will probably always remember how you were feeling trying to be happy for your one child yet mourning the lose of anouther. I'm glad you were able to be happy for your son and hold off on your grief till his party was over. I never had any misscarriages after my 1 st, they were all before I had any kids. I can't imagine how hard it would be too grieve when you have kids at home!. I have to run but just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you and I will try and get on this evening> take care

Debbie
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  #47 (permalink)  
Old 07-18-2004, 03:41 AM
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Hi Karen,
This year my little angel would be in her third year of primary school. I find it really hard b/c a close friend has a daughter born on my angel's due date. It is really hard to have a constant reminder of what could have been, but if I let myself dwell on that I will lose the friendship of a special little girl.
I am also a Christian (and would love to know the site you found). I think that God also cries when his kids hurt like we do. His plan isn't for life to be cut short, but he does know our little one's and holds them in His care.

It sounds like you are doing a great job of mothering your 4 year old, and still being true to your own emotions. Sometimes i find a candle, or a picture or music that I choose to chill out with while I have my moments of tears for Mikayla. Be kind enough to yourself and your family to allow the tears. If they stay inside I think they can make our compassion rust out and then we are useless to everyone, including ourselves.

Take care

Meg
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  #48 (permalink)  
Old 07-18-2004, 09:02 AM
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miscarriages

It has been 15 years and 14 years since I had my two miscarriages. I remember that it was kind of a "hush, hush" thing and believe it or not, after I miscarried the first time, I told my co-workers (all men) that I had been on vacation. I still remember the grief and numbness that goes with loss. I have counselled many people in the past years about the feelings etc. that go with it all and have some suggestions thought that might help. I wished at that time that someone would have come along and told me these things....

1. It is not your fault. Stop owning what does not belong to you. Because you ate something that did not agree with you or you had an argument with someone (or the any other thousand things "we could have done differently") doesn't mean that your actions caused the miscarriage.
2. You will go through all the stages of grief. Disbelief, anger, numbness, sorrow etc. It is normal and the stages need to be dealt with. Grieve. You have lost not only a child, but all the dreams you had for him/her.
3. People mean well, but try not to be offended by their comments (it wasn't a baby; it would have been mentally challenged'; you can have another...) The list goes on and on. If you have been there, you have heard them all and then some. Others that have not been there cannot understand. Thank them for their sympathy and remember that they are probably very uncomfortable with the whole subject of dying and death.
4. Realize that sometimes there just are no answers. As hard as it is, sometimes life is just like that.
5. Be honest with your spouse. It is hard for them also. Often times they are forgotten because they did not carry the child. Your husband is grieving the loss of a child and the dreams he had for them too.
6. Allow yourself time to heal. You will be tired. Grief is a difficult and hard business. Make sure you get get extra rest and spend some time with encouraging friends. Realize that you will need some time before you jump back into normal life. Normal life has changed. Your life will forever be changed because of this experience. At the very least, you will have a deeper compassion for others going through similar or tying circumstances.
7. Because I am a strong Christian, it is hard for me not to add as a final note - trust God. I believe that I will see my babies when I go to heaven. That has given me a lot of comfort and I know that God can and will use circumstances in my life for His purposes.
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Old 10-04-2004, 09:06 PM
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Just found this thread again. The one miscarriage I think about most is the twin of DS's. I often wonder what that twin would be like and how they would act together and I know he would be diffrent. But I just have to look at it in the respect that all the little ones are with God. DS is here because of both the first known one and his twin.

Our church has a Project Rachel, which is primary for ones who have had aborntions but do have a memorial mass for everyone who has lost a child due to miscarriage, still birth, SIDS, etc. At one of our cemetaries there is even a little memorial.

There is also a church in New York, The Church of the Holy Infants, which has a shrine for the Memory of Children Who Have Died Unborn. You can sign their name in a book or send it to them on their form and they have a mass said once a month for all the names in the book. They will even send you a Certificate of Life if you want one. The site is http://innocents.com/ go to Church and expand on it and then select Shrine.
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Old 03-20-2005, 08:58 AM
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I know that this has not been an active site for a little while, but just suffering my 3rd miscarriage last week it helps to talk to others who know what you are going through. My aunt who has never gone through this sent me an e-mail saying "sorry about the baby, maybe God is trying to tell you something", well I won't be talking to her for awhile(no clue). My first m/c was in june 2000, that baby was due Dec. 16, 2000, my niece was born 12/18/00, I could not look at her or hold her until she was about 7 mos old & I bawled my eyes out. It still hurts when I see her but I love her to death. My second I lost in Nov 2003, it was due on July 18, 2004. D&C's with both of those because the baby did not pass on it's own. My last one was March 14th, 2005 due October 25, 2005, another D&C because the placenta was partially retained. This baby I had @ 3am in the toliet, my dh had to retrieve it & the placenta. But it made it more real for him as he held our baby in his hand, & he has been a lot more sensitive to this loss. We are seeing a specialist on the 31st of march to find out any reasons if possible & to see if it is possible for me to carry one more to full term.
As to getting over it you never do. My mother had a son in between my oldest brother & I 1 day after he was born in 1961, she still crys about his loss. In fact we have cried together over our losses. We really discussed it at great length a few months ago & we decided she was luckier than I was as she got to know what her baby was, name him, hold him, see him & tell him to his face how much she loved him. I never got that oppertunity. This is very hard to type as my pain is still raw. On the due(birthdates) of my other 2 I have taken a few moments each of those days & wish my child a happy birthday & reassure it that I still love it & have not forgotten it. My husband has even brought me flowers on those days saying it is his way of thinking of & honoring our children. Yes it is a loss! Yes it does hurt! And no if you have not gone through it you have not a clue!!!! It is your baby, your child, concieved of your love for the father, how can it not hurt. The last one took 14 months to concieve, so we are going for help, as I will be 40 in April & mt biological clock is really ticking on us now. Thanks for letting me vent a little & tell my story. Still
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