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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 07-28-2002, 07:37 AM
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Hi, Kathy!

My first miscarriage, I did the same. My child was due in September and I had a cousin born then. It almost freaks me out to know that she will 16 this September! Because my child would have been 16.

The others have been too recent and being pregnant now, give me a chance to focus on this one.

But my 3rd miscarriage happened the day after my son's birthday! I was grateful it happened then and not on his birthday. His birthday is so special just because it is his birthday, PLUS it is Halloween, my favorite holiday...AND I met my husband then.

My aunt had my cousin (who is 36 now)...then she had a normal pregnancy (or so they all thought) and my other cousin has physical and mental handicaps, then she miscarried at 5 months.

I just have to think that having a situation where you actually delivered your child...or feeling it move or even hear the heartbeat has to be worse than my situations, so I try to think of that when I am down.

to everyone
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Old 07-28-2002, 05:14 PM
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I have never had a miscarriage but to answer your question.......in my family, I did not find out till I was pregnant w/#2 that my mom had 3 miscarriages, 1 stillbirth and 1 baby that died the day of birth. It was never talked about. So I was 24 when I learned I had 5 other siblings. Dont know the sexes or names. So I can only guess it is that difficult that one needs to keep it a secret till a family member is in a situation and may need that info. Fortunately all was fine. The blood test I had was drastically wrong and we have a healthy son. He's 7. My heart goes out to all of you.
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  #13 (permalink)  
Old 07-29-2002, 05:55 AM
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don't lose hope...

You are not alone in feeling the way you do....I have a 2 1/2 year old son and just recently, our daughter was stillborn when I was 7 months pregnant. We don't know what caused the placenta to separate and cause her death, but we have learned that asking "why?" seldom leads to answers. While I always think of our daughter, I recognize how lucky we are to have our son, and hope and pray to have the chance to have another child. Don't deny your feelings, feel them, but don't dwell on them. Live, look for the beauty in life, and stay positive. Your experiences can be your strengths.
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Old 07-30-2002, 08:29 PM
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After reading all these posts, I almost feel ashamed to post because I only had one miscarriage back in 1987, but I have to agree with the others...you really don't ever "get over it" as everyone wants you to. I think I cried right on up after my oldest son was several months old...his mother lost a son to SIDS, so I was TERRIFIED that after having the child, I would lose him.

My own mother actually told me that I "had to be strong" for my then husband, b/c he couldn't handle his feelings or mine. She kept telling me that at least I "could get pregnant" (which is what she was worried about since I look just like my aunt who took 15 years to have her son). And my then husband (ex now) kept telling me to "just shut-up" whenever I was crying. My dr. told me to get pregnant right away again. NO ONE ever said anything about counseling! I guess that, having never gone thru something like this, no one knew the depth of pain you feel b/c your "baby" was only 7 weeks old and "really wasn't a baby anyway". I'm sorry, but my baby was a "baby" to me just as soon as I became aware I was pregnant!

What made mine so bad for me is that I never "lost the baby"; the lining of my uterus sloughed away bit by bit, and the dr. had to do a D&C to remove the baby.

I still break up about it whenever I see something similar on TV or hear something in a song, even though I now have 4 children of my own (2 of which are twins!) and 2 step-children. Of course, after finding out that my last pregnancy (6 yrs ago) was twins, I kinda' looked up towards heaven and said "You really didn't have to make up for the first one in this way!". But I feel soooo blessed to have my two girls (since the other 4 are boys).

Sorry to go on for so long. Take care of yourself. If the grief gets too much, please get help; there are agencies out there. Good luck for the future...my prayers are with you.
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Old 07-31-2002, 05:57 AM
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I guess I'm the "old timer" here having had my miscarriage back in 1975. I can assure you that you WILL survive and as with all hurts, time heals. The sadness of losing a child will never go away but it will fade and be manageable. My own mother told me "At least you didn't lose a person!" when I miscarried. I think this is where the wall I put between us over the years started to build. As I told her and anyone else who makes such insensitive statements, This was a child from the MOMENT of conception! I LOST a child at 2 1/2 months. I was in the hospital, having been admitted for spotting and forced bed rest. I woke up at 4 in the moring in a pool of blood. Sorry to be so graphic but we've all been there. I had a D&C that morning and though my doctor was a Christian, he was not any good to me as a counselor. He just told me he saw no reason to not try again, to just allow my body a couple of months to heal. I did get pregnant again, during the same month/time that I would have delivered that baby. I believe this was Gods gift to help me heal. That daughter is my middle child and is a wonderful person. I'm not saying he will do this for all who lose a baby but he WILL help you heal if you allow him.

It took me 5 years before I could think about that miscarriage without crying. Today, so many years later I still feel sadness but as someone in an earlier post said, I DO believe that this child and I will be reunited some day.

My oldest daughter miscarried a few years ago and believe me, I KNEW what she was going through so I was there for her to talk it out. How someone can think they are helping by telling you to get over it or that you didn't lose a person is beyond my understanding.

God bless and by all means talk about it when you can. It really does help.
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Last edited by nagymom; 07-31-2002 at 06:00 AM.
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  #16 (permalink)  
Old 07-31-2002, 06:53 AM
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God has blessed me and my husband with 4 children.
I've had 5 miscarriges over the last 16 yrs. always right before the 11th week.
This is always a painful subject. Do what grieving you need to, seek counciling if you need to and or clergy. What ever you do don't blame youself. God, knows what your pain and suffering and sighs are, and there is comfort in prayer. I do not believe God is cruel.

For a long time I blamed myself. For 15 of those 16 years my husband blamed me for those miscarrages. I had to have my tubes tied after my last daughter was born almost 10 yrs. ago for medical reasons. My 1st miscarrage was on my 21 birthday.
My last was about 8 mo. before I got pregnant with my youngest daughter. My namesday is Sunday and this post has reminded me to remember to light a candle for my babies whom I never got to hold, at liturgy as well as my 4 children here with me.You don't forget. You can make peace with God, and yourself but you won't forget completely.

Sometimes you receive answers from strange places.
I didn't receive one till last Feb. It took 25 yrs.... from my 21st birthday.

I was in my rheumatologist office for a 6 mo. checkup. I have had RA for years and other autoimmune symptoms. He had just diagnosed me with Sjorgrens disease also an autoimmune disease and matter of fact told me that "he was suprised I didn't know that my miscarrages may well have be related to my Sjorgrens"; since I had done a lot of reading on RA, Lupus and other autoimmune diseases and he told me "it may have been primary before my RA or secondary after, he couldn't tell." So to all you out there who may have had multiple miscarrages just be aware of that. FYI .
Which pretty much told me, I would have had the miscarrages anyway no matter what. And I had taken care of myself right prenataly during all those times.
I had made peace with God long before. I had mostly made peace with myself. I did not think at that time I would ever get an answer in my lifetime. It came 'out of the blue'. But it did help in this way. . . I stopped carring that my husband had blamed me.
I completely made peace with myself after he told me. I can hold my head up. Leslie9220
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Old 07-31-2002, 07:05 AM
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Leslie9220

I want to add AMEN to what Leslie said about not blaming yourself. My doctor did tell me that I could have done cartwheels and not miscarried (I had played volley ball a few days before), that I lost the baby because something was wrong with the fetus NOT me. This was a tremendous relief and helped the healing commence. Please don't ever allow anyone (and I mean anyone) to tell you that you did something to cause it. In my case I went on to have 2 healthy pregnancies and worked right up until 2 days before I had the last one. Get counseling if you feel the need. Also know that everyone here is ready, willing and able to help too.

God bless!
Jayne

PS:Leslie is what I named the daughter I got pregnant with after the miscarriage. She goes by her middle name of Brooke and is named Leslie after a childhood friend.
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Old 07-31-2002, 08:26 AM
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I absolutely believe that we will see those babies when we get to heaven. There is the verse where it says that "before we were formed in the secret place, God knew us." and that "every hair on our heads are numbered". God is a personal God - of that I am convinced.
As far as 'getting over it' - I don't know if that is the correct terminology - I think the experience changes you and becomes part of who you are. I have counselled many women that have suffered miscarriages and they appreciate the fact that I understand what they are feeling. The big issues seem to be that women tend to blame themselves. I try to affirm that sometimes in life, there just are no answers.
For healing purposes, although I did not know the sex of my babies, (both miscarried at 8-10 wks) I did name them in my heart - and I think this helped to validate that they had a part in my life history. It is not only a child you lose, but all the hopes and dreams that you had for that child.
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Old 07-31-2002, 11:33 AM
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I would have to agree with what Goria said about the hopes and dreams. I miscarried several weeks ago after an unexpected pregnancy-I wanted another but hadn't planned on it being quite so soon. The dr told me at the start that I probably wouldn't have this child (and I ended up having a D&C at 9 weeks after waiting for the mis-that never happened and 4 ultrasounds) but I just knew they were wrong. My best friend told me that I was now in a club that noone wanted to be a member of- how right she was (she had the same situation). I found that talking about it helped quite a bit and my friends and my church were wonderful. Reading helped as well and as I'm blessed with 2 wonderful girls, it's a little easier for me to deal with. I do believe I'll see my "baby c" again someday and, although I don't always understand what God has in store for me, I just have to trust that He knows what He's doing! I hope to have 1 more little one- we'll see...
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Old 07-31-2002, 12:11 PM
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I am with you there too, nagymom.

My last miscarriage...I was bedridden, and yet I still had a miscarriage. This pregnancy (I am 17 weeks along), I could feasibly move a car with my bare hands and nothing would happen.

The doctor said the same thing...it was the fetus NOT me.

And Leslie 9220: they are investigating lupus with me! My mother has lupus, so...I will find out soon! And if I do indeed have lupus, I will not be surprised as I have always felt that something was amiss.- I, also, have a friend that had a couple of miscarriages. She found out she had lupus too!
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