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Step-Parenting Ask other step-parents your questions about being a step mom.

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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 01-19-2004, 12:19 PM
Txchef_fran's Avatar
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8 yr old won't sleep in room..

Okay here is the lowdown. I have a 8 yr old DSS that will not sleep in his bed anymore. He tried eveything from pretending he is sick to crying about mosters, etc to get in bed with us. We only have him evey other weekend and for the last 3 visits this has become a problem. We have never had this problem before now. His mom has a new live in boyfriend but before him let DSS sleep with her all the time. He never slept in his own room. Now that she has a live in he has to sleep in his room. I am alsmot positive this sudden change in behavior has to do with attention and with his mom somehow. I am 4 months pregnant and my DH and I only have a queen bed so when he sleeps with his there is no way I am sleeping because I can already not get comfortable and then with less room it is even harder.

Does anyone have a school age kid going through this??? Help please. i had to stay home form work today because I was up from 3am to 6 until my DH went to work then there was room for me to sleep. I could go sleep in his room but I don't think that is the right thing to do. He needs to sleep in his own bed.
Until we "meat" again, break an "egg"

TX Chef Fran
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Old 01-30-2004, 06:45 PM
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GRRRR I have had it!!!

Now we have an even bigger problem. My husband doesn't want to deal with the problem of his son not sleeping in his bed so what does he do? Calls the mother to come over.... AUGHHHHHHHHHHHH that will help. Now he will expect that everytime he cries for his mommy to come over and when she doesn't he will cry more. I am so over it now. My DH and I got in a huge debate because I told DSS to go to bed and not to come out. He can cry himslef to sleep and he says I need to discuss it with him, as he is walking out the door. He has the nerve to tell me how to deal with HIS son but then does not hesitate to leave him here with me throwing a fit, wanting his mommy to come back and wanting his daddy. Grrr. So i call my DGH and say yeah that asted along time he is already up crying again. he talks to him and tells him he can get up and watch TV. Easy for him to say since he is not here! MY BLOOD IS BOILING and I guarantee you by 2 am he will be in my bed crying again.
Until we "meat" again, break an "egg"

TX Chef Fran
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Old 01-30-2004, 07:18 PM
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Oh, I feel so sorry for you. I have no advice to give since this is your step-child and neither of the parents want to deal with the issue!

Before today, has your DH even approached his son about his sudden want to sleep in your bed?

I know if it were one of my sons, I would sit them down and calmly ask them about the sudden change.

BTW - Congrats on your pregnancy! You're due in June?

Added Note : I just had a thought...I wonder if, along with the changes at his Mom's house, he is feeling like he is losing his status in your household with a new baby on the way???
Hook 'Em Horns!!!!
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Old 01-30-2004, 07:33 PM
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That is exactly what I was thinking! The new baby is probaly a threat to him as he/she will be taking part of his dad! My nephew will be 10 in Febuary and he loves my brothers gf however recently he for some reason is feeling threatened and is very clingy to his dad when he sees him and is starting to not be so nice to gf...They also recently got engaged! Keep us updated on situations! By the way how is the pregancy going? Hopefully all is well! I cant wait to be done! Due soon! Very soon!
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Old 01-30-2004, 07:58 PM
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Dd#1 went through something like that. It finally got to the point we told her if she ABSOLUTELY could not sleep in her room, she could sleep on our floor.
After a short time we changed the rules and she could now only sleep in the hallway outside of our room. See where I'm going here? She was still close to us, but gradually working her way back closer to her room and onto comfy bed-not a hard floor.

I hope it all works out for you, its hard enough to sleep while preg. if you even get to sleep at all. Poor guy, may need a little reassuring that everything will be ok.
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Old 01-30-2004, 10:05 PM
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TxChef Fran...congrats on your pregnancy...

as to the step son..... the mistake was giving in in the first place.
You must understand one thing.. you are not this child's mother, and you are not to discipline. Your husband wants to be the good guy....and that's not how it goes......You and hubby need to get into family counseling fast... and include sonny boy.....this child has you both by the throat and he knows it...

This is your husband's child and your husband MUST deal with it... not by bringing the Ex over to your place...that's not the answer....send him home. each time you give in, you are re-inforcing his behavior.

But the best way to handle it, is to go to counseling today. Don't wait....
I have never been an advocate of children sleeping in my bed..
It never happened in my house.. we raised 5 kids...and none ever even sat on my bed.

I've pulled a recliner rocker into their room when they were sick, but not in my room. ....

His mother is to blame for a lot of this.. You really really need to get into counseling quick with this kid....before he wrecks your marriage...and believe me, they can do that when the natural parent hides from his responsibility..... the blame goes on you ..don't let that happen.
Get a rise out of life!- Bake Bread!

"A hundred years from now, it will not matter the sort of house I lived in, what my bank account was, or the car I drove....but the world may be different because I was important in the life of the animals and the creatures on this earth."
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Old 01-31-2004, 01:03 AM
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I have seen a similar problem in a book I was reading once. It was a younger child that was acting up. The mom couldn't figure out why. Then something clicked and she realized it was because she was pregnant and the child felt like they were going to get rid of her when the baby came. So the mother put up two beds so she could see that there was room for both of them. She also took a candle and told her that the light from the candle was there love. She had two big candles to represent the parents and then two small candles to represent the child and the new baby. She lite the cancles and then lit the small candles from the big ones saying they both had enough love for each child. After that she had no problems.

Reading your letter brought this story back to mind. I think your DSS may be feeling really threatened as he is feeling he is loosing his mother and loosing both of you with the baby coming. Does he have his own room.? Do you have an extra room for the baby? Is there anything you can do to show him that he will still be wanted? If you can afford it, would getting him a new bedspread in something he wants or maybe painting the room his favorite color help? If it was me, I would talk to him about the baby coming and then reallyl put on a show about how lucky the baby is because he will have a big brother to look out after him and make him feel so important as a big brother. If he can see that once the baby comes that you will still want him, he may stop acting out.

Just some suggestions. I hope things work out for you. I know how hard it can be with step-children. Congratulations on your new addition.

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Old 01-31-2004, 06:52 AM
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I have a 9 y.o. DS that since he was very young was in our bed. We tried for years to get him to sleep elsewhere. When he was born we kept him in our bed but when he was old enough to crawl we placed him in a crib next to our to keep him from falling off.
Then when he was a bit older around 4 he would have some strange behaviors and would always end up in bed with us.
We dealt with many issues but I thought they were all growing
stages. Finally, when thing seemed to be out of control I sought help It took many tries but we found out that our son was Bipolar and ADHD.
In Bipolar children they will often dream in blood and gore and have horrid nightmares. Many times they can't explain these.
Now I know why he was afraid. This explained alot.
He is now on meds and they help a great deal but he is still prone to come to our bed when he feels afraid and it's OK with us. He is now also able to explain and express many of these dreams and they are enough to scare me.
Could there be an underlying issue(s)?
Not all kids are going to have problems like we have but usually if they are doing things like this they have a reason and it may not be something the child can explain. He may not even know why.
It may be just a "feeling" he gets.
Be patient, I realize it's hard. Try to look beyond the hassle. I've slept on the couch or spare bed many of times so that my son could feel secure.
Best of Luck!
Robin in NC
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Old 01-31-2004, 07:00 AM
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Texchef_fran, I know what your going through I have 3 stepkids all grown and out on there own now Thank goodness,. When dh and I first got married I took care of this 3 all the time he had full custady and the mother was offf doing her thing dont get me wrong i know thay were there when we got married it was hard at first thay thought if thay were mean to me I would leave but did thay ever get fooled I was tufer than thay thought i know this is different than you thay didnt sleep in my bed but thay done other things dh always stood behind me thank goodness or it would have never worked and I did diciplin them dh worked all the time and wasnt home and if i hadnt thay would have ran over me dh and I had a child of are own and thay all love her and now we have 4 grandkids so stand you ground dont let him run you off Ihope this helps this may sound awful but i always told dh thay would grow up one of these days and leave and I would always be here and that is true kids grow up and get there own lives dont let him ruin yours it will all work out good luck.
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  #10 (permalink)  
Old 01-31-2004, 07:15 AM
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You will have more problems if ALL of you don't get some sleep.
Put the kid on the floor. Then deal with counselling for all.

Make sure this kids gets some real hugging time with his dad. I have one child that is very physically needy and if she is stressed and not gotten enough "touch" time, I sleep in her bed to recharge her batteries.

Tell dad to sleep with his boy in the boy's bed. Frankly, if I saw my dad only every two weeks, I would be a basket case also.

Actually, I am an adult now and buried my dad last Thursday. I wonder how I'll feel in two weeks? My mom has my 7 year old niece to snuggle with.
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