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Step-Parenting Ask other step-parents your questions about being a step mom.

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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 08-05-2002, 12:51 PM
leftfielder's Avatar
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Join Date: Jun 2002
Posts: 7
what to make this situation?

Hello! I would like to receive inputs, comments, reactions, etc., to this situation that occured to me this past saturday.

This is my first marriage, my husband's second. We've been married 6 months. His daugther [15 yrs. old] is staying with us for the summer. She, of course, is HIS princess.

When I arrived home Friday night, I noticed my step-daugher pouting. Which, the majority of time, this is her norm. But since she doesn't share anything with me, I observed and kept quiet. She had dinner with us but still quiet and pouting. For sure something was bothering her.

Without asking, my husband shares with me that she had asked him for her favorite dessert [cheesecake] that morning. Yet, he forgot to buy it for her. When he admited to forgetting and was willing to buy it then [before I arrived home], she refused. Hence her poutiness. Though I kept quiet, since in the past he and I have had lots of major discussions dealing with his daughter, I found it to be a bit childish and spoiled behavior in her part. So, he forgot. But since he can do no wrong to her ... he too was feeling bad and she was making him feel guilty by ignoring him and pouting.

Come Saturday morning. It is customary for us to go the grocery store. I gave him a short shopping list AND REMINDED HIM OF THE "FAVORITE" DESSERT. They returned and I PRESSUMED that the "favorite" dessert was purchased, so I didn't ask further about the cheesecake. I just continued w/my chores.

I had finished cooking. The table was set, in my mind, we were ready to sit down and eat. My husband comes up to me and says, I need to go purchase the "favorite" dessert. I responded NOW .. the table is set. I was ready to leave it at that .. but his mom [we live w/her] commented to me that she wouldn't accept that behavior from him. I guess she pushed the wrong button. I would of left it as that .. but instead I went again and asked 'can't it wait till after dinner?". His response .. NOOOOO!!!!!

Upon their return, a few circumstances brought about a fight between us [due to the cheesecake, dinner]. One of his reactions was "I can't please everyone" .. Needless to say that the dinner that I made with much love was spoiled.

He did not communicate with me [which is at times very customary for him] but did w/his mom, that when they went in the morning to purchase the so famous cheesecake, they have not been prepared yet. IF he would of told me this before or when he announced then that they were going to purchase the cheesecake, I wouldn't have liked it. But I would of understood .. since I knew it was important to him to follow through with this promise to his daughter.

In the past, it isn't customary for us to have dessert right after dinner. In the past, we have had dinner and then gone to the supermarket to purchase a cheesecake for his daughter that asked for it at that moment. Why then was it sooooo urgent to go RIGHT THEN to buy the freaking cheesecake ..??? It isn't as if it was going to finish ..?

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  #2 (permalink)  
Old 08-06-2002, 06:52 PM
momof4's Avatar
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Location: Texas
Posts: 111
Hang in there!

I'm no expert but I do live in a blended family situation. It's definitely challenging at times. Since your stepdaughter is with you for the summer, I assume that you don't see her much during the year. It's possible your dh might be feeling some guilt over not seeing her very often and wants to make this time with his daughter as pleasant as possible. I don't have a teenager yet so I don't really know what typical behavior is. Just remind yourself that this time will end and your life will get back to normal soon!

Being in a blended family can also be very rewarding, too!! I wish you the very best!


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Old 08-07-2002, 09:08 AM
leftfielder's Avatar
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Join Date: Jun 2002
Posts: 7
What to make of this situation

Mom of 4 ,

Thanks for your time and input.

The step daughter is with us this summer. She lives with her custodial parent, her mom. We live in the same town. When the school season resumes, she will be visiting 2 times out of the month.
Hence, we will be seeing her during the year as well.

As for the guilty "dad" .. I've heard this will be a life long guilt.

Since her summer stay began, there have been no encounters like the one that just occured ..

My husband and I have had several discussion on this matter .. the daughter .. and his time with her. Of course, he sees it as a one way street .. he feels obligated and wants to spend time with her during her weekend visits. Yet, in the summer, it is a very different matter. She is with us full time.

This situation, time sharing, etc., is all too new for me. It is a period of adaptation. Which he doesn't seem to understand.

He expects that I should accept this all at once. After our last discussion, I absorbed all that was said from both sides [his and mine]. .I believe that I have tried and am doing my best to adapt. Of course, also to understand his point of view .. and not have for him to deal with yet another situation, an irritable wife.

Though it might of seemed a bit childish in my part, I think that some consideration to the fact that I cooked, set the table and wanting to sit down as a family to enjoy dinner was not much to ask ..

As I mentioned before, dessert is usually not eaten right after dinner at this house. There have been times that dessert.. especially this same type of dessert has been purchased right after dinner.

That the dessert was not available at the time they were @ the supermarket and that during the day, they forgot, is no excuse. I of course, shouldn't be seen as the "evil" one here.Hence, we will be seeing her during the year as well.
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