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Step-Parenting Ask other step-parents your questions about being a step mom.

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Old 11-30-2009, 06:52 AM
karriel's Avatar
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: norhtwest arkansas
Posts: 13
help with blended family

i am so glad i found this forum. i am really about to pull my hair out.
A little history before i got into my question. i am a mother of 4 teenagers (11,13,15, & 17) My kids are by far no angels. we have had lots of problems and have tried lots of options. i am planning on posting on the teengare board too..lol.
I met and married my DH almost 3 years ago. He has a son that is 5 now but was 2 when we met. since the beggining his son would fight with my kids, not all the time but whenever he felt like it. he would say rude things and call names, hit bite, spit..ect. and sometimes he would play with them just like they were all a family. my kids are older and it really suprised me that they would even play with him. (my boys are the 13&15 yr old) his son would even hit me, say horrible things including calling me cuss names, kick, spit bite, even gave me a blac eye twice. at one point i had him on video for 20minutes, kicking spitting yelling and cussing at me.. and he was 3. when he was4 he went to pre-k. he was constantly gettting letters home, about hitting outher kids, being disrespectful to the teachers, breaking toys on purpose, hitting the teachers, and telling them he would get his big gun and shot them in the head and slit their throut... he was 4. since he was in pre-k they made one of my kids sit by him on the bus or he wasnt allowed to ride. he went through each one of the kids until i finally had to take him to school myself. the finaly straw was when he bit my 13 year old so bad he had marks for a week. his answer for it was " cuz i wanted to. my husbands answer" they should have been dealing with him better, they should have been keeping him intertained better" and to my DSS he said" (his name) dont do that" just like you would tell him to go take your coat and put it away.
before he went to school i watched him. he would mind me until his dad got home, and the minute he did. he went right back to being rude or disresectful to me. he has gotten worse.
now i have 4 kids of my own, and yes they fight, and call each outher names, and even hit each outher but they can deal with it. it seems like any time DSS gets into a fight with one of them, its my kids that get in trouble. my kids are alot bigger, and can hurt him, but they havent done that, becuase he is so small.
When the kids are with me i have the same rules for everyone, i treat them all the same. i do not buy one something in front of the outhers, or let them have candy, or pop in front of the others. the only thing i wont do is spank DSS. i told DH in the beginning that i wouldnt want another person spanking my kids, and i would feel funny if i did it to DSS.
Now my kids get into trouble ALOT. we have issues. but i make them have consequences. my Ds15 used to hit me, and now if he tries i will call the police. DSS hit me all the way from the bedroom to the corner i was placing him in. if my kids say disrespectful things to me, they have to write sentences or a pull a consequence from the consequence jar. when they have pulled so many and it still isnt working. i make them run laps up and down our hill (that is a new development from this weekend)when dakota does it the only option i have is to say something to his dad and then it starts a fight where he still doesnt get into trouble. becuase of the trouble last year at school. DH has moved DSS to the school in the town next to ours. he takes him to his moms, and picks him up from there. i know for a fact she has spanked him and has even slapped him for calling her old...HELLO.. he calls me a bitch and i can't do anything about it.
When say something to DH he will either tell DSS 40 times if you do that one more time, or he will eventually go spank him( he was during pre-k taking his video games.. yes the 5 yr old has his own tv video games, and vcr that he has free range on, )but then decided that it wasnt working so he was swatting him. i think he might as well not being doing it at all, he barely swats him and most of the time DSS will start screaming please dad no, and he doesnt.
long story short last year my 2 older ones got sent to their dads house becuase i figured it was in the best interest of the other 3 that lived in our house. they didnt do any better there and i brought them back here. but becuase of that i sat them down and had the house rules, with consequences, i made them intial each one and sign it. one of my rules was tv is off at 10 since thats bedtime. and no cussing or even saying words that are "like " cusswords since DSS will hear them and repeat them. DH wrote down his rules after a fight and told them they could cuss. and that they could watch tv as long as it doesnt interfer with getting up in the morning. when DH & DSS get up in the morning. My DH gets him dressed, and usually carries him out to the truck or sometimes makes him walk the whole while he is bawling like a baby. my kids get up at 5 to het ready for school.
DSS will scream at night for his dad, for eather to turn the tv or get him pop, which he will continu to let him drink all night or he wants another hug. and while my kids are in bed and sleeping at 10 like they are supoosed to he is still up past midnight more often than not. and then he screams through the house and wakes them up.
he will constantly cry all the time when he doesnt get his way and not cry cry but say wahhhh and fake cry, more now when hes 5 then when he was 2.
he talks to his dad in the most disrespectful way, and becuase his dad lets him his dad doesnt see anything wrong with it when he does it to me.
we eat dinner when DH gets home after 6:15. almsot everynight he wont eact becuz he has eaten at grannys house... not real food, but mayo sandwhich or honeybuns, or candy or scooby snacks. and when DH asks him if hes going to eat he first asks what we are having so he can see if its something he wants. my kids have to eat what i make them, they dont get a choice. and more often than not he wont eat what he has on his plate. it ends up with him crying and taking more than an hour to eat, and usually DH letting him get up and go to his room... where he will sit there with his halloween candy bucket and eat candy one after another, drinking pop. i buy the food in the house, and it costs alot to feed 7 people, i dont work i get child support, and it really sucks to see it wasted becuase he wants to throw a fit. sometimes, Dh will make him eat it if he asked for it, and others he wont. when i say something we fight.

I have sat down with DH and told him he needs to be consisitant and not just with his son but with mine to. and it always gets in a fight where he tells me that i just want it my way and since im not im throwing a hissy fit, or he tells me to leave. I am to a point where i really dont know what to do. if i am making my kids have rules becuase they need consistant clear rules,, becuase of their bad behavior and they have to do chores, or clean their room, but he is letting a 5 yr old do whatever he wants . i feel like i would like to pull my hair out. im not going to let my kids get away with it becuase DSS is, but i dont think its right that they have consequences and he doesnt. his dad constantly stops at the store after work and gets DSS pop and candy. which he lets him have in front of my kids. i dont allow mine too do that.

am i just being controlling ? i know it sux to have to be the bad guy to your kids, i have to do it alot. but i want them to grow up with me knowing i did the best i could to prepare them for the real world.
I have said something about going to marriage counciling and he told me we should go becuase it wouldnt help him but it would help me with my issues....

okay im sorry this is so long. it is just nice to get it out... i would LOVE any advice you guys can give me.
thanks
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