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Step-Parenting Ask other step-parents your questions about being a step mom.

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Old 05-29-2008, 04:56 PM
Arden76's Avatar
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Stepmom/Biological Mom Issues

First an introduction

I a biological mother and a sort of step mother. I say sort of because I have a very long term boyfriend whos son from his privious marrage is like my own at this point. Recently I've been facing "layered" family issues. My ex remarried and after more than a year of not seeing our son sued me for custody. I won, he got visitation no big deal right? But now I find myself in a quandry. His new wife who has only been in contact with my son a half dozen times or more is now trying to "play mom" and is being encuraged to do so by my ex. Your probably asking yourself whats the problem? Or god not another crazy jelouse ex wife. (i'm not)

The problem is that this woman has not one bit of intrest in communicating with me. The problem is that my ex is using his phone time with my child as an avenue to put her to basically voice to our child his opinuions about me and to try and undermind our child. He insists that our child calls her mom and encurages her to openly correct my desisions to my child. And quite frankly I feel it is point blank disrespectful.

In a perfect world I would like to be able to work together with this woman and work out a co parenting situation that is respectful and in the best intrest of my son. But she has not once ever even gotten out of the car when they come to pick him up, she's never talked to be short of when we where in court. When we where leaving the court room I even approched her and my ex about getting together with myself and my boyfriend to have dinner and get better aquainted so we could be on good terms for my childs sake. I was compleatly blown off when the offer was posed.

I have tried telling my ex that i feel the behavior is rude and disrespectful and needs to be curbed and he point blank told me that he would not even mention it to his new wife because there was nothing wrong with it and that he in fact encuraged her behavior.

Well not meanings to come accross as trite but "Duuuuh!"

Typically when a marriage breaks up its usally the woman who jumps back into a new marriage and starts telling her kids they have a new "daddy"

Here we have the Man pulling the "lets erase the other parent" game.

I realize I'm in control of the situation. And I realize it may seem like I'm just complaining or being irrashional. But I feel that not only am I being compleatly disrespected by him but it's also detrimental to my son to be exsposed to this kind of "mind game"

(btw- my son is 5)

Does anyone have any advice as to how i can resolve this situation?
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Old 05-30-2008, 03:11 AM
barbszy's Avatar
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Wow, until I got to the end of your post I was expecting that your child was much older.

You're right--it is wrong to do that with any child but with a 5-year-old!!

Is there any way you could have some kind of meeting with a family counselor or clergy person who can help ALL the grownups work this out?

I hope you are able to find a peaceful solution, since this can't be good for your little boy.
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Old 05-30-2008, 05:06 AM
Arden76's Avatar
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Posts: 6
Thanks for the support. Based on alot of what I'm seen on the internet related to step parents I was almost half affraid I would be bashed for being the "complaining bio mom". So it's very nice to have a positive reaction

I don't belive my ex would consider counseling... for two reasons.... One - i belive he has compleatly discuraged his new wife from talking to me for fear of displacing her loyalties... he's exhusted a massive campaign to smear my reputation (unwarentedly) and I'm sure belives if she where to acctually see how open and reasonable I am it would "tarnish" him.... in otherwords he'd be shown for the true manipulator he is... and Two - the courts here require mediation between parents prior to a custody case and he point blank refused to even disscuss any option beyond HIM winning primary custody of our son... which is out and out right rediculous and i think only serves to illistrate how egomanical he is...

I really am not so angry with his new wife beyond the frustration of her prejudment of me based on no fact but simply his badmouthing.... I know it's the typical case for the new woman to align aginst the ex... heck i think it's probably the biggest "bonding sport" there is in situations where couples are from divorced situations... but when you have a young child envolved it is of the upmost emportance to protect that childs intrest... to put aside ego and misgivings and be ADULTS for crying out loud...

I know I'm probably comming accross as this angry crazy mom... but the bottom line is I want the very best for my son.. I work very hard every day. going to work, college, making time to be active in his school and afterschool programs... and to boot a single parent... And it is so incredibly frustrating to me that I have no clue how to fix this situation.... I really really want a solution...

Yesterday afternoon I found a book at the bookstore called "ex-eitquet" ...I'm going to try to find some time to read it over the weekend... maybe it will have some sort of idea for this problem....

maybe not... but I have to do somthing
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