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Step-Parenting Ask other step-parents your questions about being a step mom.

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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 08-20-2006, 07:42 PM
AmandaCher's Avatar
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New Stepmother

Hello all! I just stumbled upon this site in hopes for some biased and influencial insite on being a step mother. My significant other and I have 6 between us but only one lives with us, a 7 year old girl. This daughter that he had w/ a useless Mother that fortunately is not involved,. seems to be very insecure and jealous of me, and has terrible behaviors, such as provocative dancing and sexual inuendos, as well as severe problems in school and reading. When I met him she was wearing make up at 5 years old, had terrible speech and mannerisms and etc... I am starting to, or always have, had a strong dislike toward her, I am having a great deal of difficulty getting close to her at all. Her father is neither disciplinary, nor attentive, and has told me on occasion he did not want or plan to raise her, I feel as if he is disgruntled by the fact the mother has dumped her on him. I don't feel like he does anything positive to influence her livelihood at all, and that I am stuck with this little girl, whom which neither parent wanted in the first place. I am sorry if this message seems offensive or disruptive toward anyone, that is not my intent. I do not know what or how to begin with this little girl. I feel totally alone in the situation.
I would be open to any discussion, or advice.

Last edited by AmandaCher; 08-20-2006 at 08:01 PM.
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Old 08-21-2006, 05:50 AM
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AmandaCher, I moved this thread to the Step-Parenting forum so that it might be seen by more people who have good advice to share.
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Old 08-29-2006, 09:47 AM
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While I cannot really give you any answers, my advice would be to please seek family AND individual counseling for all of you. Let me tell you why first & then how to go about looking for it.

First, this little girl's behavior is not her fault. She doesn't know any better than what she has been taught. If, like you say, her father feels angry and disinterested in this child those are the messages he's sending her and she is responding to. In other words, if someone acted angry and/or disinterested in you for just your being alive you might act out in order to seek attention from or even "punish" the person making you feel so insecure and bad about yourself. It will take some time and a lot of effort from your significant other and yourself to help this child feel loved and vital and important and once all of those things are realized on her part in combination with some good rules and role modeling you will she a change in her. Also, and this is important - you really need to investigate her mimicking of adult like behavior. Why is she acting out so provactively? Has this behavior been modeled for her by an adult in her life? Has she been viewing inappropriate television? Has she experienced some form of abuse? You cannot get the answers to these questions easily. This will also take time and therapy.

Second, your feelings of anger and dislike towards the child really need to be investigated through therapy. Perhaps you are displacing these feelings to the child when they would be more appropriately placed on the father. Again, if he is not really parenting the child and giving her the emotional support she needs it isn't her fault but his. You might be feeling uncomfortable with the role you have taken on creating feelings of resentment that are being directed at the child. Maybe you are feeling jealous of having to share your home, life, etc. with this especially needy child. I can't answer these questions for you, you can only find the answers within yourself when you get help to uncover the real reasoning behind the feelings.

Obviously, my theme throughout has been SEEK COUNSELING. You can find a good therapist through places like your local health dept., the school guidance counselor can also give you some information, or even the United Way can refer you. Counseling can be had for those in all income brackets you just have to do a little work finding something that works for you and your wallet.

One more thing, you referred to the child's father as your significant other and not your husband. If you aren't married you might want to think about whether or not this is the right relationship for you. You aren't doing that child any favors by staying if you are feeling such negative feelings towards her & by taking over the responsibility for raising her you are enabling & reinforcing the father's bad behavior regarding his child.

It was not my intention to offend you or hurt your feelings & I sincerely hope that I haven't. Please seek counseling and perhaps with the committment of both of the adults in this child's life she can realize her worth and value as a person improving your homelife and relationships with both father & child.

If you'd like to chat more PM me and I will give you my email address.

Good Luck!

"Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear."
~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow ~
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Old 08-31-2006, 11:07 AM
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I have to agree with Stacy. This child is screaming out ie acting out for attention. Someone to guide her, love her, and most of all make her feel as though she belongs & is loved. Unless you are seriously ready to commit to this man ie marriage, then you need to back out as fast as possible, as you are not doing the child any favors. She could build an attachment to you, even though she may not show it and bam-just like everyone else she is left alone again. Just because her father has custody, as you put it does not interact with the child. This child will have serious developmental problem. She will be unable to form "normal" relationships as she gets older. Some how she has seen that the sexual side is the only way to get attention-and any child will want/demand attention, good or bad, at least you are paying attention to her. Think seriously hard about what is best for all. As you said, between you & your SO you have 6 children between you and only one lives with you full time? What is up with that-just being nosey I suppose. But how are all the children going to react to this blend. If your serious about making it work, then family therapy is the way to go, and for the little girl, I think a child psychologist could really help her come to terms with the situation around her. For all we know, the reason she portays a more sensual attitidue than that of a child is perhaps she feels that her mother abandoned her (which I gather from what you said did) so she is trying to take her place with her dad, and you are the other woman. I would definately agree with Stacy, therapy if it is to work and be healthy. By the way I too am a step mom, except in our household there are no steps except leading into our home, we are just on large extended family & I know as the short mom as the biological mom is 6' tall )
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Old 08-31-2006, 12:28 PM
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I must agree with both [IMG]image.php3?u=3610&type=profile&dateline=[/IMG] MoMtO3&LuViT and sheilanfl. But I would like to add that if you simply lose your mind because of the girl, she will addopt the role of the bad girl forever, because it is simply easier to think "I was born bad, I am mean, thus nobody loves me, I cant do anything" rather than acting in consequence. I think that what I am going to say its quite harsh, but I must be sincere: do you really love this man who simply ignores this child simply because he didnt want to have her? In my opinion, a son is a son, no matter what, and a man who acts that way is very selfish and inmature. I am really sorry for the poor girl, who knows where she learnt all those things. Maybe you are her only hope for growing up in a healthy way. Search for professional help and dont go crazy whenever she rebels or acts sensual, thats what she seeks. Simply smile, maybe kiss her, and go to do whatever you have to. When she sees that her attitude doesnt have any effect, she will leave it. But be fair, also be with her whenever she behaves good. I hope this will help, but you need professional help. Dont take my words as if i was trying to offend you, I am not an good English speaker. Good luck!

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