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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 06-29-2006, 12:42 PM
violet's Avatar
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Step Daughters that need some discipline!

Well, how should i start....
I am getting married soon, and my fiance has two daughters, 4 & 6 that are going to live with us, they do not know their mum now and do not see her since she is living away. They know me pretty well and consider me a close aunt. We go out and do fun things together often and they seem to have reacted to me much better than their aunts who have helped raise them at my fiance's parent's house where he has been living after his divorce. The girls accept being disciplined by me but overall they are quite difficult. the 6 year old seems to have a lot of hidden questions and is rather moody. She can be stubborn and not accept any comments, good or bad from anyone at times. She can also get somewhat agressive which seems to have resulted from her current style of raising which i do not completely agree with. the younger one is rather active and does not stop jumping around and doesn't have a sense of when we are actually angry or when we are joking around. you would be very angry with her and she would stare back at you with a smirk. Can a proper organized lifestyle solve that, or are these issues i might have to live with always. I do know that the girls lack their own lifestyles now and their own privacy and that is sure one thing i will handle much better when they are in my home. The father is extremely cooperative but i am sure he will have a big load on me and he is already depending on that, but sometimes i actually worry about being the harsher or the parent in the equation. any advice?
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Old 07-03-2006, 08:27 PM
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Location: Greensburg, PA
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Now is the time to have any and all discussions about discipline and punishments.
Explain to him that you need to be equal in both areas.
Set some rules with the girls and stick to them.
It sounds like they are behaving as they should at that age. My 4 year old can't sit still, she is always on the go.
As for the 6 year old, answer any questions as honestly as you can. She may be afraid that you are going to leave her like her mother did.

Welcome to Family Corner. Go over to the introduce yourself thread and do just that.

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  #3 (permalink)  
Old 07-04-2006, 06:07 AM
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I agree with Coll ... it will be important to lay down some ground rules and you definitely need to spend time first with your fiance discussing these issues before you marry and he and the girls move in with you. Seeing a marriage counselor may be a good idea too.

Good luck!
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Old 07-07-2006, 04:14 AM
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I totally agree. Rules are very important and so is "positive discipline". Maybe you all can sit down as a family and discuss the rules with the girls..let them help with the setting of the rules to an extent. They will be less likely to break rules that they help set and it gives them a sense of respect and involvement. However, it's extremely important that you and your fiance agree with the terms and equally important that they are enforced. Best of luck!!
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Old 07-10-2006, 06:05 AM
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The above is the best advice. Get all the discipline decisions worked out before you get married or it could be a death blow to the marriage before it starts.

As long as there is a chance that their mother can come back you also need an alternate plan should dhe reappear.

Dr Phil's 'Family First' book is an excellent resource for you and your fiance to go through completely BEFORE the wedding. Do NOT get married w/o have a complete plan in place...and start working the plan now.
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Old 07-10-2006, 07:17 AM
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I really like watching the Super Nanny when she is on. What an eye opening show that is most of those kids have had no discipline before she steps in and sets ground rules to follow and what happens when you don't behave. I love it when she blasts the parents for not parenting.

I agree to have a discussion with your fiancé to set some acceptable behavior ground rules and what the consequences are for not behaving. Then have a discussion with the girls as well so they know what to expect when you all live together.

At 4 & 6 they are at an age to start helping out around the house. Setting table, putting dirty clothes in the hamper, clean clothes in their correct drawers, picking up their own toys and putting them away, etc..

A goal chart might help with in a positive manner get a sticker when you don't have to be told to put your things away. So many stickers in a week/month and you get.... so they have short term and long term rewards for behaving and helping out around the house.

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Old 07-15-2006, 01:15 PM
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Thumbs up Step daughters need some discipline.....

I have been EXACTLY where you are going (My now-ex had 2 girls, ages 7 and 5 when we married, but then we added 3 more kids to the mix) You need to know right from the get-go that blood is thicker than a marriage license. You will have no control. Your fiance is the girls' father. It is his job to be disciplinarian, not yours. You just can't do it. You can expect to be respected just as a teacher, friend or any other adult deserves. You can expect them to respect your space, your belongings, your time with their father (this is HIS balancing act), but you can't make them clean their room, do their homework, etc. That direction is dad's job.
By all means take family counseling BEFORE you marry, so that everyone knows his/her place. More than 70% of second marriages end in divorce. Save yourself sooooo much heartache. GO TO COUNSELING!!!
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Old 07-15-2006, 03:12 PM
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Pick what you are going to have the energy and know how to enforce and what you will waffle on. There will be days when all you have the energy for is the stuff that is really important to you. If you try to do it all everyone will end up miserable.

Giving choices helps alleviate a lot of battles. Have your choices in mind when you want them to do something.

4 year olds think they are all powerful. I think she will try your authority because she wants to know she is NOT REALLY in control. She may think she caused the divorce.

The 6 year old will want to please. You may not see it but most people do want to be good. Try and find the goodness in both of them when they are being 'bad' and focus on the good things they do.
Ellen in PA

"God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of love, power, and a sound mind."

Last edited by ellenmelon; 07-15-2006 at 03:15 PM.
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  #9 (permalink)  
Old 07-27-2006, 01:33 PM
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Thanks a million for the excellent advice, sure gave me a better insight into how to get into this the best way possible. afterall, it is the good of the girls and my entire family that i have in mind at all times and i sure will give them all the attention and care that they need and i believe in my heart that this will be the thing that will make a difference. i am working on my discipline and child raising techniques and knowledge. sure Dr. Phil's show has been helpful and more so super nanny.
Again thanks for the support, it does make all the difference in the world!!
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