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Step-Parenting Ask other step-parents your questions about being a step mom.

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Old 12-16-2005, 11:48 AM
kbd_11's Avatar
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 3
Dealing with an older soon to be step-daughter

I'm new to this website/forum, so bare with me! I am 24 years old. I met and fell in love with a 40 year old male. Recently I was engaged and will be married April 28th. The man I'm going to marry has 3 kids from a former marriage. Their ages are 9,10, and 18. The oldest, is a female. Yes I know...this is probably the craziest thing to put myself in but I love the man. I have a great great great relationship with the two younger children but have been struggling with the oldest. I knew that our relationship wouldn't be so easy. Recently my fiance was asked by his ex-wife to come over and help put up the "kids" Christmas tree at her house. He told her absolutely not. She started to cry and then hung up the phone. He then called his daughter to find out if she and her boyfriend could help. THe oldest daughter INSTANTLY accused me of being the big bad evil one when in all honestly, I was clueless as to what he was asked to do until after the two conversations (between his ex and his daughter). Now I am hurt, upset, and disappointed that our "relationship" is going NOWHERE. I am not an evil person and I don't know what to do. I asked the daughter to be a part of the wedding as a bridesmaid and she accepted. Why accept an honor when you feel like the person marrying your father is such a bad person? Does anyone have any advice as to how to take this? Should I flat out ask her if she wants to be apart of our special day, ask her why she thinks I'm this person she has thought of, or leave it to her father to talk with her? I'm feel I'm at a loss.
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Old 12-18-2005, 09:53 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 16,010
First, welcome to FC!

Realize that the relationship between a father and daughter is usually a special one. Even in the best case senarios, there can be competition between a biological mother and daughter. You aren't even the biological mother, so you can definately expect to be the competition. It isn't personal. Also, you are very close to her age, which will also complicate things.

Keep in mind that children, no matter how old they become, want the relationship bwtween their parents to work out, even if it is over.

As far as your future step-daughter, I would not say anything. She agreed to stand in your wedding party. Leave it at that unless she comes to you and asks to be excluded. Think of it as she is the child in this deal and let her act as she is and let your fiance handle it. Remember that this is his ex-wife and his children. If you try to handle it, no matter how well the intentions are, you will come across as the outsider who is interferring.

I know you didn't ask, but if your fiance is divorced, then why does he have to come help with the tree at the ex's house? I know that you said something about the children's Christmas tree. I find it odd that his ex wants him to help her with the tree. That's a job for a husband. Have you thought about talking to your fiance and tell him that you have no problem with him buying a Christmas tree for the children or something like that, but that he really shouldn't continue his duties as a husnband? jmo

Remember that the problems you see now are only a tip of the iceburg that you will experience after you are married. Only you can decide what you are willing to go through. Have you thought about premarrital counselling? What ever you decide and however things work out, I wish you well.
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Old 12-18-2005, 12:44 PM
boggsZ's Avatar
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Location: WV
Posts: 4,525
I married a man with 3 kids 12 years ago 1 girl and 2 boys 12, 14 and 16 when we got married thay all tried there best to get rid of me but when thay figured out I was tougher thay I looked thay exceped me and all is fine i was lucky my husband didnt let then run over me thay lived with us all the time there mother didnt have anything to do with them tell about a year after dh and i got married i wish you luck hang iin there things will work out if the love is strong enough and you sound like it is

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Old 12-19-2005, 12:15 PM
Lisa Berry's Avatar
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Location: wyoming de
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You need to really think this thru which you feel you have but......I'm 13 yrs younger than my DH and we've been together 15 yr. We have 5 kids between us (25,21,16,15,6)and we still have issues today. You need to have the attitude "It's US against them" sometimes which is harder to do than you think.I'm stronger than most emotionally but it has been torture sometimes with his EX- even now with 2 grown boys. Your guy refused to help which sent the clear message (I think) so hang in there if you really love him but always be ready. Hope I didn't depress you but I've been there
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Old 12-21-2005, 10:58 PM
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: central California
Posts: 671
I was 12 yrs old when I got my step-dad and I was very hard on him. I let him know he was not my dad and would never be my dad.

*Luckily he saw my fear* and decided to be a dear friend. He was there when ever I needed someone to talk to about a problem and he loved me. I am so grateful that my mom brought him into my life, but it was hard the first year.

Let your husband be the parent and you can be the friend. Decide together what the rules will be and never let them divide you. If there is a problem discuss it away from the children so they will see you both standing together in agreement.

Never, never, never, say anything bad about their mother or their father, you will hurt the children and it could take years to repair the damage.

Find fun things to do with them and be ready to listen when they need to talk. Kids are just like grown ups, they want to be loved and accepted for who they are.

Love & Prayers,
May God give you for every storm, a rainbow, for every tear, a smile, for every care, a promise, and blessing in each trial, for every problem life sends, a faithful friend to share, for every sigh, a sweet song, and an answer for each prayer.
~An Irish Blessing
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Old 12-22-2005, 08:45 AM
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Location: In a home I love on a quiet st:)
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You are sooooo right Linda. I "inherited" my step son when he was nearly 18. Thank God we never had any "words" and today we are very close and he has given me 2 precious grand daughters Lauren and Rachel 7 & 2. David's mom passed away in 83 and she will always be his Mother but I am Mom. He has been a good son and I love him dearly. Things like this take time sometimes. Good luck and God bless
I will take what I am served knowing someone out there is being served MUCH less
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