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Step-Parenting Ask other step-parents your questions about being a step mom.

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Old 11-21-2005, 10:38 PM
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Tired, Confused and Just need to vent!

SD come home from vistation with her mother Sunday. She wouldn't speak to us all night or today until her mother called her. SD is 17 years old. We have been having a lot of dicpline problems such as lying, sneaking around refusing to clean up after herself. Simple things like putting her dirty clothes in the laundry. Her Dad went from night shift to day shift 2 months ago so he could be home and help take care of her. Needless to say things have really hit the fan. Used to be Dad wasn't around at night to see her disrespect me and her brother and sister and not cleaning up after herself. Used to be I would let him know what was going on and he would confront her and she would lie and say she was doing her chores and I was picking on her. Now he is home at night I just leave her mess and let her disrespect me in front of him and he has put his foot down and will not tolerate any of the lying, sneaking around and so forth and ended up grounded for a couple weeks. She had a big fit at her mothers house during the weekend for visitation and told her mother that it was all my fault. I have had problems her blaming me for everything that she don't get her way in the past so I disengaged for the situation on let her Dad fully and completely take care of her since he went to day shift. She has to ask him for everything. I won't take her anywhere or nothing. Its not because my husband doesn't support me he wasn't home at nights to see the things that went on and when he was home he would correct and set the ground rules and dicipline her. Now he is home at night he has taken even bigger charge of taking care of her. And she disrespects him just as much as she did me now.

She informed us tonight she was moving back with her mother soon as possible. Unfornutaly she is willing to drop out of school to move back with her mother. When we got her she had straight F's in school and 16 years old being in the 9th grade. School told us to take her down get her GED because she was to old to be a 9th grader. But with some push and looking we found a special program in her school that will allow her to advance ahead of the other kids so she can graduate. The programs credits are none transferable to another school. She is almost 18 now not even finish with her core classes for a sophmore yet. Where her mother lives they don't have this program. But she is willing to throw it all way to go back to her mothers. We even paid for summer school for 2 years in a row to help her advance to be able to graduate. Now she is happy with dropping out and getting a GED and her mother is fine with this. She coming tomorrow to get her. Her mother is working on her 6th marriage.

I feel like a failure at this point. Maybe I should have left with the children me and my husband have together maybe that way the child would at least have a education. She has always wanted this. Me and hubby been married almost 11 years now.

Hubby is so upset he don't know which direction to go. He just don't want me and our children we have together leaving.

I just can't believe a child's mother knowing only way she can graduate school in this special program is ok with her child quiting school and using the fact the father is trying to dicpline the child to there advantage to have to child go home to them. Even knowing child will never have a education. Mind boggling to me.

Thanks for letting me vent.
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Old 11-26-2005, 12:44 PM
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First, I want to welcome you to FC lovingsk.

I cannot relate to having a step-child, but I can understand what it is like to have a teenage DD. I have to tell you that it is normal for them to rebel and demad their independance. My DD arguend with me about everything. When my DH, her father, was transferred to NM from TX, she told me that she could live on her own and that I needed to move with daddy. Well, she was 17 and in the middle of her senior year. I told her that it was my job to feed her, clothe her, and make sure she finishes school and I would not leave until she graduates. I promised at when she graduates I would give her her freedom.

She told me all kinds of horrible stuff. She said that as soon as she graduates, she would disown me and I would never see or hear from her again. I told her that I loved her very much. I also told her that the door to the house would always be open and we would always be there for her.

She is 23 now and she has given me 2 beautiful grandkids. She calls me all the time to talk or get advice.

Hang in there during the tough times. She really does need to know that you love her enough not to let her quit school or to move out. I know it is tough. You may need to rely on friends to talk to during this tough time. It will be well worth it.

Good luck!
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Old 11-28-2005, 01:43 PM
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Well SD moved back to her mothers. Nothing we could say would change her mind. Her counselors at school even tried talking to her. Her mother come got her soon as she could before the child changed her mind. There was really nothing we could do. Her mother gave hubby custody year and a half ago but it never went to court. We tried having her mom served the divorce modifaction for a year and a half but her mother kept moving to avoid. So really her mother still had legal custody of her even thou we have a notized custody paper that was done by a lawyer and she signed. Court won't look at it unless it is signed by judge too.

No one not even the counselors could get a straight answer out of her of why she was willing to go back to the mess. She would say one thing then controdict herself with something else.

Her mother is a high school drop out too. Education doesn't matter to her. Rate now there trying to enroll her in school because the state she lives in requires kids to go to school till there 18 unless a parent signs for them. And hubby will throw a fit if she just lets her quit like that.

But SD will be 18 after first of the year and she is only a sophmore in high school. We had her in a special accelerated school program here at the high school that she would have been able to graduate shortly after she 18. But where she at now they don't have that. She is in a regular class setting. All we can do is wish her well let her now we love her and let her learn from her mistakes at this point.
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Old 11-28-2005, 05:44 PM
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I'm sorry that it didn't work out for you. Have you thought about going to family therapy or even individual therapy? Sometimes it is difficult to know what to do when you are emotional right smack in the middle of the situation. If you are ever in a situation with a teen again, you may want to find some ideas so that you can be in charge in a loving way.


Also, have you tried checking around some of the other threads? FC has some great places to go not only for prayers, but to share ideas, menus, and other great things.


I wish you well with your family.
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Last edited by DeBora4BobbyL; 11-28-2005 at 06:12 PM.
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Old 11-30-2005, 06:09 AM
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I think DeBora had a great idea about some therapy. Even a group dealing with similar issues helps you to realize you are not alone. I am not trying to sound mean but some children just have to learn the hard way. My middle dd was like that. She put herself in some bad spots & made some really bad choices for a while before the light finally went off & she got help. She is now a VERY responsible adult. So hang in there but don't let the disrespect become norm again. It is a bad example for the younger kids.
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Old 11-30-2005, 01:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovingsk
I feel like a failure at this point. Maybe I should have left with the children me and my husband have together maybe that way the child would at least have a education. She has always wanted this. Me and hubby been married almost 11 years now.

Hubby is so upset he don't know which direction to go. He just don't want me and our children we have together leaving.

I just can't believe a child's mother knowing only way she can graduate school in this special program is ok with her child quiting school and using the fact the father is trying to dicpline the child to there advantage to have to child go home to them. Even knowing child will never have a education. Mind boggling to me.

Thanks for letting me vent.
lovingsk.....Children from broken homes rebel in different ways. Why would you give up your marriage and ruin your own children lives? Does your DH have any other children from this marriage? I am sure her Mother does love her otherwise she would not go back to live with her. She does not have the pressure of staying in school knowing she does not fit in at her age. I have seen many drop out of school with a GED and become successful business owners later on. Everyone has different ideas what their life should be. If her mother has been able to marry six times she must have some good points too.

After 11 years I would not let her disrupt your marriage
where you would want to leave your Dh let her go. As long as she has no health problems she will be alright. Take care of yourself & Dh before you both become sick. Let her know the door is always open for her to visit. Enjoy your Holiday and your family.
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Old 12-05-2005, 02:05 PM
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Update: SD has called several times since moving back to her mothers complaining about her mother and other stuff. How she is lonely there too.

She told her Dad he had to spent every night on the phone with her after he got home from work. She didn't want him going anywhere or doing anything. Well that went over real big. Her Dad told her he couldn't do that there was stuff around here that had to be done but he would call a couple times a week and talk to her. She got really mad and hasn't called since.

Hubby called a few of SD friends here to see if they knew why she went back and come to find out she had been planning this for awhile. What she told her friends is she went back because her Dad wouldn't throw me and the little ones out and divorce me (her mother has told her for years the little ones wasn't her Dad's kids) and Dad wasn't giving her what she wanted. I know SD mother has always blamed me for there divorce and always told the kids it was my fault. But I didn't even know my hubby then and I lived in another state. I had nothing to do with it. I didn't meet hubby until they had been divorced for 2 years. I know its hard to change a childs mind once they been told that because hubby's ex walked out on him when the kids was 2 and 4. Thats alot of years hearing that this person did this. The big thing and we have the proof and documentation to. Hubby's ex married another man 6 months before there divorce was even final. Hubby doesn't do anything about because of the kids.

Far as counseling we been in counseling for a year and half. Counselor just released us from it a month ago.

Yes there is another child from that marriage. The boy is 15 almost 16. He would love to live with his Dad. But he is scared to death of what his mother would do to his Dad and him if he did. He was wanting to come spend the summer with us but SD threw a fit and his mother refused to let him come up. She said hubby couldn't have the kids together at the same time. Yes she is very jealous of her own brother. To the point she says her brother isn't Dad's.

Far as her mother I am sure she loves the kids in her own way. I just don't see how someone can tell there kids they are trash and a traitor until they come back to live with them. Hubby's ex repeatedly told SD this on the phone over the year and half we had her and we have it taped. Her mother wouldn't even buy her birthday or christmas presents long as she was living with Dad. So I can understand why she went back. To try and gain her mothers approval again. I know there was several visitation where SD come home and said her mother wouldn't even talk to her just give her dirty looks and call her trash and a traitor. There mother is very emotional abusive to the kids. She has threaten to put them in girls home or a boys home if they didn't say what she wanted them to say in court. She has threatened to hurt there Dad. To put him in jail if they didn't do what she wanted. The sad thing is its all over money. Childsupport the money she can collect. Hubby pays faithfully and she won't even buy them new cloths. She doesn't spend it on the kids for there needs.

Anyways when hubby took SD to meet with her mother so she could go back. Hubby's ex promised him he could have the kids for christmas. SD called couple days after she got down there trying arrange to come up for Christmas and her mother told her no. She wasn't traveling the holidays. So the fun has begun again of the ex refusing vistation. Her mother is also trying to convince the kids to letting her new husband adopt them. And there mother is forcing them to call him dad and there not allowed to call there dad....dad. They have to call him by his name.

All the games and the fun are starting again.
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Old 12-06-2005, 01:48 AM
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I am so sorry about how things have been.

It sounds to me like, on top of being in those terrible teens, the SD is also having to deal with what is true and what is not in what her mother tells her. It is exstremely difficult accepting a new step mother, even in the best of circumstances, without a parent telling the child things to create a divorce or hated in her children. I personally think that dealing with manipulative people to be the worst of experiences. Unfortunately, you have one in your family. Bless your heart.

It sounds to me like you have done all you can do to get help from a professional. It doesn't sound to me like there is anything that you can do for the SD--at least not at this point.

Am I understanding it correctly that the youngest child you DH has with this woman, who is the mother of the SD, is the 15 yr old son? Unless he is somehow responsibly bound by law to these teens after the age of 18, maybe he'll be less tied to the ex. Anyway, it is a thought that may be nice to think about for you; kind of like a countdown. LOL

I would like to ask you a question if you don't mind. Don't answer it if you do not want to. I am a psychology major wanting to go into clinical research someday. Anyway, when you went into therapy, was it just you, you and your DH, or you and other members of your family? Was the SD involved? How about the ex? Do you think it helped you are do you think it was a waste and did you have a choice of therapists and/or therapy types?

I know I may not be telling you anything that you don't already know, but if you are like me, you probably forget me, you may need to be reminded to treat yourself to some pampering from time to time. I personally try to get some take-out at a nice restaurant or even go out to eat, have a girls night out like a pajama party (they are more fun when you are older), a comedy or love story or any movie with some popcorn or hot tea, or anything that is fun and or comforting to you.

This is a stressful week for me as it is finals week. I have never been in so much stress in my whole life (I always say that though. LOL). I am thinking about either tonight or tomorrow night treating myself to Red Lobster as a reward. If I don't have enough money, there are other things that I can do.

I will continue to wish the best for you. Please know that we are always here for you. Have you checked out the other forums here at FC? There are games, recipes sharing as well as meal sharing, and all kinds of things. You may find you have some sisters here that you can connect to well.

Good Luck!
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Old 12-06-2005, 06:43 AM
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When we got SD we automatically put her into counseling. Hubby has good insurance. Hubby would go with SD everytime and if there was a issue with me they would call me in for a session. SD's mother is Bipolar. She refuses to admit it and hides it very well from everyone. But both the kids have admit she is and she was diagnosed with it when she was married to hubby. She refuses to take her medication most the time. SD's mother refused to go to counseling. She called the counselor several times throughing a fit demanding SD not go to counseling. Counselor evaulated her on the phone as best as she could and wrote a letter to the courts from what she had learned about her on the phone and from what SD said that her SD's mother was very unstable and SD should not be placed back in her home. There had been some mentions of SD's mother hitting her and throwing things at her and stuff if SD mention her Dad or wanting to go see him in the past. There was also mention of one SD's mothers hubands touching her inapproperiately. There was a investigation by Human Services for the inapproperiate touching and SD's mother was still married to this man at the time but they couldn't find no physical evidence but Human Services did say there was something wrong in family and demand her mother for visitation had a bedroom with a lock on the door and SD was not to be left alone at anytime. The guy divorced SD's mother soon after that. He didn't like to be put under the spot light. SD's mother soon remarried within 6 months of the divorce. SD's mother still don't believe that this guy inappropietly touch her daughter and refuses any kind of counseling.

SD's mother has 5 children by 3 different men and is trying to get pregnant again by her 6th husband. There are 2 kids over 20 and then my hubby 2 kids, 15, and 17 and then there is a 6 year old. I been counting down the days till there 18 for long time hoping they be free then to love there Dad. I don't know that they will ever be free to do there own thing. Now the kids are old enough to learn to drive there mother refuses to help them learn to drive or get the licenses or anything. Its like she is trying to prevent them from going to live with there Dad or seeing him when there 18. One of the oldest children still lives at home. That child is over 20 and his mother refuses to help him get a drivers license but demands he works and pay her rent.

As hubby puts it he loves his kids no matter what but he is not going buy there love, bribe them or force them to come see him or call him. There old enough and have enough stress from there mother threatening them. He just preys that when they turn 18 they have the freedom to be able to be part of his life to without there mothers interference.

SD is to old to tell her no she can't go back to her mothers. That just make it worse. And I know deep down in my heart this child has to see and here for herself the awful stuff and learn the truth about things. And I really believe SD went back now after lot of thought not because of the things she told everyone but because her mother made her believe she hated her unless she come back but Dad on the other hand will always love her and accept her no matter where she lives. And SD and SS both know that. Dad may be disapointed about schooling but he will still love her anyways as with her mother she was a traitor and trash for being with her father.

Far as counseling for me and DH together. After being married for so long we have learned to communicate and compromise together. We haven't had a fight in years. Our marriage has grown together instead of apart thru the years. We get irriated with each other at times but have learned to let it go and then talk when we are both calm. We don't fight about dicpline the kids were both on the same page. If not we talk about it. We don't fight about finances. We discuss them. If he wants something and I do too but there's not enough money for both we compromise. We get what we can one pay day and the other will wait till the next pay day. DH is really my best friend as well as a husband. We take one day a week and he will go with me and do grocery shopping and pay the bills and then he takes me out to lunch. Just the 2 of us.

I wish you luck with your finals. I already done been thru the college thing and have a degree myself. Takes a lot of work and effort.

I wish to also thank everyone for there responses. It give me somethings to think about. I just wish I could help SD and SS more.
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Old 12-09-2005, 10:15 AM
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Sounds like you two have done everything that you could. It also sounds like the ex has some major problems that your DH never saw when he met her. I wish you well in the future.
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