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Step-Parenting Ask other step-parents your questions about being a step mom.

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Old 07-26-2005, 04:50 PM
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Question Desperate For Advice on Becoming a Step-Mom

I know this is gonna sound crazy..but I need some advice on becoming a
step-mom and how to relate to my stepdaughters and how not to resent them...please help.
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Old 07-26-2005, 07:00 PM
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Welcome to Family Corner!!

If I can ask, how old are you and the girls?

When I first met my stepkids, I made it clear that I wasnt going to try to take over their mothers place in their lives. I also told them that I would love to get to know them ---and I tried very hard. We got along great until their mother refused to let them have contact with us anymore.

Maybe I can still give you some help. Are the girls living with you or is it shared custody?


Tami
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Old 07-26-2005, 09:40 PM
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Are you married yet?

Why do you feel like you might resent the girls?

I used to be a step-mom.........it's not an easy road at first but
the work you put into it will be well invested!
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Old 07-29-2005, 10:16 AM
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jennie....

I'm not known for beating around the bush, and I am very blunt so don't take this as an affront.... It sounds you are already resenting these girls... please be very very sure before you jump into this relationship with their dad... get to really know them and as ajrsmom said, make it perfectly clear that you are not replacing their mom.

If you plan to continue with this relationship make sure your new significant other KNOWS full well that YOU are not the disciplinarian for these girls...HE is. They will always be HIS kids and they will always be there in his life. Make sure you can deal with that....and remember, the mother of these children, will probably not like your presence and interference. I again want to say I am not being harsh, it's the way it is...

Sometimes, you are not accepted by step children no matter how hard you try. If you think you can handle with worst case scenario, that is that they will act up and give you a constant hard time, and that you can maintain a calm attitude, then you might make a go of this relationship. I'm not being harsh hon, I'm telling you what the reality of it is. Some extended relationships go pretty smooth, ...most do not. Think it over long and hard....
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Old 07-29-2005, 11:11 AM
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Step parent

Dear Jenni,

I can't say I have been a step parent myself, but, in my marriage with my late husband he became a step dad. It was difficult for him at the start because of me. I didn't want him telling my kids what to do or disciplining them, I always interferred with that. even though he adopted them and loved them, I made a big mistake in interferring with his role as a father. It is very hard to correct in a childs life when you start out family life by saying Her Kids or His Kids instead of Our Kids. Kids want to belong and when you get married, you are not just marrying that man or that woman, but the whole family. Kids need to understand that you are a part of this new family and that they need to respect and listen to you as well as thier natural parent, and the natural parent needs to make sure the kids understand this as well. No one says you can completely replace the mother or father that is not there anymore, but, the truth of the matter is if you marry this man who has kids you will impact thier lives, whether it is for good or bad. You won't be on the sidelines waiting for the husband to take care of an issue, most likely it will be up to you. It's alright to be friends with the kids, but, they also need a stepmom who cares enough to be involved in all aspects of thier lives.

In my recent new marriage we made sure with God's help to do things differently. Even though my kids were adults by then, probably 18 and 20 and still lived at home, they still had to respect and listen to thier new step dad. Things were mighty rough for awhile, but, I stood beside my husband with the rules he laid down for the household. My kids may not have liked a new set of rules, but, my new husband was and is in charge of the family, a job given to all men if they heed God's directives. I am sure that eventually they will appreciate that my husband took a stand and helped them to see that it was his job to direct the family.

I hope this is of some help to you in you efforts to figure out about being a step parent.

Your Friend,
Dawn (mom)
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Old 07-29-2005, 01:05 PM
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I became a Step Mom to David just after he turned 18. But had been in his life for a year and half before that. His Dad told him when we first got together that he was to respect me and do as I asked him. David's Mom had passed away in '83 and this was late '85 and mid '87 when we married. David and I had no probs thank God and to this day we are a loving mom and son. And he has given me my 2 youngest grands Lauren 6 and Rachel 2. He never refers to me as his step mom (not that I would mind) but always introduces me as Mom. Do I sound like I love and admire him you betcha I do.

Hubby also became Step Dad to my 4 bio children. They loved and respected him till God called him home 8 yrs and 3 months to the day after we married and they still miss him. So do all the grands.

Good luck and I pray there is no resentment on any side. God bless
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Old 07-31-2005, 12:11 PM
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I am not a step-mom either, but I have several friends who are. I totally agree with Jeannie, the discipline is not yours. I think that you need to talk to DH about the ground rules on that subject. Tell him that they are his children and he needs to protect you by taking care of their discipline needs. That way you shouldn't resent them if he is doing his job, so to speak. That will free you up to enjoy them unless there are problems with the mother.
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Old 08-24-2005, 07:31 PM
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Been there, doing that....

I have had the privledge of being a step-daughter and now a step-mom. I endured a bunch of crap growing up...so I thought...until I became a step-mom.

When my now husband and I moved in together, I stressed about being a step-mom and along with some other issues, I found a great family therapist and a great book to read called "The Idiot's Guide to Step-parenting." My main stress was that I didn't want to be like my step mom. I didn't want my step-son growing up resenting me.

But looking back now on my childhood and living with my step-mom and dad, it wasn't so bad. She treated all of us equally. Of course, she was a little harder on her own daughter, but she loved us all and made sure that everyone treated us all fairly. So, not only are you looking to battle your own issues, you are also going to have to worry how each of your parents are going to react. It's always going to have to be fair and equal. Treat your own kids the same as you would your own.

I don't agree that the birth parent is the one to lay down the law. What if he's not home? You have to became instant parent...of your home. You just reiterate that you are not taking their mom's place, but just want to be someone special in their life because they ARE in yours. But that YOU are the MOM of this home. There will always be decisions, like how the kid cuts their hair, that should be left to the birth parents, but as a NEW FAMILY now there will be decisions you and your husband make together. He also has to respect that and listen to any concerns that you may have. EVERYONE has to keep an open mind, remember that they are adults and are ALWAYS doing what is in the best interest of their child!

Good luck to you...

It's very challenging at first, but remember, you are the adult here and regardless of how much resentment or tiny ounce of jealousy you might have, its normal and you will overcome it. Always be the first to break the ice. But, don't over do it. It WILL get easier and then one day...they will come up to you and give you that first hug...on their own...and then you will know you are going in the right direction! I remember my first hug...it was awesome! My husband and I have been married two months now, but been together three years. We lived together a year and half before getting married however, so there was a lot of adjustments...but patience, love and understanding will make it all good!
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Old 02-18-2015, 10:17 AM
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Age, IMO, plays a big factor as to how a step-mom conducts herself from day-to-day.

For instance, if the kids are older, then I can see the father having more say and order in their lives, but if the kids are younger, much younger as in toddlers, then I would expect to be granted unrestricted control over them, discipline included, particularly if I were to be at home with them daily.

I think such a situation would be made much easier if pre-existing children were present, because a common ground as to the way things would be done could be established from the get-go. This is how I do things, and the same will be extended to your children, type of thing.
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