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Step-Parenting Ask other step-parents your questions about being a step mom.

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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 06-13-2004, 11:31 AM
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Question need some advice

i am recently engaged...and i just found out some information about my DF that i wish i had known has now left me confused and hurt...true i'm not the healthiest...i have a heart problem and true there is a chance after being in a highly abusive relationship that i can't have kids...but none the less i wanted to try...about a week ago my DF told me that he had a vasectomy after his son was born...his family talked him into it thinking he couldnt handle another kid...but i want someone so desperatley...i don't know much about adoption or if his family and my family would love the kid as much as they love their blood...i guess the fear stems from the way my step fathers family treated me...i met his baby boy for the first time yesterday...and it ripped my heart out...he said that he would get a reversal but as for anything else i don't know how well that well work...i guess i'm just being overly jealous due to the fact that i want to have his kids and it bothers me that i may never have the his baby's mother and him were never married...i don't know what i should do...i totally love him and can't picture being w/o him...but i don't know how to deal w/the step child thing...the jealousy that i'm feeling...or the fact that i well never have kids w/him even though his ex did...ok well i hope someone can help me out...
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Old 06-13-2004, 12:03 PM
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Why wasn't he more open sooner about the fact that he'd had the surgery?

Of course you have all of these mixed up emotions right now. You've had so much "thrown" at you in such a very short time.

Does he get along with his ex? Does he see his son very often? How old is his son??

Would it be possible for you and your fiancee to spend soe one-on-one time with the child without the mother there? That way, you could get to know the child better. Maybe then, you wouldn't feel the jealousy toward the child.

I do strongly urge you to get all of this worked out BEFORE the wedding.

I was a step-mother in my first marriage. There were still issues between myself and my step-son at the time of the wedding. Therefore, we started our marriage off on rocky ground. That made the first year of our marriage even more difficult. Thankfully, my step-son and I eventually became very close before his father (my DH) passed away.
Hook 'Em Horns!!!!
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Old 06-13-2004, 12:24 PM
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he hates his ex...hardly even talks to her...i didn't know the details about the conception until last...i guess they had broken up...shortly after that she got off birth control for some stupid reason...they were both caught up in the moment...9 months later out came victor...

he actually only sees his son every saturday...i think it's quite sad...

him n i can spend time alone w/the son (only 2yrs old) if it weren't for his family always up my DF's butt...which is totally annoying...

and the jealousy is i want a baby...i want his baby...and someone he hates more than he hates the devil himself is the one that has it...i don't know much about vasectomy or how much of a possibility him and i would have if he had it family doesn't think i could carry a baby w/o either having a miscarriage or myself be in serious much has been thrown at me b4 my wedding...

here's a pic of my DF and his son...
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Old 06-13-2004, 03:37 PM
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Rose... I found you finally...
if you can't have a child because you could miscarry or be in harm due to the pg. then this could be good he cannot have a child.
I know that not what you want to hear.

GOD does things that we cannot always understand, but it for our best.

I was a step child, and my dad treated me with more love than what my real dad can... if this woman is this bad, then he needs loving mom and it sounds like you could be that... after you get over the jealous...
honey that jealous can hurt not only you, but put a wedge between you and your future husband that can be a lasting effect.
is it worth it? I don't think it is..

Be thankful there is a child you can love, and enjoy....
could there ever be a chance that later your future dh could adopt his little boy?
that could be hard due to the little boy's mom...
but who knows....

Many kids don't see thier parents that are divorce except on every other weekend.. which makes it hard on the child and on the parent.
My kids saw thier dad every other weekend, and boy I was so glad it wasn't more often...for they had to sets of rules, and it was hard to break those rules of what they lived with when they went to see thier dad. He allow them to get away with everything.
another matter. sorry for going there.

I've have heard you can reverse vasectomy, again you got to think about your health if this happen.

YOU can fall in love with his son and get over the jealous. but it needs to be worked on before the marraige.

I do wish the best for you...

Ask yourself one major question which is Do you love this man with all your heart, and want to have this man as your husband...
if the answer is yes without NO DOUBT things can be worked out in time...
this little boy cannot help about who is mother is... or you can't have kids.... nor can he help that his mom and dad doesn't love one another and divorce.

many times which is wrong, the one with the kid is afraid to speak up... no reason to be that way... for he needed to tell you before he asked you to marraige him...about his son and about the vasectomy.
YET have you told him you might not be able to have kids, or to carry a child full term? if not why not, and why are you holding it against him, if you done the same.

just some questions to seach out...

again I do hope it all works...

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Old 06-13-2004, 08:22 PM
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yes i love Jason w/all my heart...i know things don't come easy...and i don't wanna lose him...we are trying to deal w/the baby issue but it's hard...

i have told him that i may not be able to have kids he was very understanding...but i told him this before he told me he had the that is why he was so understanding...

him and i have talked about adoption...but i'm so afraid his family won't be so accepting of the baby we adopt...i remember my step father loved me so much he talked about adopting me...but his family on the other hand...wasn't so understanding and not very nice to me...i think the only other person that really cared about me on my step fathers side was my gramps...unfortanetly he died about a month ago...i have thought about turning to my dad for see what his thoughts are...
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Old 06-13-2004, 10:39 PM
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if you are close to your dad, then talk to him...
and your mom?

I think some of the fears is how you were treated and you scared it will happen again.
not necessary.. as well as you being a step mom with unsolved situations.

I do agree that Jason should of have told you right after you told him, but he might felt yo u were huring at the time and felt it would be better to tell you later. Have you asked him why he didn't tell you then? if not then ask him that question.

I do know step parenting can work... My dh has made a wonderful dad for my kids. My dd was 8 and son was amost 4 when my dh came into our lives at that time. and when my daughter got marreid she had for her step dad and her dad/daughter dance the song of Wind beneath my wings... and both kids now ages 26,22 are still closer to thier step dad than their own dad.

If you believe in prayers .... and if Jason does to, pray together ove this situation...

My prayers are with you sweetie.
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Old 06-14-2004, 08:55 AM
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Hi Rose, you really have a struggle ahead of you! You really do need to resolve all these issues before you get married, but if you two really do love each other so much, then you can get through anything together, the most important thing it to TALK and stick TOGETHER on ALL ISSUES and also get the inlaws to keep their distance (that will have to be df's decision to be firm and give you two space to grow)!! If you can afford it, councelling would be good, as a moderator to help with the issues, then go to see some specialists to see how dangerous it would be for you to have a child, although lots of times they say it would be dangerous and then the Mom & baby are fine, just listen to them and then go with your instinct! If they say OK with your health, then the next step is if he can have a successful reversal, or they can take sperm from him and implant it, there are SO MANY things they can do these days, so don't give up hope, and you are so young! Also there is a family here that was unable to have kids and they went to Haiti & when she saw the poverty, it broke her heart and now they have 5 cute Haiti kids! And lastly, as Bar_bar said, pray to your God and talk to your angels, for they will give you the answers if you will take the time to listen!
Good luck, my dear and I wish you well! Please let us know how things go, My youngest dd is your age, and she wants a baby SO BAD, but is in school for a couple more years so settled for a little dog & cat for now! (that is the cheapest solution)
Also, I have to add, that I got remarried 4 yrs ago, and my dsd lived with us for the first 2 1/2 yrs, and I felt a little jealousy when she would talk to her Dad about things and not me, but slowly she changed, and now she tells me things that she doesn't tell her Dad, so get to know the little guy, and love him not for who his parents are, but for who he is!

Your Herbal Connection!
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  #8 (permalink)  
Old 06-14-2004, 09:53 AM
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so get to know the little guy, and love him not for who his parents are, but for who he is
Alida beautiful said

I used to get jealous of my own blood daughter, for she went to her step daddy for advice... and that was a heartbreaking, for I was HER MOM. LOL... to this day she still goes to her step dad, but she comes to me too... I think mostly because of his health, plus having kids her self she is appreicating me more... She understand me as a mom more each day those kids gets older,

point is... you never know what happens... take each day for what it is... leave yesterday problems alone, and don't go borrowing trouble, for today brings enought problems of it's own.

Alida good to see you again. LOL...
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Old 06-14-2004, 10:33 AM
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thank u all...that was well said...i need to put jealousy behind me and love the kid as if it were mine...
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  #10 (permalink)  
Old 06-14-2004, 11:38 AM
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Bingo... for you could make a impact on his life....and if you allow that jealous there, you are huting yourself as much as anyone else, along with this young boy...

and the parents... they might not accept him... you are 2nd gussing that... an it thier lost but don't make the same mistake...
love that boy as if it was yours... you will be blessed.

sometimes step can be closer than biological parents... I know it been that way with me.. on myself, and mine kids.

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