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Old 06-14-2002, 10:02 AM
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Laid off SAH Dad, help!

Well due to the unfortunate economy my hubby has become a SAHD after his layoff last September. He has since been unable to find a new job, although things are progressing positively. It has actually been kind of nice having him home taking care of our 4 year old and doing some odd jobs around the house (since we have been remodeling for quite some time leaving unfinished projects everywhere for him to finish). The problem has become that although he is home during the day and I am at work I am still doing all of the cooking, cleaning, and laundry, which I think he should be doing the majority of since he is home and I'm at work. I know that staying home is a big job in it's self let alone caring for a four year old along with it, and he WAS doing things around the house although that is now few and far between, but when I find that he isn't getting out of bed untill 11-12 o'clock and he thinks being gone from the house for 2 hours constitutes being unable to do anything else all day I can't help but get really frustrated. When I get home from work I'm tired I don't need everyone asking what we are eating and when, and were their clean clothes are and "o yea this needs to be cleaned up". This subject has become a major battle in my house and I have tried talking and yelling. A few things I do know: My husband has a different idea than I do about when things are clean, he thinks I don't thank him enough when he does do things (when do I get a thank you?) and I am trying to praise him more often when I notice things. I have to ask 10 times before something get's done, but then of course I am nagging. HELP! I just can't win and doing everything my self is wearing me out physically and emotionally! Anyone have any ideas?
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Old 06-15-2002, 06:19 PM
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Good golly what a position in which to be!..Well you need to take the bull by the horns, firmly but without anger. Tell hubby dearest that he must get up, showered and dressed and go job hunting starting Monday morning. I do not know your financial situation,...is he collecting unemployment or any other benefits?

You have allowed this to go on too long. It may very well be that he is depressed because of his situation. I suggest you get him to your family physician for an exam. If the doctor deems all is well, it's time to light a fire under his butt.

This is not an easy situation. YOU need to speak to a professional counselor. But under no circumstance become an enabler.
It becomes a vicious cycle.....don't let it happen....

*hugs*
Jeannie
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Old 06-16-2002, 12:55 PM
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My dh was laid off, very unexpectedly from his job, in August of 1993. It was one of the most horrible days of our life together. It was very devastating. It was the only time he has ever talked about suicide. You have to remember that for a man, work is their LIFE. Without it, they usually feel that they have no identity.

I agree with Jeannie that he should be up, showered and dressed. Find someone to watch your four-year-old at least once a week so he can do some job hunting. Perhaps you could make a list of chores to be done. My kids feel that they're not being TOLD what to do if I write it down. Or perhaps on Saturday, you could have clean-up morning; everyone cleans the house and/or does laundry together.

I hope he finds a job soon. Best of luck to you and your dh!
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Old 06-17-2002, 04:47 AM
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Ahhh, yes he is getting unemployment and we are actually doing better with him not working than when he was (same $ coming in but no day care expense of $120/week) part of my complaints is that YES I ADMIT I am jealous! I have always wanted to stay at home with my son and now my DH get's too and he doesn't really like it!?! The job hunting problem has now become that he wants to get into construction becoming an apprentice, but that hasn't been the easiest thing to do since the job market is REALLY tight no matter what you are looking for, I just switched jobs (staying in my field) and it took me nearly a year to find something. But at the same time I ask him to do something and I have to ask several times before it get's done, I did get a promise that he would put the cement board up in the kitchen today along with switching out our washers & dryers with the new ones in the garage. He also (check this out) vacumed on Sunday while I was in the shower, on fathers day no less! Yes he has told me many times that I need to ask him for help and tell him what to do, now if I can get him to cook dinner I'll be all set! I don't mind doing some of the chores around the house, laundry isn't so bad when you think about the other things that are much worse (like cleaning out the cat box)! So I will take your ideas and use them wisely! And please let me know if you have any others, some days I just feel like giving up with him but I won't do that to myself or to him I just love him too much!
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Old 06-17-2002, 11:47 AM
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Geesh hon...tell him to get his a** in gear and go to work ...one two or three jobs if necessary and you stay home and raise your son.....don't let strangers do it......if you add up the cost of day care, your travel and lunch expenses and clothing......does it warrant your working?....what if you went to work part time when child is asleep....at night...and daddy is home?...

Hon you have to put your foot down and tell hubby that he has to go to work! and do what he has to do to support his family.....he can do construction on the side with those more experienced to learn the trade.... I don't know how old y'all are but he sounds verrrrrrry immature..... He also has to share the responsibility of home duties. Stop babying him, he is a husband and father and responsibilities of each is on his shoulders. I don't mean to sound harsh.....but that's the reality of it. *hugs*

Last edited by HOMEWriter; 06-17-2002 at 05:02 PM.
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Old 06-19-2002, 12:07 PM
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I am FRESH out of a lay-off situation myself so I KNOW the anguish. My husband came home one day 2 hours early and I knew immediately what had happened since he (as a Human Resources Manager) had been having to lay many others off himself. This was one of the most HORRIBLE experiences of our lives! He had retired as a Major from the army just 18 months before so had never known an adult day without employment. It was devastating! We were fortunate in that he collected severance and then unemployment. If your husband is collecting unemployment then I guarantee he IS looking for work or he won't collect it for long. If your area is as depressed as ours (Furniture capital of the world, world's biggest textile area but the bottom fell out) then it isn't going to be easy to find a job locally. My husband exhausted all possible local leads then started looking elsewhere, registering with numerous job sites on the internet. After too many false leads to count, the phone finally rang one day and "the job" was on the other end. Yes, we have to relocate, something we thought we were done with once he retired from the Army. Maybe our military background makes this easier for us to cope with than many others but move we are and happily since it means a great new job with a huge and secure company.

I sincerely believe after having lived this myself for almost a year that your husband is depressed. He may not admit it or realize it but it sure sounds like a real possiblity. A CALM heart to heart might help. You BOTH need a chance to speak your peace. He needs to understand you feel overwhelmed while he may be feeling useless.

I thoroughly enjoyed having my husband home for the duration. I am a SAH Nana taking care of my 3 grandkids so he was an IMMENSE help to me. I let him know it too and miss him something awful now that he's not only returned to work but moved on ahead to the new location. (I'm joining him after next week! )

I pray you and your husband can work this through and that your area is large enough to provide employment soon. I keep hearing that the economy is on the mend but it isn't happening here yet because apparently furniture and textiles are always slow to recover.

Good luck and keep those lines of communication open!
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Old 06-22-2002, 09:21 AM
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Lightbulb

I have to agree with some of the other posts. A man's work is his identity. Your husband sounds like he is slipping or has slipped into a depression. Depression is not as we imagine it. it's not moping around, sleeping and crying all the time. It is not only emotinal but a physical illness.

Ok, so now what can you do? I have some suggestions but the first and most important is to get him to his doctor for a check-up. Call ahead and discuss your concerns with his doctor so that (s)he can ask the right questions and perform the right tests.
Next, remind your self that he is probably not doing this out of laziness. You are in a position to help him out of this by loving him (and it sounds like that is the case).

For the every day problems I have only a couple of suggestions. First you have to set up a time when you can discuss some of the issues that are coming up. I wouldn't suggest announcing to him that you need to talk and expect him to want to reight away. Ask him when it would be a good time to discuss his being at home and ask him to think of some solutions to resove some of the argument you've been having lately. He might say that he wants to talk right now so be prepared in case. One question I might ask is "How would you feel if you were at work all day then came home to more work only to find out that I had slept in, and relaxed all day, every day?" He might not have looked at it from your point of view. Here are a couple of suggestions for your discussion:

1. You want him to start cooking - perhaps you could start by getting him to cook with you. My husband has no confidence in his cooking abilities and prefers I cook because I can. Ask him to pick a meal and you can prepare it together so he can see how it's done. With time he might start to enjoy creating a meal himself! There are many great sites to get recipes from (www.allrecipes.com) and he could then shop to make sure he has all the ingredients.

2. you want him to do more around the house. From your post it sounds like he doesn't know where to start. Ask him if he would want you to make a list or job chart to remind him of things that need to get done daily/weekly. Start off small (2-3 chores per day). He has had it pretty easy for quite some time and lots of work at once might be overwhelming! You never know, he might decide he is ready for some real work and want to do more! You could put down some Optional jobs if he gets time.

Love and patience will help. I also agree with a previous suggestion. You might look into counselling for yourself. This has been hard on you too and you should discuss it with an impartial person who won't take it personally. You are getting the raw end of the deal, for now. You can both work on that. I wish you so much luck!

Best wishes,

Colleen ;-)
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Old 06-01-2003, 05:31 PM
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Ok, I know that this is an older post, but I am sloooow, I just found it. My hubby has been unemployed for 3 years. I made him quit after his mother died, between his mother's unexpected death and his crazy hours at a job he did not enjoy, with a boss that would ask him what hours he wanted and then give him everything but, his blood pressure went sky high.
He really doesn't seem to want to go get a job. He thinks his job is being the taxi driver to the kids. Our 17 yr old could drive herself around, if he would only get a job so that we could afford a car for her and the insurance, or help her with the insurance if she had a part time job.
I told him, if he would start working, I could find part time work and be the taxi driver.
He is not a lazy person, just discouraged about not finding work.
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Old 06-02-2003, 03:26 AM
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It is a vicious cycle Momofjems! My dh was getting extremely worried when his job finally came long--we knew the longer he was unemployed the less "attractive" he would be to potential employers. The longer it went on, the more disouraged he became and the less enthusiastic he was about applying. Ther are SO many unprofessional people out in the working world! Applications and resumes requested then not even the courtesy of acknowledgin it or a follow-up to let you know someone else was chosen. It is HARD to endure this but endure you must. My dh finally hit pay dirt and it started out just like any other day.

We lived in an area that was becoming depressed (HUGE furniture manufacturing area and it has taken major hits from overseas) so we made the decision that we had to be ready to relocate. Ultimately we did-at the new companies expense. Still it wasn't easy to uproot since we had retired from the Army only 2 1/2 years before and thought we were settled for the duration.

Best of luck--I hope you can find a solution.

Jayne
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Old 03-17-2004, 10:37 AM
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Thank you ladies for all your replies, I didn't even know this thread was still here! My dh did end up finding a wonderful job (good steady employment & union!), he has been there nearly a year now and has even been promoted already! His first week he worked over 80 hours, and he never complains about the 12 hour days, Saturdays or Sundays that he has to work. As a matter of fact we have decided that it is time for me to come home and be a stay at home mom/wife, my last day will be 3 weeks from Friday. Good luck to all of you!
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