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Old 05-27-2006, 11:35 AM
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Sad face I need HELP!

My name is Deanna and I am at the end of my rope. I have a 4 year old son. I just recently became a stay at home mom about 10 months ago. I am currently pregnant with my second little one. My problem is my son is out of control. His dad works from noon to about 2 am. I am alone with my son all day. He has become very abusive. He hits me, throws things, and tries to see how long before he can make me cry. He will throw his toys at me and hit me untill I have no more strenth. The really hard part is that I am 7 months pregnant and he tries to hit me as hard as he can in my belly because he knows that I run away for fear that he will really hurt the unborn baby. I need some help and advice on what I can do. I am scared to be around my son. PLEASE HELP!!!
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Old 05-27-2006, 08:47 PM
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Wow! Honey, do something before the second child is born. Talk to your Dh and talk to doctors, pediatrician, therapist, etc. Stop this now before you have a helpless infant at the mercy of your son. Counseling might be a good idea right now. Good luck!
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Old 05-29-2006, 04:25 AM
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Deanna, I agree with Joyann. You need to find a support system and find a way to deal with your 4-year-old.

Can I ask how long this behavior has been going on? (Is it a new behavior, or did he always act like that?)

I would definitely recommend starting with your pediatrician and taking advantage of any professional help you can. In addition, find support among other moms in your area.

You should not have to feel afraid of a 4-year-old.

I will be praying that you resolve this situation. Please do feel free to come back here and vent to us, or ask questions here. The people in this forum are very supportive.
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Old 06-05-2006, 09:46 AM
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Sweetie-
I Have A Similar Problem! I Have A Four Year Old And A Nine Month Old. Ever Since My Nine Month Old Was Born The Four Year Old Has Become Out Of Control. It Is Their Way Of Trying To Work You To Do What They Want! Don't Allow It. Have You Ever Watched Nanny 911? It Is An Awesome Learning Show For How To Control Your Children! Yes, My Son Is Still Out Of Control, But I Have A Lot Better Control Of It Then I Used To! Don't Let Him Hit You! Ask If He Would Like To Be Hit The Same Way? Then Stick Him In A Corner And don't Let Him Come Out Until He Stops Crying, Throwing A Fit, Or Talking For Four Minutes! Take Control! I Can't Begin To Tell You How Much You Need To!!!! If You Have Any More Questions Or Concerns Let Me Know!!!! I Would Be Happy To Try To Help!!! I Have To Put A Gate With Other Things In Front Of The Gate. Just Hang In There!
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Old 06-05-2006, 11:45 AM
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Bless your heart! First, it takes time and a ton of patience to change a behavior. Don't let him see you cry. You may need to have you DH or a friend watch him while to take a break long enough to have a good cry and a self-pep talk. My DGD started doing the screaming tantrum stuff recently. (She's been in the room when her mother watches Nanny 911. LOL) Anyway, I had her and her brother for a week recently. She threw a fit. I told her that when she could talk to me in a polite tone and behaved, I would listen. She continued to scream. So, I tuned her out (easier said than done, I know) while I watched television. Turn on the CLosed Captioning so that you can "hear" your show. Within 3 days, she was fine. The last tantrum she had, I actually engaged her in the argument that he wanted, and like the cartoons, I got her to change her answer to mine. I laughed and she clammed up, which was nice.

When this behavior started with her, my DD called and asked for what to do. This is what I advised that has been working. Get you a box or a large jar. Fill it with small candy and toys. When you notice that he is behaving or acting well, give him 1-2 pennies, depending on the method that fits you. When he gets to 5 (or of doing it by 2s, you can go up to 10) he gets to pick something out of the jar--anything he wants. He may or may not be able to understand what others are thinking or going through. That happens at about the age of 4. He won't be able to have the ability of abstract thought until about 7ish. This means he won't be able to understand time. So, you will need to allow him to earn these treats in a fairly short period of time. However, remember that all this will take anywhere from days to weeks to get him to the point that you want. It isn't easy as there are no short-cuts.

Also, see if you can get your hands on Dr. Dobson's book, The Strong-Willed Child. I want to say that at least one of his now grown children were like this. He has so many wonderful ideas. He also has a great book called, Dared to Discipline that is worth reading. Some kids actually don't benefit from the same type of punishments as other children.

One last thought. Ask yourself if your son is seeing any inappropiate behavior or is/has been mistreated. I am in no way accusing you of anything. But, if there is aggressive behavior in the home or outside the home from a babysitter or neighbor or friend, he will be difficult to become that sweet kid that you know he is without the help of a qualified psychologist. .

I wish you all the best! Remember that he is your first, so allow yourself to make mistakes.
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Old 06-07-2006, 09:33 AM
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out of control

I would suggest #1. You race to the store to purchase this book (or order from Amazon) - here is the link: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/031...Fencoding=UTF8

It is called "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

You need to set boundaries! No one - no child, no spouse, no family member should ever treat you the way you are being treated.

Another wonderful child rearing book is "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Ted Tripp.

I have read literally 100's of child/parenting/family books and these are two of the best.
I do much work in the area of women's ministry which in turn, means much discussion etc. on family/marital issues.

Working on this (and yes it will take hard work) is WORTH it. What you do now will pay off for many years to come.
Be encouraged - it can be done.
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Old 06-07-2006, 04:03 PM
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do you ever think of allergies??? you know they had all kinds of shows on tv about kids alergic or something.{or maybe it was too much sugar??} but maybe its worth a try!!!
I HOPE all gets better REAL SOON!!!!!!! keep us posted!!!
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Old 06-08-2006, 07:12 AM
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Honesty is the best policy! Before you take your child to the doctor or solicit help from others. Take time to find out what you may have done to allow this behavior. Our children take cues from their parents and we really have to be aware of what type of messages that we are sending them. You are the mother and you have to teach your son how to show respect and that there are boundaries. You will have to be consistent and firm but it will pay off. When a child is out of control it will affect all areas of his life school, social time with other children, etc. One of the most effective tools that I have in my home is that me and my husband are on the same page. We back one another up and give each other breaks when it comes to our 4 boys. We have set boundaries and we mean what we say and it really does work. Don't get me wrong we have our challenging days but if your stand firm and consistent it really works out and you can have a loving and respectful realtionship with your children. Always keep one thought in mind - "you are the mother and you deserve respect simply because of that"!
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Old 06-08-2006, 07:29 AM
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Welcome to FC Nell! If you get a chance hop over to the Introduce yourself thread so that others can meet you. There are wonderful people here at FC.
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Old 06-08-2006, 10:21 AM
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Has your husband always worked a 2nd shift job? If not your son could be missing his Dad and at 4 can't vocalize it.

He has a lot of changes going on in his life (Mom's home, Dad's at work, baby on the way) and needs help to vocalize and understand that he is going to still have Mom & Dad love when baby #2 comes along.

Roberta
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