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Old 05-27-2005, 07:30 PM
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Question who needs their self identity back?

I love staying home with my girls shana 4 and sara 2. We do so much together. They are loving polite and caring. They love their Daddy and he loves them. But I would love to easily and naturally have them get to know the woman I used to be before them. Why can't I bring back some of the old me and fit it in with the 24/7 mom, wife and mentally worn out me? I need stories, opinions and advice. I used to be a relaxed, easy going, nature girl who loved old movies and science. Now I just want to get through the day without having to scream.


Okay, ...waiting to hear all you SAHMs out there.
stephanie
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Old 05-28-2005, 06:39 AM
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Gee, You have summed up the way I have been feeling too.

Although I dont want to give up being a SAHM, I do wish that I had some of the old me back. I love my kids and want to stay home with them but Im not really happy with they way things have been lately. I do miss the fact that I had a "place" to go to when I worked, people that depended on me. I was independent and strong. Im starting to feel like my family doesnt care whether Im at home with them or not. Im a little upset at the fact that Mother's Day came and went and I didnt a single thing and then my birthday came and went and I didnt get a single thing from them.....my son didnt even say "Happy Birthday" to me until I said something to him before he went to bed. My husband gave me a lame excuse that he forgot his wallet at home the night before my bd. when he went to work. You know......he was to buy me......... Not that I need material things to make me happy, just something, anything would've been nice.

Im just rambling now..... I usually dont go off like that but this subject touched home with me.

I obviously dont have the answer that you are looking for but I just wanted to let you know that you arent alone.


BTW, Welcome to Family Corner! There are many wonderful people here!! Jump in and get to know us.



Tami
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Old 06-08-2005, 11:32 AM
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sahm

Just a thought - the fact of the matter is You are not the same woman you were before you had children and became a stay at home mom! How can you bring back what isn't anymore? Your personality has been changed and molded and has evolved into who you are today. This is a good thing! To be content with who you are and develop new interests etc. in the present time will enhance who you are instead of wishing for what once was. Yes SAHM's sometimes feel overwhelmed and tired and stretched but so do all moms! I think the goal should be "God, help me to be content in the situation I find myself in now and grow me into who I need to be in the future."
A job does not define you - it should be a means to an end. Yes we all try to do well in our jobs etc. but no "role" should give us our self esteem or sense of worth. What you are doing is an incredible gift to your family and society! Develop relationships that bless you and encourage you and help you to grow - regardless of if you are a SAHM or not. Remember, there is a time and a season for everything. I was a SAHM and there were days I wished I weren't....my girls are school age and I am working p/t - and I enjoy what I am doing as it is a means to help my children be in a private school. But - my "real" life is tied up in my family, my friends and a good group of supportive ladies. I have developed some other interests throughout the years also - crafts, artsy stuff....on-line course etc. The biggest advice I could give you that has helped me is "be where you are" and don't multitask. We women are champions at it...and it leads to stressed out, busy moms. Everything doesn't have to be done....when you are with your daughters or family members - be with them. Enjoy who they are - I am sure they would love old movies and science(y) things! Even if you have to take a day each week and declare it "fun day" - it will benefit all involved. All the best!
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Last edited by Goria; 06-08-2005 at 11:35 AM.
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Old 06-08-2005, 11:40 AM
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I just read your message and it made me sad. You know I think the whole identity thing just kind of dissappears when the kids are small. My kids are 7 & 9. They are wonderful, happy kids who love having their mom home. I wouldn't change being a SAHM for anything. BUT when kids are as young as yours, it really is just hard, fun, but exhausting. Fear not, it gets easier!!! Matter of fact I enjoy staying home now more than ever. I drop the kids at school and hit the gym every morning. It is great "me time", and it makes me feel good. I love being in their school and volunteer a LOT. I do remember the days when I really wanted to go back to work, but honestly, it will pass. You are so lucky to be able to stay home with your kids, I know a hundred moms that would happily trade places. So tonight, when hubby gets home, give him a 10 second kiss, reconnect and smile (even tho it will be the witching hour and the kids will be cranky). My only suggestion is setting a bedtime for your kids. If you have them both in bed by 8:00, you will have a couple hours to yourself. Join a gym, go for a walk with a friend, read a book, take up an old hobby, or snuggle on the couch with your hubby and watch some TV.

Good luck!
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Old 06-08-2005, 12:01 PM
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I know how you both feel too. I have never had to have a jop before and then I had gotten one when I had my daughter..she was about 2 yrs old. I went to the Speedy Foods store right around the corner (walking distance)

I had the job for 2 weeks and it was my day off..my daughter was sick and then called me in and had me brinmg her with me until i got ahold of my mom or dad to come get her. She was throwing up all over the place and I had to wait on customers whie this was going on. It was horrible so I walked out and left.

I have not worked since then. besides babysitting and cleaning and odd little jobs like that. Its hard to find something now without working with food or cash register..which I dont want to do either. I have applied at vets, humane society, pet shops and no calls back yet. I want to do part time and something I will stick with but having no diploma dont help me.

I feel so stressed EVERYDAY being home and not helping but i dont want to go to work either. i think I NEED to work thou to help me be myself again. Im a majorly afraid to work..I mean it scares me really bad, enuff that i cry and shake..panic

I am depressed and have been out n Zoloft but it dont help me any.

But I DO understand what you are going thru becuz I am too.
Wondering if they even care if im around or not. Then Im just here to cook and clean and things like that..Its awful
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Old 06-08-2005, 12:04 PM
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Tina, That's some good advice. We have set a bedtime for our kids too. Since my DH works nights, about 2 hours together a night after the kids go to bed.

The good thing is that I still have an hour or so to myself each night after that.
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Old 06-08-2005, 01:23 PM
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I'm not a SAHM, but used to be. Do you mind just a little bit of advice from someone who used to be there and wish she never had to work outside the home? I agree with Gloria in the fact that your life has changed since having children. I remember my mom once telling me that even the look of my car had changed after the birth of our first child.
If you want to have some of the woman back that you used to have, share your stories of your life with your children. Take them on hikes. Find science projects on the internet that are set for their ages. Do projects of all kinds with them.
Also you need a moment at least for an hour for yourself, so when dh comes home from work, go take a class, go to the gym or just go take a walk all by yourself.
Days with children are like a bed of roses. You will find some beauty and some thorns, but the blooms only last a short time. Corny I know, but just enjoy your children now, because they grow up so fast .
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Old 06-08-2005, 06:59 PM
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Self Identity

I have three boys now ages 7,9 and 11. I worked in NYC for many years and decided to stay home after my first son was born. I was very lonely and going "STIR CRAZY" then of course I had two more back to back then I was really nuts! It does get easier as they get older, promise. I know your pain. I cried alot some days and other days they had me laughing my head off. We recently had to do a time line for all three of them for each of thier teachers . I had to dig out all the baby pictures. I know they are still young, but my heart hurt when I saw places I took them and holidays of when they were little and I thought to myself WHERE DID ALL THE TIME GO!? I MISS MY BABIES!...
I'm 5'1", and now my 11 yr. old is 5'3"and weighs 130. He says mom I'm going the park to play basketball, see you at dinner.I used to hold that boy in my arms!

I joined the "Moms Club" of NJ when my 1st son was two, it's a non- profit organization with other stay at home moms that plan trips and play dates. They are all over the USA. Try checking the newspaper for other groups there are so many. This group of woman helped me get by those hard years when you feel like your the only one losing the person you once were. They felt the same way I did and the way you do. I made many new friends and we had a great time losing our minds together.

Now I work part time at my childrens elementary school and the YMCA. The best part is I get paid to do this and get to see my kids too!..............Diana

Last edited by theddgang; 06-08-2005 at 07:10 PM.
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Old 06-09-2005, 12:05 AM
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I remember when my kids were 2 and 3. I was so exausted that I went to work for a year just to get some rest!!!

When my 3rd child was born the others were 5 and 6 and it was much easier. I had joined a moms group at church and we spent a lot of time playing at different parks in town.

Try to schedule your day with play time, blowing bubbles, going to the park, etc. Play is important for you and the kids.

Have special time to relax with your husband after dinner. I lost my husband last month after 36 1/2 years and I'm so glad he made sure we had time to sit and relax every evening.

Don't forget about you. Find an easy to do hair style. Have a quick skin care ritual. Wear pretty but comfortable clothing. When the kids are down for naps read, call a friend, take a bubble bath, write a letter, check your e-mail, whatever you enjoy. 3 hours a day of play is good for all of you. :o)

Make house work easier. If you must, keep the dirty (rinsed off) dishes in a pan under the sink and only wash them once a day. Do 1 or 2 tubs of laundry every day so you aren't faced with too much to do all at once. Help the kids clean up their mess before naps, before outdoor time, before dad gets home, before dinner, and before bed. It is much faster and easier to do 5 different 5 min clean ups than 1 huge 25 minute disaster!

I have done daycare for my 7 grandchildren and quick clean ups are fun if you are getting ready to do something they want or if it is a race. Music also helps a lot. You can dance with a broom or a mop and the kids will laugh with you.

Make sure that you all get quiet times too. This is a great time to sit with them to watch a movie, read a book, color a picture for grandma, play with clay, etc

Be determined to have fun with your family. Don't let being "too busy" get in the way of good memories. When you get stressed turn up the music and dance with the kids or go outside and play.

Spoil yourself. Buy yourself flowers when you are at the grocery store or plant some in the yard and let the kids help you cut them to put on the table. Plan your birthday parties with your kids. Help them make your birthday cards and presents and let them decorate your birthday cake. They will love celebrating with you.

Love & Prayers,
Linda
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Last edited by lindaljh1; 06-09-2005 at 12:09 AM.
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Old 06-12-2005, 06:45 AM
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Thank you everyone!

Thank you for all the great advice and support. You know how it is. The reason i am on this site is to help me through these down times. It makes me a better mom when i know there are others who have gone through the same thing. I know we all are striving to be the best mom and person they can be.

Thank you! I feel better. stephanie
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