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Old 09-15-2002, 05:36 PM
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chuckle A Single Parent for 17 years!



Hi, my name is Leace and I have been a single parent for 17 years. And my two daughters father has little to do with them. He lives in a different state, and he only calls once in a "blue moon". My oldest daughter is very hurt about this. But I have told her, that she will know what NOT to do with her own children. As we have a very close relationship. SHe is 17 and my youngest is 11. The three of us are VERY close. I have always TALKED to them. Starting from birth. When they were babies, and I was going shopping, and I put them in the car seat, I would say, "we are going to the store to get milk, bread, etc." And I would read to them starting at birth. They both are great readers and love to read. This helps in all subjects. And they have learned a lot just from the books they read.

I also am not afraid to say "I am sorry" for I make mistakes too. But if I say, "the next time you do that, we are leaving..." and they do "that" again, we LEAVE. The trick is to say what you MEAN and MEAN what you SAY! I also will listen to them if they think I am being unreasonable. Sometimes they are right.

Its hard not having another adult as I do NOT have any family to help me, but on the other hand we are such a close family! I am proud of our family. My dd's are my best friends, and we have respect for eachother.

I also do not believe in spanking. As, my dd's learn how to treat people by the way I treat them. Also, when they were younger, and it was potty training time, I also just took them to the store and bought panties of thier choice and it was easy! These pull-up's are just diapers! And expensive!

The most important thing I have learned is to keep an open mind and to read what is out there. Also, I was abused as a child, so I knew what I DID NOT want to do with my girls.

Sometimes I feel blessed as I do not have to argue with a spouse on how to raise my dd's. So far, what I have been doing works for us!

Good Luck to you all!

Leace
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Old 09-15-2002, 06:06 PM
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Hi Leace. I think the best thing I ever did for my son was let him form his own opinion of his father--it was hard not to say stuff to him but I remembered how it made me feel like I needed to defend my ex to my parents when we were going through the divorce and I did not want to put my son in that position. He is almost 18 now and just in the past six months, he has really spoken up to me and others (not his dad yet) about just how he views him (and it isn't in a positive light). This just reaffirmed for me that I did the right thing in keeping my mouth shut. Our children are smart and as you pointed out in the rest of your post, they learn so much from our actions; from how we do things. Sounds like you are doing a great job in what I know is a tough situation.

I remarried 8 years ago and while it was at times rocky, especially initially, it co-parenting for the first time, it has gotten easier.

Take care of your girls!
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Old 09-26-2002, 03:01 AM
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Leace

I have been a single parent for 19 years! I am so glad to hear another long time single parent say that they don't spank! I have taken a lot of criticism about this issue! I, too, believe that our children learn from us and how we treat them. I was spanked as a child and it taught me to be untrusting.:mad: I have always believed that you can teach a child to behave with repetitiveness. That is how, we, as humans, learn everything else. The problem is that spanking is easier and most people think solves the problem right then. Spanking and hitting teaches our children to fear us. I don't want my children to be afraid of me, but to respect me. Respect is harder to teach but is well worth the wait! When we act on our initial anger or embarrassment that our child has caused us to feel, we teach them that they can pull our strings with bad behavior. As much as at times it has been extremely hard, patience and repetitiveness have always worked much better for me. Being a parent has taught me to be patient when I am angered or upset by my children. My daughter, who is now 11, was the best example of a spirited child. We had many holding sessions, when she would refuse to sit in time out. There were days when I thought I was going to go insane! She tested me more than my son ever thought of. I sometimes took time outs myself away from her, she could frustrate me so much! Now at 11, I am glad that I didn't spank her. She is a strong-willed child with a mind of her own. I think that in nurturing her personality with love and not fear, she will some day be a force to be reckoned with! I think that she can do anything she puts her mind to. My son was much more compliant as a child. He has a take it or leave it attitude. Even so, what kind of person would he be today, if I had spanked him? I am glad that I didn't have to know. I love my kids with all the challenges it has taken to raise them. I just choose not to hit them!
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Old 09-26-2002, 04:47 PM
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chuckle You GO GIRL!!!



I was happy to read your email and glad you do not use "spanking" either. As I said, my girls are 17 and 11 and they have ALOT of respect for me, but I also have alot of respect for them. It is a two way street. I respect the things they have to say and sometimes they point out my mistakes, but they do that with such love and care! My 17 year old, well she is a senior and will be 18 and graduating soon and I feel that I am soooo blessed as she has turned out so well. She is very much thinking smart about her future and going to college and not just thinking about "boys" and "puppy love". She knows that she has alot to do this year and she is doing it. Unfortunally this is the 8th or 9th time she has switched schools, and she is on the honor roll! Because, she likes herself and that is the best gift you can give your child. Also, helping them be independant. I remember once she was like 3 or 4 and I gave her money and sent her in the store to get a loaf of bread. We needed it for sandwiches. Then she comes out with this big LONG french loaf freshly cooked in the stores bakery! BUT it was the best sandwiches we ever had!!! I really enjoy being a mom and it is nice that my girls have both said that they are surely going to ask me lots of questions when they have kids. They both only want one tho! ;-) But, hopefully not too soon.
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Old 09-27-2002, 02:43 AM
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blushing Misdtakes

Hi again,
I just wanted to add that I have noticed that alot of people will look down on us as parents when we tell them that we admit our mistakes to our children. Have you ever ran into that? I think that alot of parents think that to admit mistakes and apologize for them, is giving up your control as a parent. I think that it teaches children that it is okay to make mistakes and even parents are human! It also teaches them compassion when parents show emotion like that. What do you think?


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Old 09-27-2002, 02:45 AM
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blushing OOPS! Mistakes-too early in the morning

Sorry about the typo and I thought I previewed it!


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Old 09-27-2002, 05:54 AM
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I agree!



Hello there,

Yes, I agree. There are lots of parents that would not admit to making mistakes, but that gives the child a chance to understand and forgive. Also, I give my dd's a chance to talk to me when I set out a "rule". Like if I say bedtime is 9pm and they expain to me that there is no school, and they have done chores, etc. I might change my mind. If they whine and fuss, and complain not treating me with respect, then the answer is always NO! They talk to me with respect, and I listen with respect, and I get the same from them.

They also admit to me when they make a mistake and ask me to forgive. What you put in, is usually what you get out.

I being a mom!!!
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