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Old 05-10-2010, 03:04 AM
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Thumbs down Teen/Young Adult Issues

What to do? 19 year living at home...AIMLESS.
He worked for awhile 2-3 days a week only. Quit that job for a summer job at amusement park. Worked 2 weeks...looking again. No plans for college.
Not contributing...no money he says. I cannot even get him to take the garbage out! When he does do something, like cut the grass, it is half assed and someone has to do over. He continually cooks hamburgers (eats ALOT) and leaves a mess.
He stayed gone all day Mother's Day...and then expected a hug at 11:30pm! Not happy!!
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Old 05-10-2010, 04:17 AM
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Our oldest son tried that when he graduated from high school. Charged up our bills, quit his job. We gave him 2 months. Kicked him out. He went with his real mother for a few months came back. We let him move back home. He last only a few weeks. Started the same crap. Kicked him out and let him live on the streets for a few months. He joined the military and that it took a few years and a wife and family. Finally he grew up.
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Old 07-23-2010, 08:52 AM
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Tough Love

It's time for YOU to take some growing-up steps now, too. It is time to lay down the law: a 19-yo who lives at home has two choices. If he isn't a full-time student, he has to pay rent. And include the cost of food in that, or else he has to buy his own food. That means a job. Period. Don't waver from this. Yes, it's tough-love. He needs that. And you do, too. It's sink-or-swim time. And be willing to kick him out if he doesn't comply. He may find another place to live and it may be squalid, but that's kind of his problem, not yours.

Lay down the law about cleaning up after himself in the kitchen, too. I've gone so far as putting the dirty dishes and food scraps on his bed in his room to make my point.

This is part of Parenting 101. Don't make threats you aren't going to follow through on (like, "If you aren't going to either go to school or pay rent, you have to move out" or "we all are responsible for cleaning up after we cook and eat... if you don't, then you cannot eat here"). He learned years ago that you don't follow through and it's time for you to break that pattern.
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Old 07-23-2010, 01:38 PM
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Absolutely!!!!!! Kids need firm direction, and the direction on your part is to teach responsibility and growth into adulthood. He will thank you for it, someday, and you will be happier, too.
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Old 07-23-2010, 02:16 PM
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My eldest is 20 in Oct, he did have a brief time of unemployment between leaving school and his next job. Our brief to him was nothing in life is free, I work hard so does dad so what makes you think you'd be so special not to contribute to the household, if you're not doing paid work you do house work.
I wonder if you can get him to do a bit of volunteer work with the less fortunate so that he can see how good he really has it at home as you can't pay for him forever, your funds aren't unlimited, if he doesn't get his butt into gear he may end up like those homeless people.

It is a tough one and as hard as it is for a mum to see her child, no matter the age, like this a bit of tough love may be required, ask a professional or some one that has a similar problem.

Good luck and I'm sure he will grow into a hard working young man
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Old 07-23-2010, 02:45 PM
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shocking Aimless Son

Quote:
Originally Posted by daisylady View Post
What to do? 19 year living at home...AIMLESS.
He worked for awhile 2-3 days a week only. Quit that job for a summer job at amusement park. Worked 2 weeks...looking again. No plans for college.
Not contributing...no money he says. I cannot even get him to take the garbage out! When he does do something, like cut the grass, it is half assed and someone has to do over. He continually cooks hamburgers (eats ALOT) and leaves a mess.
He stayed gone all day Mother's Day...and then expected a hug at 11:30pm! Not happy!!
Yes, I am not a mother. No, I have not read any of the other responses. Yes, I am going to share another piece of my life as an example.

With that said.

If I were lucky enough to have a child of my own, acting the way this one is, I would attempt to have an adult conversation w/him stating that I understand economic times are tough for everyone right now, but you need to either get organized and find a decent paying job, or find someone else to mooch off of. And if he has any keys / remotes to our home he needed to hand them over now... resulting that even if he stayed w/us, he was only allowed in when we were home.

I would then go into another room and fall apart at having had to basically kick him out, but stand firm that we can not have an extra mouth to feed when he should be making "real" contributions to the family, and not the "you owe me because ____," garbage.

My parents kicked my sister out about the same age and told her I can't afford your lifestyle, you can visit, but only if your father or I am home.

I was kicked out at 17 for repeating foul language at someone I wanted off my families property (outside), unbeknown to me my parents were talking long distance to my grandmother (inside) at the exact same time I was giving this other person an earful... although I think what really made the kick official was when my dad came out and gave me the same exact lecture word for word, while my mom still had his mom on the line. My mom came out five minutes later to explain to both of us that my grandmother was still on the line expecting my dad to go back in and have a "chat" with her, and that I was not kicked out over this incident but to vacate for a few hours or days. I returned briefly the next day to apologies, grab my stuff, and leave permanently. I didn't leave their lives permanently, just their house. I figured if I could get booted for doing something way less than what my older sister had done, I didn't need to be there.

But I also had a few things going for me that this guy doesn't. I had a savings account, I had a job, and I had friends... and a bicycle to assist me in getting around.
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Old 07-23-2010, 03:00 PM
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I have 3 dds and did kick my middle one for similar behavior. I did think she was using drugs but could not prove it. My youngest moved back home after losing her job and separating from her husband. I do not provide gas money or pay for anything for her. She does help around the house and if she needs money will offer to do a big job for me . I treat her as an adult and expect her to act like one

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Old 07-25-2010, 08:55 PM
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It will be difficult to do the right thing, but kick him out if he does not contribute! My DS and DD tried this. My DS was kicked out twice! He is living with me now and not only is he contributing, be he is helping me! Your son knows he is in the wrong. Can you blame him for wanting a free ride? When he was 2, he wanted a cookie and not eat dinner. Did you let him? Now, he is wanting free room and board without working for it. Do you let him? Love is tough sometimes. It is tougher on us than our children. Set rules. Tell your son he has X amount of days to find and get a job. Then, on his first pay check, he has to hand over the money. Once you catch up on the bills he has racked up, he can keep some. He knows nothing of the value of money or he would be helping.

Remember, when you feed an adult child food, let him enjoy electricity, AC, TV, and so on, you are rewarding him for the behavior that you do NOT want! Stop rewarding him. When he gets his life together and helps, he can get things from you. I did this to my son and he said he always knew I was there for him and that he had to straiten his like out.

Tell your little boy he has 2 weeks (nice round figure and helps you feel less guilty) to find another place to stay or a job. Once he finds a job, tell him right away, he has to keep his job or live on the streets. If he doesn't learn now, prisons have nice classes and programs to help him. What is he going to do when you are gone and aren't able to help him?
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