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Old 04-07-2013, 04:13 PM
daisylady's Avatar
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Location: Batavia, Ohio
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Daughter Issues

My daughter is 19 and will be 20 in August. She doesn't drive and has never worked. She helps out around the house...but bare minimums. And usually does a half assed job.
I was willing to let her follow her dreams of writing book. But thanks to the internet, she now spends all night talking to a guy she met in Norway. Now she wants to meet him in New York City at an anime convention.
So I told her she needs a job. She is not really looking so I guess I should not be too concerned...but now she says if she doesn't have the money for plane fare, he will pay. Arrrgggghhh.
She does not go out. She seldom leaves the house. I just want her to be happy. I turned the cell phone off...since she stopped doing much.
Not sure what to do. We are in Ohio...not quite rural, but no bus service.
Suggestions welcome!!
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Old 04-07-2013, 04:50 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Ohio
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When my adult sister and step-brother needed to move back into the house they had to do chores to help around the house as well as pay $100 a week for room & board.

I believe she wont change until you force her to by giving a deadline on getting a job and start paying some room & board money and her own cell phone and internet bill.

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Old 04-14-2013, 07:23 AM
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Dear Daisy,
I agree with Roberta.
When I was younger, I had free will (mid 1970's) the time I was 15 (early 1980's), I had a pt job at a popular fat-food restaurant and attended two schools pt (HS and general study assistance classes), and homework. My only car, was a 10-speed bicycle - as I had no license. I took a little bit of my small paycheck, and gave my parents (who did NOT ask) some money for the price of sleeping in my room, the use of their kitchen, and using their land-line phone. Also, I helped clean around the house, and still found a social life. What I paid was NOT nearly enough for a "real" apartment, utilities, and food, plus social activities. I left my parents home when I was 19...I wasn't in college, had no job, and no idea where I was going to live - I had friends and a social life. One friend found me a place to live, the room mate suggested places locally that were hiring, I had my feet to get me to/from work (not many street lights in this neighborhood), and my boyfriend / social life were in other counties (not close by). Again, I was giving a little of my measly paycheck to the friend I was living with, and helping to keep his house clean. A few years later I was planning my wedding, and preparing to move out of state.
I had free will when I was younger...I had a need to be on my own since I was seven (7), and put it into motion by the time I was 15.

Your Daughter for whatever reason does not have free will to be on her own, she doesn't have the inner "need" to spread her own wings and fly...she sounds like she wants someone to "care" for her always. That is not to say you haven't cared for her, it is to say for whatever reason she feels /thinks she "will" be cared for all her life.

I know the hardest part about being a parent is TOUGH LOVE... I'm not a parent, but I've seen the difference in my parents raising style - trust me if we didn't clean our rooms and help with house work things were taken away, and my parents made it very clear that we bought our own cars and paid for our own insurance. Thus insuring that if we wanted something, we needed to be responsible for it. My DS and DI-L's style which is "if we have the money, you can have it." And "Adults should no better than take stuff away from children who don't understand the difference of needing and wanting stuff when they aren't "old enough" to take care of it." How being 7, 9, 10, and 12 is not old enough to know the difference is beyond me...But I am guessing anyone of 13 should?.
If you see someone in need of help and you can do something, then do something — that goes for people and animals. If you can help out, try. That’s what I hope people take away from this.” -Alex Scroggins
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Old 04-17-2013, 09:36 AM
VicRae's Avatar
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Loveland, CO
Posts: 19,057
Here in Colorado I've been told that we are legally responsible for our children who live at home until they are 22 years old. So, your dd should be treated as a child if she isn't doing much to help out around the house. You could stop doing her laundry for her and make her make her own meals too. She may get the message if she has to star fending for herself. You could also get a timer to automatically cut the power to her internet service at a certain time. Since I'm sure you are pating for that as well. Even if she doesn't have a job she could volunteer or do some kind of community serve, even something like babysitting at church. Hope this helps some.

I have 2 kids still livimg at home who do work and I make them responsible for a third of the rent and make them pay some for the household bills. And now they are considered roommates instead of just my kids and getting a free ride.

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