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Kwiltnwriter 01-02-2013 05:38 AM

Uncaring kids?
Tomorrow is my birthday and my husband has informed me that the kids have planned absolutely nothing for me. This makes two years in a row now. My son is 14 (Aspergers- high functioning autism), and my daughter is 11. Last year my daughter slapped a hastily made card in my hand and dumped one of our cats in my lap and said Happy Birthday only after being reminded.

It not that it wasn't mentioned, it's not that my husband hasn't prompted them (though neither of us feel they need to be taken by the hand to do something for us- they are old enough to come up with their own ideas and we are always there to take them shopping for the other parent), and I even made suggestions for what they could do since money was an issue. They just don't give a rat's butt about it.

My daughter is usually very thoughtful and does well for us at Christmas- she just doesn't make any efforts for birthdays. My son gave us a bag each of orange gummy slices for Christmas, and didn't even wrap them. Yet for someone he considers important, he's a very thoughtful kid. But he didn't do anything for anyone at Christmas this year. Not even the Grandmoms.

Just wondering how I should deal with this. I made sure this year for Christmas and their birthdays that they got something they really wanted and would appreciate (though they know funds are tight, they both cried when they got their Christmas gifts this year), but it's like we don't exist when our birthdays come around. Even if we got something that they made it wouldn't matter to us- as long as they actually put some real caring effort into it- not just dumping a cat on my lap.

Part of me wants to treat them the same way (at least for this year) just to see what happens and how they react. I can see one year of forgetting, but two in a row? That to me shows that they don't care- and that hurts.

any ideas? I told them last year how hurt I was, but it didn't sink in. :(

RobertaD 01-02-2013 06:15 AM

Personally I think 11 & 14 is a little young to come up with birthday & Chirstmas gifts on their own. I don't think kids of this age think that far in advance to come up with something that they created on their own. I know my kids 10 & 16 wouldn't come up with a gift on their own without several weeks of awareness and that would still require a shopping trip to buy the needed items.

Why doesn't Dad plan a special meal that he and the kids can fix and bake a cake for you?


cat lover 01-02-2013 07:30 AM

In our home we never expected the kids to make a deal of any sort for DH's nor my birthday; we don't feel it is their place. But if in your home you do I think the parent whose birthday it isn't should take the kids and assist them in making something for the parents for their birthday. A gift doesn't have to be a store bought item. And it doesn't have to really cost much is the thought that counts. They could make a coupon book with things they could do for you, little projects around the home or a coupon you could call in for them to make dinner or lunch one day. During good weather they could simply go outside and gather some wild flowers for a bouquet. So, rather than take it out on the kids and not doing something for their special day and making them feel bad lay the responsibility on the parent whose day it isn't if you believe something should be done.

Kwiltnwriter 01-02-2013 12:07 PM

We let them know well in advance, and usually they are really good at coming up with ideas. And no, I don't really expect a gift per se, but I'd like to see a little effort put into what they try to do!

If this was a teacher, or someone they wanted to give a gift to, you should see the effort they go to to do it! But when it comes to us, you'd think we fell off of the planet or something. Just frustrated at not being acknowledged.

bar_bar 01-04-2013 08:31 PM

I used to believe they should do something on thier own or ask to be taken out to buy a parent a gift. Now with grown kids I wished I would of taken more time in teaching them about buying.

I see in today social so many kids are thinking of thier own self, it seems to be a world of "Me" so if we do not teach them more about doing it, how will they learn. I feel now if we start teaching them when they are smaller then they will learn and do it more as they grow up.
I know with my gkids, I did teach them to buy and they are much better at doing things that other kids thier age.
so again I believe it is what we teach them, and don't wait for them to always do it on thier own for that might not happen.

Cooked 01-06-2013 02:14 PM

I understand what you are going through. It is difficult for sure. My kids run from 28 - 15. My 15 year old is creative, usually does something for us artistically (but she still lives at home).
We had our 25th anniversary and told stories about what we did for our parents, and - nothing. We had our 50th birthdays, nothing. We celebrated our 30th anniversary - nothing. Fathers Day - nothing. Birthday - him nothing, me a chocolate bar. I just don't get it. They expect big doings for them, and we have never dissapointed. It has just always been done in our house. I wonder if they are just thoughtless or are they selfish. I don't know. But if you figure it out, please pass on the knowledge. It hurts, it hurts a lot. Hugs to you.

cau 01-12-2013 09:03 AM

Cooked I would call a meeting & tell them since they forgot all the occasions I assume you donít want to exchange anymore so we will not be doing anything for them either. In my family a big thing is made of all birthdays. BDay person picks out a favorite for the meal & a cake is made. Gifts can be jobs done for another or even something from the $ store. When they were young they helped me make the meal now that they are adults they buy dinner either in a restaurant or take out or if $is tight they buy the fixings and we do it together. As adults there is a limit on what we spend for them as we are retired now but I still make a family meal of their favorites.

Haleys grandmom 05-07-2013 08:50 AM

I am so depressed and have no desire to keep going. My daughter that I adopted years ago and I have always had problems because she is involved with her maternal family. That has been a problem because of the grandmother since day one. Her biological father is my husband and her mother was killed when she was 6. She asked me if I would adopt her which I did and I do love her as my own. Always have always will. But now she is 28 has moved to another state is married to a guy her in my state and is pregnant with another guys baby. She and her husband have not been together for 5 years or more. The guy she is with is a sweetheart or was. The problem is she won't talk with me and told me in very foul language that she never wants anything to do with me and owes me nothing. this is tearing me apart and she is the type of person that would do this and not care. She has no feelings at all. She will smile and give you a kiss and turn around and stab you in the back. I'm worried because she has a horrible temper and she has a 7 year old by her husband and she has been taken away by the state a few times already. I know when she is pregnant she is a horrible person and she has mental problems also and can't take her meds when pregnant. I'm hurting mentally but what is she going to do to that baby and her 7 year old. She never calls me on my birthday or mothers day like she used to and we always could talk on the phone for hours. I don't know what I have done. I thought it was maybe I didn't call her when my mom passed but I checked with the phone company and I did. So I emailed her boyfriend and asked him to tell her that I and called. Well, I got my butt chewed by her because I bothered her boy friend at work. I thought she I'm not in her life and she owes me nothing. I have not asked her for anything but have bent over backwards when she would call for money or needed to talk. With loosing my mom and now loosing I guess the daughter I never had is killing me. I have no one left. No family at all. I have nothing left and I just don't care about anything now.

cau 05-07-2013 02:24 PM

Joyce your dd has mental problems unrelated to you, not your fault. Please get to the dr and talk to him/her about your depression. You have taken care of your mom for so many years and now with your passing you are lost

RobertaD 05-07-2013 03:47 PM

I agree with Cau, Joyce you need to talk to your doctor about your depression and maybe see a grief counselor or join a support group.


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