could use some advice and tips

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  • Our 20 y o son and his girlfriend moved in with us. This isn't the best idea but they were living on the streets. They were too scared to stay at their apartments in the same town as her parents. She comes from a very abusive family. Right now there is a court order against her parents because of the abuse. We live 40 miles away so I don't think they will be a problem. Gf has gallstones so she will be having surgery, hopefully we will find out when on Monday. Both ds and gf are bi polar. We have been letting them catch up on sleep and eating. We talked about rules before they moved in but now we need to go into detail. The problems I have noticed are they don't think laundry needs to be washed until it can stand up on its own, not picking up after herself (gf). Gf was complaining on how the basement smelled yesterday.... but they keep telling me the laundry is caught up. I know it isn't. On the plus side there hasn't been any brattiness, or temper fits. I will not tolerate them at all. She can really pout. I can ignore pouting. These kids have really been thru the mill. I have checked out thier stories about her parents and they are some rough druggies.The kids aren't lying to us. As for the legal stuff, domestic abuse is taking care of that. Gf has SSI but her mother is her proxie. Domestic is helping her change all of that. A woman from DA will be the proxie. This is a good woman, so that helps. Gf has no idea how to do anything including thinking. She goes from being shy and scared of us to attemping to take advantage of us. We are working on getting her into counseling. I am thinking about writing up a contract for all of us to sign. Is that asking too much?
  • I think a contract is a good idea with a list of responibilities personal & household (doing your own laundry, picking up after yourself, doing dishes X times a week, running the vacuum X times a week, cooking or helping X times a week, etc.). You will want guidelines on what activities you want going on in your home (smoking, drinking, sex, etc.) and what will happen if the rules are broken.

    I would talk to the DA about charging for room & board since she is receiving SSI she should be able to contribute to cover the increase in expenses you will incure.

  • bluebird....You have a good heart for people in trouble. Be careful what you sign with them. They would be better off just having a contract between the two of them.
    The income they pay you would be listed against you. Since you are applying for grants could be a problem.
    People on disability have a lot of rights and would be very hard afterwards trying to get her out of your home if you are not getting along. They are better off applying for affordable housing for people with disabilities maybe the DA can help. If they want to play house let them do it on their own.
    How is DH handling all this extra responsiblity with your Sons girlfriend? If she is always pouting could be a problem. You have come so far along with your schooling hate to see you get sick with all this.
    Hope she feels better after the gallbladder surgery.
    Usually these romances don't last to long when things start going wrong.
    Be careful she does not start accusing your family of abuse too.
    Seen it happen to alot of my friends whos sons dated girls they thought they were in love with.
  • They left last night with the clothes on thier backs. Gf got mad at us when we were trying to talk to them. I don't want her back in here either. They talked to the counselor last night, ds wanted to come back but she wants to go back to her parents. The counselor refused to call them. Hopefully ds and gf will break up then we can help ds get back on his feet.
  • Connie--Been thinking about you and your situation. Sounds like you have your hands full. Ds and gf both have plenty to work out for themselves before they can work on a relationship together. I agree that breaking up would probably be the best thing for your ds. Sounds like gf did not have much of a family life. Glad they have a counselor they can talk to. Do they listen?
    Sueanne had some good points to think about.
    Take care of yourself and your health too.
  • They listen but it takes forever to get it thru their heads. Ds wanted to come home last night but gf wants to go back to her mom and dad. They will end up killing her at some point in time. I have to go into town this pm, so th ehouse will be locked. I can't remember if ds has a key or not. If we can't remember or if he does, we will change the locks. I will take my laptop with me and any money in the house goes with me too. Ditto cell phones plus I will hide the other phones. If this keeps up, we will go to court and become ds guardian. Then we will put him someplace....... we have two choices. Maybe he needs to get into enough trouble and land in jail for a while. I tried to put him in the workcamp a few times but ds makes sure he isn't that bad.

    I worked my buns off this am on a quiz. I am off to rest before I run into town.
  • It reminds me so much ofa pupil I teach English too, although she is 16 right now. She has a borderline character and it takes ages to make her think that even if things are harder for her, she has to make the effort of thinkking that she cannot act that way, simply thinking on her inmediate wants. She is always calling the attention of her mother by the only way she knows, which is doing bad things. This way her mother simply decides to stay by her side, afraid of letting her alone for 5 minutes. I understand when you say that you think he needs to reach some dramatic end, like prison or whatever, this way he might rethink and change his attitude. If I were his mother maybe I would try to become guardian too, and send him somewhere where he doesnt need to settle for a normal living, but just getting on. Sounds harsh, I know... sometimes I can't sleep, worried because my pupil, so the idea of a son being that way makes me so sad. I wish your problems will get solved soon. Love
  • I will talk to the counselor who my son sees, keep her up to date. They are living with friends. He can come home when he decides to fly right. Her never. I won't have that crap in my house. She needs to be locked up. If he gets into trouble we can always ask the court to send him to work camp. I think we are done with our son until he decides to grow up.
  • Connie, I saw on another thread that your sons ex wants to pick up her things. I say tell them to make an itemized list, send it to you, and youwill pack it up and then she can come get it. Or write up the list for you and she can come pack it up herself while you watch over everything she packs. Cross it off as it is packed. If it isn't on the list she doesn't get it unless you know for certain that it is hers. Give her a number of days to come get it, say a week, if she doesn';t get it by then you are packing it up and putting it outside. But make sure she understands this.Send her a registered letter of this if necessary, be sure you have a copy of this so she can't say she wasn't informed of it.
  • Gf would have no idea what she had or not. She has some serious mental problems. I will put it in writing and keep a copy. Thanks for the great idea! We are trying to get a storage locker this weekend. Put some distance between us and them. I like the idea of a registered letter too! This sounds bad but I hope my son is suffering.... cuz he has put us thru hell. Plus this nasty druggy family knows where we live and they are angry at us.