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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 10-20-2006, 08:06 PM
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Connie, I had a similar situation with my DS. My in-laws are still mad at me for allowing him to live on the streets. I was the only one in the family for awhile who said that he is making a choice to live like this. When things get bad enough, he will change his life. However, he will not change as long as people are doing his thinking for him. They were either bringing him food or money or they were renting apartments for him. I told the family that this was more cruel than what I was doing. DH finally stopped as I put my foot down. Eventually, the grandparents told me that they would not interfere anymore. So, he was stuck not being able to eat or buy drugs or alcohol. He finally called around and found a rehab. He called and asked me if I would help him get to the rehab. I have previously told him that I would not help him destroy himself, but I would help him improve himself. He is now doing very well. He calls me all the time and is grateful for me letting him be an adult and make his own decisions.

With that being said, I am making the point that your DS and his GF are adults. If they choose to live on the streets, let them. If you let them live with you, you won't be teaching them responsibility or to think for themselves. As for the signing a contract? If they aren't keeping their verbal contracts, do you really think they will keep a written one? Unless they are incapable of making decisions due to mental illness, they should be allowed to make mistakes and live on their own. Be there for emotional support or to give advice when needed. I know that it is extremely tough to watch your own child suffer, but in the long run, he will grow and mature and be able to live on his own.

I hope I was able to explain everything well enough. There is a book, more for parents of children, but it will hold true for any age and it is called, "Raising Self Reliant Children In a Self Indulgent World." I believe it is by Stephen Glenn and Jane Nelson. This book advises parents to not bring children lunch money if they forget it. If a child misses 1 meal and can eat as soon as he/she gets home, it will teach him/her to use his/her brain rather than depend on the parents to do the thinking. This also goes for reminding them not to forget their school books, coat, and so on. The authors talk about parents running to catch Little Johhny so he won't fall off his bike and other things like this so that by the time he is grown, his brain doesn't develop like it should because he gets used to his parents doing his thinking. This may sound extreme, but I read it when mine were young and it really opened my eyes. I changed my parenting skills. My children were mad because I wouldn't bring them stuff that they forgot. They were mad when I didn't remind them to get things. I would just remind them that it was they who forgot, not me who forgot. Eventually, they became more and more responsible people. The authors also explain how children way back when HAD to remember to gather the eggs or milk the cow or the cow would stop producing milk and the family did without. Anyway, these are things that I learned and have worked for me.

Good luck Connie!
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Old 10-21-2006, 10:07 AM
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Connie another suggestion, have the police available when the girl comes for her things. Just go to the police station and explain that they are more than likely going to cause trouble so you'd appreciate them on hand that day.
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Old 10-22-2006, 01:23 PM
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Connie,

You poor thing! I had a terrible flash back reading this blog. Been there, done that, NEVER do it again.

I have 3 children who are bipolar - one is so bright it is scary, she finally takes care of her self, although she won't speak to us as I packed up her stuff and told her to be out in 12 hours for breaking our verbal contract, OK by me. [men in the house @ 3 am with younger kids in the house and wearing next to nothing] -2nd is a master at manipulating & been in every jail in this area (TX) and one in PA. NOTHING anyone has done has helped because someone always rescues! I have refused all communication with the 2nd (almost 34 yo), who her P.O.s say is dangerous and a sociopath.

The 3rd is a minor child, and I am stressing all the time. I don't allow her to charge ANYTHING at school cafeteria. If she forgets her lunch, oh well! I don't take books to school, etc. She forgot her key in her sty of a room and called me on my cell to complain about me not being home, oh well! I told her that I knew it was hot out, that is why I had the air on in the car....and, I told her that I knew that it was hot outside the door but cool inside the door of her room where her key was. If she doesn't put her clothes in the laundry, I don't go looking for them.

AT some age kids or all ages have to know that you are not going to do for them what they CAN do, if they wanted to. I tell mine, if I care more about what happens to you than you do...then YOU have a problem.

You have to at sometime draw a line. And I ask other parents this, If his parents (you) disappeared tomorrow, who would take care of him? Just like you don't want the girlfriend there at your house,,,,,someone will not want your son there either. And could you blame them?

Sorry to be so harsh, but I am tired of parents taking on so much that doesn't belong to them. A lesson learned sooner is better than later.

Barbara
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Old 10-22-2006, 04:43 PM
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Today we dicussed his meals in town. He can not afford to eat out all the time and neither can we! He will be brown bagging it or taking food that can be heated up in a micro. He couldn't remember IF the place he works at has one but he remember he has one. He will ask at work if he can bring his microwave in to use.

Dh laid down the law today about taking showers, keeping his room clean and doing his laundry. He would like to do his laundry on Sun. We won't use them on Sun.

I have found myself refusing to rehash something. I will and have turned my back on him saying ... I NEED to .

Right now he is really scared. I didn't post here due to lack of time but he was in the ICU Sat. It looked like the begins of a heart attack. He does have heart problems and hasn't been taking his meds for months. Maybe he will be better about taking his meds now.

I will not do his laundry or allow anyone else to do it. I will not pick up after him or clean his room. In fact he insisted on packing up the exgfs stuff. It didn't get in the car but it is packed up. Half a step forward?

I have seen that he is listening to good music too.
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Old 10-22-2006, 05:10 PM
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Connie, is he out of the hospital now? It seems that males take longer to mature than girls, so hang in there.
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Old 10-22-2006, 05:22 PM
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Connie I'm glad to hear that your son is taking baby steps taking responsiblity for his life.

If there are any Al-Anon meetings in your area they would help you and your family learn how to take a stand and not feel guilty for not doing for him. He will have to hit bottom before he decides to get clean and stay that way.

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Old 10-22-2006, 05:22 PM
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Yes he is home. We think he did have a small heart attack but the doctors here...... gee the one we had, had two patients in ICU but ran out of time to see them in the am, then he had clinic then he had to get home to watch the game. Plus when the nurses tried to call him, he refused to answer his phone. This is one of the better doctors here.
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Old 10-22-2006, 05:25 PM
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If there are any Al-Anon meetings in your area they would help you and your family learn how to take a stand and not feel guilty for not doing for him. He will have to hit bottom before he decides to get clean and stay that way.

?????? He isn't on drugs he is bipolar. Due to his heart if he would try drugs or drinking he would be dead before he hit the floor.
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Old 10-22-2006, 05:33 PM
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I'm sorry I miss understood I thought he was doing drugs along with the girlfriend and her family.

Roberta
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Old 10-22-2006, 06:13 PM
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That okay. He doesn't do drugs just runs around with people that do. What we need is a common sense pill!
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