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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 05-29-2007, 04:21 PM
KSJEn6891's Avatar
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I can understand the small wedding compared to the large wedding theory. One of my sister's had a huge wedding, but they had to go to the church twice as they forgot one important step in their huge wedding ceremony. Since that day all my mother could say was "if you ever get married it better be a small intimate ceremony for the family." When I came to my parents 17 years ago to "invite" them to our small wedding ceremony, my other just about fell offf her chair with "How dare you's and how dare you not's." First she was upset that I had my whole wedding planned from the bridal shower all the way down to the middle of the reception, then she was upset that my future hubby had everything from the middle of the reception to the day after our wedding planned, and if that wasn't bad enough she was upset that we didn't "ask" for help from them to pay for the small wedding we wanted. As Imentioned earlier my guest list was setup (by my mother "only") of 75 invited guests which consisted of brides family and brides parents friends at the top (many of whom I didn't even know they had), then my FIL's family and their friends (many we did know, and their list was almost as small as ours was), and then dead last were our friends. My mother even tried to tell me who was/was not going to be in our wedding. At some point and time Ihad to get my sister (the mega wedding ceremony already on the rocks 3 years later) to intervene w/our mother's plan for me to wear white on my wedding day instead of the antique cream which suited my skin and hair color at the time.
And then after we were instructed as to what colors we could/couldn't have for our wedding court (one best man, matron of honor and a flower girl, plus bride & groom) in the 2nd week of January (which she also tried to get me to change), she had the gonads to say "at least you did it better then__________" On our wedding video tape (which the video-ographer didnt think to clip out!. Anyway... I really hope for Mimi's son and his bride their lives finally got to be the way they wanted it to be after the wedding, I know mine and my hubbies has been multiple times better (and we don't have children - other then pets, yet). :} Sorry about the ranting/raving.
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  #22 (permalink)  
Old 05-29-2007, 04:37 PM
Bilby's Avatar
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That sounds like your mum was planning her wedding wannabe not what you wanted.
In my estimate a wedding is the bride and grooms family and friends not the parents friends and people you do not now or have never met.
My wedding including the wedding party of 6 (including us) was 47 people, that were most important to us at that time.
If you want to do more have a huge party, bring your own drink and you supply the food, when you come back from your honeymoon, and be less formal, but that is just me. LOL My 20 anniversary is up this aug.

There has to be a solution to the main post that is beneficial to the important people, the bride and groom, and you will never be able to keep every one completely happy, an impossible task.

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  #23 (permalink)  
Old 05-29-2007, 06:12 PM
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Weddings...the time that should be one of the happiest can turn into the event from you-know-where. I'll tell you what we did when my daughter got married last year.
BTW, we are Ozzies and I have never heard of a formal rehearsal dinner. (When dh and I got married 9 yrs ago we had the rehaersal for ourselves, the attendants and the minister and organist. That was it. Over in 40 minutes. Then we went home and had a very casual dinner, prepared by a friend from out of town while we were at the rehearsal.)
Back to dd and s-i-l... they wanted a small, adults only wedding and because they had been living together they didn't feel we should pay. (We didn't mind helping though.) Because there are lots of cousins and nieces and nephews ther was lots of pressure from people as to who and what they should do, have as attendants etc, they were so fed up they were about to call it off. I said we were ok if they wanted to elope or to go to a registry office. Dd agreed they should just go away and get married as long as her step-dad and I were there. So that set the plan in motion. They booked their special day at an island off the Queensland coast (a 3+ hour flight away from melbourne) where there was an all-inclusive cost for a 3-day package. Then the invitations went out in March for the October wedding so that everyone had time to save, budget whatever. The set up was the guests paid their own way - it was $1000.00 each, and they said DEFINITELY NO PRESENTS. They organised a deal with the airline so cheaper fares were offered. There were 80 invited, 25 were at the wedding including dd, sil, us, his parents. We all flew up on the same flight.They met the celebrant the morning of the wedding. In their invitations they included a letter saying they understood many people would be unable to attend but wanted them to know there would be a celebration after the wedding,back here in Melbourne and they would be invited to that. Dh and I paid for dd, sil, us, dd's brother to go. We also paid an extra amount to have a different meal for the reception. Sil's father paid for the alcohol.
DD looked absolutely beautiful, the day was perfect, casual, relaxed etc and one of the best weddings I have ever attended. Yes, I am biased but that's what others said too. We were disappointed that my mum was unable to go as this is the first grandchild to be married and she is the only grandparent. But we talked about it and it was all ok.
Then 1 month after the wedding they had an After Wedding party, a buffet supper, with dj, at a hall in Mt. Martha, an outer suburb where they live, attended by about 90 people. We all dressed up in our wedding gear again, they had a beautiful cake made by my sister, they played a dvd of wedding photos all night and it was great.
Sure, not everyone's choice but it was terrific for them and us.
Sometimes I think the smaller the better, and if you have put $$ aside for your child's big day, give them the cash - that is a whole lot more useful. Cost us about a third of what most weddings these days are - in excess of $30,000.00 now I believe!
Just my thoughts. Hope it all goes well, Mimi.
God bless,
(Lynne - praying for )

"Love people, not things.
Use things, not people"

Last edited by hemlynne; 05-29-2007 at 06:16 PM.
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  #24 (permalink)  
Old 06-01-2007, 09:57 AM
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Hi everyone and thank you,
I've enjoyed catching up on all the suggestions and love every one of them (I've even thought of the donation jar, but I'm afraid the mother of the bride would just pass out). I'm trying to be good and go with the flow but it's getting harder and harder. In an effort to work with everyone, I called about renting a tent, tables and chairs so we could have everyone at the rehearsal meal that the mother wants there. Well, by the time I rent the tent, tables, chairs and pay the caterer for the 125 + people, I'm looking at $4000+. This is crazy.
For an evening that I wanted to be relaxing and enjoyable for everyone has turned into a semi-formal event. No more.
That said, I have decided that I will limit the number of guests and I will send out invitations and I will stand my ground. Does this sound out of line?

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  #25 (permalink)  
Old 06-01-2007, 10:13 AM
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Originally Posted by mimi2
That said, I have decided that I will limit the number of guests and I will send out invitations and I will stand my ground. Does this sound out of line?

Mimi, way to go!!! I think you are doing well. The rehearsal dinner is supposed to be for the wedding party after they have rehearsed. If the mother of the bride doesn't like it, tell her that she is more than welcome to put on the rehearsal dinner herself. You can be nice when you say it. But, if you are the hostess of the party, you should be able to invite whomever you wish.

Mimi, just know that we are here to support you as many of us have grown children and have gone through similar situations. I have had a couple of run-ins with my DD's mil, but not during the wedding. (Thankfully, the maid of honor told her off. lol) Dealing with family is always so difficult.
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  #26 (permalink)  
Old 06-01-2007, 10:19 AM
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Location: Loveland, CO
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I think that what you want to do sounds just fine. At both of my daughters weddings they just had the brides and grooms family and all of the rest of the wedding party at their rehersal dinners. But I would limit your dinner to just those individuals necessary. And if the mother of the bride wants more people invited, ask her if she's willing to pay for the additional costs?

Hope you get some rest before the big event.
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  #27 (permalink)  
Old 06-01-2007, 10:49 AM
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Thank you, Vicky. I thought of that too. I don't want to sound tacky, but I don't want this to be like the reception. The mother is living her dream wedding and make the children "suffer" through it.
But then, I always wondered what a $100,000 wedding looked like. Guess I'll find out in October.

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  #28 (permalink)  
Old 06-01-2007, 02:41 PM
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No it's not tacky it's good thinking, as someone else said why have a huge rehersal dinner then a wedding? You'd have done it twice.

Me personally I don't understand the $ aspect, you set a budget. (you stick to it within reason you do get the unexpected) Where do these people think the unlimited $ are coming from?

Good luck Mimi

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  #29 (permalink)  
Old 06-01-2007, 04:29 PM
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Hi Mimi,
I think that you are in good standing if you politely explain that you will host a rehersal dinner for only the wedding party participants. You can add that if the bride's mother wants to host an additional pre-wedding party, she is certainly free to do so. Good luck with everything. My son's wedding is coming up later this month and will keep my fingers crossed for both you and I!!
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  #30 (permalink)  
Old 06-01-2007, 04:35 PM
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Location: Greensburg, PA
Posts: 8,381
I look at it this way, if you a paying for the dinner you should have final say in everything including guests, the meal place the drinks whether or not to have them other than sodas of course or coffee. If they want mixed drinks or beer, they can cough up the money for it.
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