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Marriage Marriage is a huge comittment, one that has many ups and downs. Get support and advice here.

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Old 07-04-2003, 10:02 AM
CulinaryJen's Avatar
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abear:

America is 227 years old?! Where did the time go? I remember the bicentennial. It seems like last week.

Today, my husband and I took the DSs (2) to our local parade. My eldest (3) was thrilled to see the fire trucks etc. My youngest (6 months) thought it was great!

I am going to make an Argentine Steak tonight. Let the steak sit on the counter with salt on it until it comes to room temperature. Then grill. We will have corn on the cob and potatoes...all on the grill as it is VERY hot in NJ.

We will not be going to see the fireworks today. One reason, is the traffic. We are only 55 miles from NYC, AND everyone from NYC is down here for the weekend. Plus, my dog is afraid of fireworks. So, I am afraid that if I leave, the house will be destroyed. She's almost 14, so I don't think she will outgrow it. ;-)

My husband and I had a slight disagreement today. SHortly after my mother died (May), he said we should invite my brother to come here for Thanksgiving. He has never been here, and he could drive her in about 8 hours. So, I did. My brother is the type that cannot commit to anything. So, when I called him today, I put some pressure on him.

Later, my husband told me that my brother needs to tell us if he's coming by the end of the month, so he knows whether to buy plane tickets to CA. ( ) APPARENTLY, he spoke with his father and told him we would come for Thanksgiving OR Xmas. (Xmas, we were going to spend it with my mother and syepfather. Now, that my mother has passed away, I feel I still need to go, as my stepfather raised me since I was 11, and I am closer to him than my real father.) I brought this up with my husband...I, also, brought up why he had not run the whole CA idea passed me.

To sum things up...my husband has a problem with talking things over with me. He feels that IF (for example) I ask him to take the trash out. To me: I am asking for help, as I need it. To him: I am telling him what to do. So, he sees that IF I say "no" to his ideas, that I am telling him we cannot see his father (for example). Which I would never do. The last time this happened was just in January. I received a letter from my husband's aunt in CA. She was SO excited we were coming this summer. So, I asked him what that was all about. He had told them that we may come. Did I know anything about it? No. IN the end, we did not go. Which was good as my mother died, and I needed to be with her before, and to be with my family after.

Anyway...he needs to put his wife first...not his father. He is not a bachelor anymore, he is a husband. And I will see to it that he learns. :mad:

Have a great 4th!
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Old 07-04-2003, 10:12 AM
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Jen Jen Jen..... ok, before it gets really ugly, which it can, believe me when I say that, please arrange for counseling. Hubby has to understand that when you ask for help it's for help, because you can't do it all. Your husband has a problem with communication, and you really need to get with a professional marriage counselor to help y'all get through to each other.

He should have discussed the California trip with you!.... I totally agree with that. It's a major decision, it's not like going to the corner convenience store....and even then, he should ask if you need anything.

That's a rough time of the year to travel with 3 children!...Can't his family come to you?? it's easier for adults to travel without kids, especially on the 2 busiest holidays....

My son that's an adult will be coming either a week before or a week after so as not to deal with the traveling on those days....and I' m all for it.....

Please get some counseling..... IF he won't go, YOU go. It will help you deal with him. *sigh*
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Old 07-04-2003, 10:34 AM
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Jen,
You have my sympathies on the communication problem. My DH of 23 yrs has much the same problem with discussing things with me ahead of making a decision. At 69yo I don't see much hope of his changing, but you are so young and have a long life ahead of you, Please do get help now even if he won't go with you, it will help you to learn how to handle it without a resentment building up and causing serious problems later on. Maybe if he is reluctant to go you can tell him that you owe it to your children to resolve this difference for a harmonious home life for all concerned. My DH flatly refused counseling of any sort, but is willing to accept my decision to go along with him or not. Of course if we had children to consider that would not be an acceptable solution, but at our age it works out ok. God be with you in this trying situation.
Latriece
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Old 07-04-2003, 11:16 AM
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latriece...what a beautiful name...*s*... It's never to late for help...but if you can manage, that's good. Have you tried counseling for yourself? It might help you to communicate.. there are some techiques you can use to get the talk flowing.... *s*
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Old 07-04-2003, 12:36 PM
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Jeannie,
Thank you for the compliment on my name. I wish I could feel the same way about it, but I have never liked it and at one time even considered going to court & getting it changed, but by then it was on all of the kids school & medical records, etc. and I decided that it would be more hassle than it was worth.
In answer to your question, no, I haven't gone to counseling as such, but I have worked with a Pastor on communication skills, and while mine are not 'stellar' there has been no approach to this situation that has not been met with the stock answer of "This is how I am and have always been." Indicating that there is no desire to make any effort to change. I'm beginning to think that could be a part of the reason that I am #4 wife for him. I think though that I have a bit mor stick to it than the first 3, since I have made it to 23yrs and have no desire nor intention to allow a chance for a #5. I stuck 20 yrs with my ex, in spite of his drinking, nasty temper, womanizing, & physical abuse, so I think that I can weather this storm since the One at the helm of my boat is now Jesus & not me.
Latriece
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Old 07-05-2003, 03:13 AM
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Jen, I am in the same boat as far as DH making family plans without me....I will be reading this with interest.




I have one hint for you about the helping with the trash thing....preface your request with, "Can you help me out by...."
Maybe then he will get it, that you just need a hand. With 2 little guys around, every mom needs a hand!

BTW, I loved the pic of your boys that you posted. No doubt that they are brothers, and very happy guys.
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