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Marriage Marriage is a huge comittment, one that has many ups and downs. Get support and advice here.

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Old 06-23-2006, 06:53 AM
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Sad face Fighting About Money

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting in quite awhile & I need some opinions. DH & I are constantly fighting about money & I always get the blame for all our money problems. I will start out with, he has a hobby raising chickens for **** fighting & he went every weekend the past 2 months throwing away money. I took up quilting, cross stitching & crocheting recently but we don't have any extra money for my hobbies just his. Thing is I realized he has been putting off paying bills & not paying them. I am a SAHM & I have to ask for money like a child b/c he never gives me any & when I do spend money on gas, food or neccessities, which I never have money for, he gripes & we get into it. So the past few months I have been taking his cc's out of his wallet to use & buying stuff w/o him knowing & hiding what I do buy then pulling it out in a few weeks to use. Sometimes he asks when I got it & I will tell him a few weeks ago. We have 2 boys 10 & 11 & they have needed shoes the past month or 2 (they have huge holes in them) & he keeps promising them he will get some "this weekend" every weekend would pass & they have been so upset so I went out last night to get them shoes. I told the boys to leave them in the car so DH wouldn't know, pretty sad it has come to this. I used a CC I recently got to buy them. My boys are always asking why dad can spend & get whatever he wants but we can't & why he is always griping at me about me spending money. DH has recently started the "It's MY money I can do what I want!!!" I can't work b/c I have Interstitial Cystitis & Divercolitis (sp) and I have been waiting for 2 yrs to have my SSDI hearing which keeps getting bumped farther.
DH & I divorced once for other reasons but remarried 2 yrs ago. The boys want us to divorce again - pretty sad your own kids don't want to be here either, but I don't want to go thru another divorce. Everything was going great until a few months ago. My twin sister keeps telling me to leave b/c even when I've been or seemed happy she said I never really do look happy. She says I deserve someone who will treat me better & WANT to do more things for me & with me which DH never does anything with us either. I could go on & on but I won't.
HELP!!!!
Marlene

Last edited by MsSmiley; 06-23-2006 at 06:55 AM. Reason: spelling
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Old 06-23-2006, 10:29 AM
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Hi, I'm Jo-Anne. Wow! I feel badly for your situation. It sounds like its a whole lot more than money, right? And you are fortunate to have a sister who can support you emotionally. I think maybe you are at a place where you need to carefully consider yourself and your boys. What is the benefit in staying (other than you don't want to go through another divorce). What is the benefit of leaving? I know supporting yourself must be heavy on your mind. You have many more years on this earth, only you can chose how to spend them.
I wish for you the best.
Jo-Anne
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Old 06-25-2006, 12:44 AM
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Marlene - Does your husband know that you use the cc and what does he say? I have to agree with Jo-Anne that it does seem to be more of than just money. Please check out the other threads on divorce as they give some good advice.

His "hobby" is illegal and has fines associated with it if he should get caught.
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Old 07-02-2006, 07:35 PM
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Girl, get your hubby and yourself to counseling. Money is power, and he is using it to control you and your kids. Your children should not suffer for shoes and other necessities. Ask him, if the roles were reversed, how would he feel to beg for money???? If he won't go, go alone, but go.
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Old 07-03-2006, 07:20 AM
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I have to ditto Cyncerp - counseling is the first thing. Second, check out this article:
http://psychcentral.com/library/domestic_injuries.htm

Your husband seems to be abusing you emotionally and psychologically. He is controlling you by isolating you and controlling your ability to take care of the family. If you can't afford counseling, locate and go to your local abused women's shelter and talk to the counselors there. Lay out the entire scenario with all the things that are going on, have gone on, etc. They can guide you either way once you have made your decision either to stay or go.

The fact that he is involved in a violent "hobby" like chicken fighting is a red flag for him becoming violent with you and the boys. Don't wait until you have black eyes, bloody nose and bruises on your body to get away. If he seems to be escalating, get out immediately!

Get a good SSDI attorney to help you. You've waited too long for it to go through. Push for that hearing. At that point you will be financially independent of your H and can get on Medicaid/Medicare, and probably get the boys on Medicaid. You also may become eligible for food stamps, depending on the SSID monthly income.

I hope you will keep us posted on how you are doing!

{{{HUGS}}}
Elizabeth
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Old 07-03-2006, 08:24 AM
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Gee Marlene, I am sorry for your problems... My first husband was similar to yours... He would get paid every week and give me $75-80 and expected me to pay the bills and get groceries...(however this was years ago). My paycheck was used to pay the babysitter for my 3 daughters, heating oil, rent, electricity, water bill (we lived in town limits). I was also expected to pay all of the car insurance. He insured himself at work (health ins.) but would not carry the girls- that was also my job... The only bill he paid was his own car/truck payment and of course he always had a NEW one! I finally got fed up as the girls and I could not afford to go anywhere, maybe to a movie or roller skating once a month. I finally left him which was a frightening experience as I didn't know how I would make it on my income alone- but I did it. Many adjustments were made and after 6 months or so of struggling everything finally worked out and I found another job.He put me down for everything I did, nothing was good enough for him. Also after I left he would call me and accuse me of having a man friend... It wasn't so-but of course that way he assumed he'd put me on a guilt trip. I was married to him a total of 15 years, and the last 8 years of it was without him. He told me that nobody would have a woman with 3 kids - and really be serious about the relationship. Well I did meet my husband 8 1/2 years after leaving him and remarried and had another child and my husband was wonderful with my daughters and he stepped in at the time that they are the toughest -the teens! Hold your head up and get the help that you need to get you through this. You will be glad you did. Best of luck to you and your family.
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Old 07-03-2006, 09:58 AM
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Sad face Girl I am so sorry

I would give you a big hug if I could. Girl you have to do what many have suggested. You need an attorney to push your ssdi. It should never have been allowed to get this far. Further it is very much abuse that he won't take care of you and the kids, by denying you the basic necessities. I am sure it is scary, but I think you really need to consider at the very least separating. I understand not wanting to divorce, but one thing I have learned in this life there are times we just have to do what we don't want to. There are many groups out there that can help you just have to reach out and ask it. If you go to church they can be a huge source of help. If there is anything I can do to help please let me know.
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Old 07-09-2006, 06:07 AM
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possible solution

Is it possible for you to get a job doing something from home? I do family daycare and fundraising and am getting ready to get into a biz with air purifiers. They are saying if you are willing to give a little time that the product sells itself and you can make really good money. I only do a couple fundraisers a year and the daycare kids just arent around so it doesn't pay the bills. Let me know if you are interesting in any of these and I'll try to help you.

My husband and I fought about money issues all the time, but we were both working 50 hours a week and still couldn't get ahead. The financial world is tough these days.

Tammy
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Old 07-24-2006, 11:48 AM
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fighting about money

hi mssmiley..been there done that...agree with most above, but..first on SS, get an attorney; they take some out of your ck if they win; it can up to 2 years to win. do you have everything about your illness documented, have you ever been treated/on medication for depression, have you been told you can "work" even something other than what you did in the past? if you are taking any medication for depression, sad to say it will help getting SS. i was fortunate? to get ss three months after i filed tho it was for chemical imbalance..ironically i was diagnosed with ms soon thereafter..that (ms) is a hassle! no biggie! now..the problem is really not about money. HE has major problems and truthfully he will never admit something is wrong with him NEVER. Get counseling for U!!! Divorce..girlfriend, you deserve SO MUCH better out of life than this!!Contact a WOMAN attorney, depending upon what state you live, you can get him out of the house and get temporary support for the kids - do not leave..you CAN empower yourself once you realize through counseling, your great sister and family, oh, take $ from his wallet (survival) but why tell him? what about his family? are the grandparents/bro/sisters close to the kids? WITHOUT telling him go to them IN SECRET, tell them money is tight (but not why) can we borrow $ for shoes/food/essentials..apologize and say Hubby with pay back. If he blows up, which he will, just say OK and walk away. If you have to do it again, do it. since you did it this time and told him..play the blonde and say duh..it's not my wallet..be more responsible or the cat must have taken it. THIS SITUATION IS HIS..HIS..HIS problem. don't ALLOW yourself to be sucked into verbal battles with him! It will only be and get worse..my put me in the hospital in a comotose state for two weeks. By the grace of God i woke up..had an epithany..told him the past crap was HIS problem..and since that day have been so joyful! Email me, if you want to and will tell you how I handle it now..it's a riot! lol lol ..there are steps you can begin to take on your own NOW. need help in that, i am sure we girls can help further by one on one email contact with you and PRAYER. funny..you CAN sell items in your home for money; accumulate things and have a garage sale at your sisters (survival) don't tell him..could go on and on..who pays the credit card..is it in both your names? if he is the primary holder he will be responsible for payment legally. they will, for nonpayment go after him first. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM!!!! just to yourself and your kids.it's called tough love. tho in my case it was called "this As.. needs a reality check" lol lol lol oh, he has turned into a real sweet cool dude since! after 20 years about time! sorry babble here...let me know your thoughts..hugs, so so many prayers for you and kids.
Say this as a prayer: Lord, help me be responsible for the quality of my life and my own happiness; help me change what I can and let go of the rest...beginning today and everyday.
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Old 07-24-2006, 12:23 PM
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[QUOTE][His "hobby" is illegal and has fines associated with it if he should get caught./QUOTE]

I agree, if he is doing this hobby he is risking costing you more money in the long run in fines and arrests. I know that every couple araegues about money so you and your DH need to sit down and talk about what to do as a family. jmo You should come to an argreement.
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