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Marriage Marriage is a huge comittment, one that has many ups and downs. Get support and advice here.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 10-02-2004, 12:28 PM
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boy, did this subject hit a nerve with me and stir up some painful memories......
8 years ago when i met my husband i found a stash of mags at his place. when i moved in i cleaned house. EVERYTHING that i didn't like went - first were the mags. he said some were collectors items because of how old they were or something like that but i could not care less. the next to go were pictures of the psychotic broad he was dating before me and some horrid "glamor shots" with some other ugly broad. the final pics to go were the cheesy wedding pics of his first marriage - it was a double wedding with his sister. even though it ended badly (came home to find her in bed with someone else) he had them still because his sister was in the pics. again, i could care less and out they went. i explained to him how i felt about all of it and why it bothered me to have it around. about a year later right after the birth of our son i went looking for him and found him in his storage room at the apartment complex where we lived. there he was, looking at a magazine. i lost it. i ripped it out of his hands and walked away. i was livid - i had just had our son and i was just past the 6 week mark and had encouaged him to have sex with me with no luck. to see him with a magazine was insulting and hurtful. i wasn't in the process of trying to lose weight after a baby like women usually are - i was back to my skinny self right after the baby so all i could think was that wasn't good enough. also, why the magazine when he could have the real thing? he tried to tell me that he found it in the trash but it was brand new - yeah, right. i am not an idiot. after he saw how devastated i was he never got one again. if he has had a moron moment and gotten one since then he has concealed it well. i hope he hasn't has been that retarded..lol i can't buy into this "boys will be boys" mentality ..that they are "visual".and that it is o.k. to have the fantasy....etc. if he wants to have a fantasy i want to be at the center of attention. i don't think that is too much to ask for. if he wants a variety he should have stayed single. on my marriage certificate it has only two people - him and me. not him, me and a dozen broads from magazines. and i insist it stay that way...lol
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  #12 (permalink)  
Old 10-06-2004, 09:19 AM
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I know he looks

While dating we both decided hey...we look...i might glance at the guy in front of me at line in the nice jeans..or he might glance at the girl with a 2 sizes to small Tshirt but as long as it stops there and its not obvious i guess its OK..

as for the magazines
I found one he forgot to hide...and left it on the sofa when he got home he was so embarassed he threw it out...i walked in on him once looking at a site just told him too..bad you just missed out on the real deal...and he apologized...im sure theres a magazine here or there and now he deletes the history of the computer..

but we talked i told him my feelings and how i didnt want to see or find that nonsense in the house....but hes concious of how it makes me feel, i know he loves me the way i am..ive been bigger and smaller and hes always been as passionate, If you cant discuss it then you cant get over it...

as long as its just a peek here or there and not something detremental then boys will be boys....

lets just hope i can rememeber that when ben is 13....
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  #13 (permalink)  
Old 10-06-2004, 11:03 AM
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Bensmom526, what you said makes a lot of sense. If he chooses to look at porn occasionally then fine as long as it is only occasionally, it doesn't affect your marriage and your child (children) are not exposed to it then that's ok. It is so nice that he respects your feelings. That is so important. My husband has promised me over and over and over that he would not bring it into the house and then I find some recent magazine and I get upset, more that he lied to me even that just at him buying the magazine. The respect for my feelings is missing. I am not a prude but I know I do not want my children subjected to pornography. My sons are 10 and almost 15 and my daughter is 17. I want them to grow up healthy and happy and not become addicted to pornography (or anything else for that matter). Once they are adults then they will have to make their own choices but I feel if as parents we set a good example then they will hopefully make good choices. I have tried explaining that to my husband but I think he either doesn't get it or is addicted and can't stop. I really don't know. I just know that I don't feel my feelings are being respected and that he isn't thinking about his children. Anyway, you are lucky to have such an understanding husband. I am impressed.
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  #14 (permalink)  
Old 10-06-2004, 12:52 PM
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Men don't look at the women in those mags the way you do. They mostly look at their sexual parts and what the women are doing, not at how their bodies are so thin and smooth and how they look better than you think you do. They are usually not wishing their wives look the same way or being disappointed in the way their wife does look, they just want to get off without anyone saying "me first" or "do you think I look fat?".

Basically, they want to let off some steam which is made much easier when they see images related to having sex without having to actually please someone else. Does that seem selfish? It might be, but as long as I don't have to watch, I'm ok with it. My dh always says I look great and he always wants to touch me, even though I know he sometimes doesn't need me to expend some of his sexual energy. Always expecting your dh to only see you in his fantasies probably makes it so he feels guilty about accidentally having a dream about some other person, even though he can't control it. Guilt will destroy a marriage.

If your man seems to have a problem and excessively looks at dirty mags and websites, then you might need to worry, but if you think your guy isn't sneaking it every now and then, you're dillusional. It may not be right in the eyes of God (Which is why I don't look at stuff like that myself), but you can't control every aspect of what your dh chooses to do. You also can't take away his memories if he has a past just by getting rid of his pictures and other things.

Honestly ask your dh why he feels he needs these vices and if you can fulfill some of his fantasies instead. If he just uses the mags to make it quicker for him to get off, don't feel like it's because he doesn't want you, he probably just doesn't want to go through all the extra stuff he has to do to make love to you. Men are a bit lazy now and then, you know?

Like I said, it's not about you or the women in the mags, it's about relieving some pressure in the quickest and most effective way, without having to please anyone else. You could always offer your body and tell him it's ok if you don't get to finish if you want him to only see your privates. It's your choice. Just tell him when you want the full deal, so he won't always do a quickie.

Good luck!
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Old 10-06-2004, 02:21 PM
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in no way did i think i was going to erase his memories. i just didn't need to be given a visual and have it stare me in the face.
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Old 10-10-2004, 03:00 PM
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Maybe its naive of me..

what if you bought him a box..with a lock on it..he can only keep it there and it must be out of site....sometimes you have to give a little... I agree with your stance about the children but if you guys are fighting about this and it becomes a strain than that is bad for them too...maybe out of sight out of mind might ease the stress....


Nancy
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Old 10-10-2004, 03:04 PM
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I forgot..on a lighter note

I was talking about the porn issue and men's fascination with my husband....

his response " Hey just cause I have the MONA LISA at home that doesnt mean I should stop going to the museum"

Yes I know MONA LISA isnt a beauty queen but the sentiment was sweet..i understood what he meant....

just wanted to add a giggle to the thread...

nancy
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Old 09-25-2009, 11:34 AM
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I am going on 19 years of marriage, my DH has only had one of those mags, and I bought it for him back in the early 1990's - we shared it, talking about the articles, interviews, jokes, and YES, the fake printed women. Fake because they are either airbrushed and/or surgically reconstructed (implants, lipo, etc)... He hasn't bought one, regardless of how many tiimes I ask him if he wants his own subscription, the answer is always the same "no." On the other hand, I grew up with my dad having had the "girlie" magazines and calendar in his garage and my mom had her roving eye - they are celebrating their 44th year next month. When I asked them how they have lasted so long? they both replied "respect for each other and that they were married not dead."
At age 12 (over night in fact) I went from a t-shirt to a 20B and no training bra. By 22 I was a size 16 pants, not petite, and 30C. I am hitting 42 in January, I wear a size 26 in pants, I have not "borne" in any children (in fact I have never gotten past the 1st trimester), and I currently wear a size 40C. Why did I share all of that with you, because I am comfortable with who I am, and for what ever purpose my DH could care a less if we have one of the "girlie" magazines or adult movies in our house, and I accept him for it, just as I accepted my dad's garage, and my parents marriage ideals.
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Old 09-26-2009, 07:50 AM
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This has happen here b4 and I just laughed it aoff but I did let him know that I knew about his "collection"...
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Old 10-10-2009, 08:51 AM
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Wow I guess I am the odd woman out...my husband has never had any of those magazines...thankfully he respects me not to even think about buying them let alone bringing them into our home...

Smiles & Hugs...
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