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Just for Grandparents Here is a special place for all our proud grandparents to share their stories with us and other grandparents.

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Old 05-13-2004, 01:15 PM
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Grandparent, Do you feel partially responsible for raising your grandchildren?

If so, Do you do it willingly or do you do it because you feel that your child/children arent responsible enough to raise their kids? Does your children expect you to do it?


This is one subject that has always bothered me. I see adult children ( in their 20s-30s) expecting their own parents to watch their kids while they work or even when they go out with their friends. My sister, although I love her, was famous for doing this with my father. She is quite irresponsible, although I think a lot of has to do with the fact that she was the baby of the family to two older parents and if she ever got into trouble, they would always rescue her.

I see this everyday when I pick my son up at school. There are numerous grandparents waiting to pick up their grandkids and alot of them gripe about how their chidren cant take care of themselves let alone a child. Im just wondering why they continue to support their children's behavior? What if you just said "NO!"?
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Old 05-29-2004, 11:03 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by ajrsmom
I'm just wondering why they continue to support their children's behavior? What if you just said "NO!"?
I don't have any grandbabies.........yet. DD will be getting married within the next year (hopefully! ). So maybe I'll have grandbabies within 2-3 years.

Anyway, getting back to your post.

I see that a lot too. I think perhaps they do it because they are afraid of two possibilities:

1. Their children would get angry and shut them out of their grandbabies lives. (same as blackmail!)

2. The children would end up being taken away from the parents and end up in the Foster Care System.

I personally know of one grandmother at DS # 2's school that does for her grandson because of reason # 1. Her DIL has said that if they have to pay for the little boy to go to daycare, then the grandmother would not see him except at holidays!!

The only "winners" in these situations are the children's parents!
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Old 05-29-2004, 11:16 AM
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Rescuing Grandkids

I felt much as you do...until I had a grandchild and now have close friends with grandkids. I honestly feel that my husband and I did a good job raising our own kids, but this is not a guarantee that they will be responsible adults or marry responsibly (and when I had young kids, I was SURE that good, godly parenting was the ONLY key...and above all raising them in relationship with Jesus)

Anyway, I have seen well raised kids grow up and do stupid things, have kids and not provide stable homes. Thus, the dilema: Let the kids and grandkids suffer all of their consequences, or try to salvage the grandkids. Those little ones are innocent victims in all of this, so the grandparent often crosses a bridge they didn't want to because they want to do what they can to bring love and stability into the lives of these precious kids.

Do I still think there are grandparents out there doing it for all of the wrong reasons (like being enablers/rescuers, wanting to be needed...), absolutely, but keep in mind that these precious little ones (and bigger ones) are eternal people with needs, not just pawns. Grandparents can't fix it all, but maybe they can be the anchor that keeps the kids grounded enough to make sense of their own lives.
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Old 05-29-2004, 04:13 PM
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When my girls were growing up my parents weren't around for me to use-except when my oldest daughter was small for a couple of years. But I never assumed my mom would be willing to babysit, I asked and usually she said yes; in fact, she'd usually take my friends daughter too so we two couples could go out together once in a while.
Now, my two oldest girls are married with kids of their own-two girls for my oldest and two boys for my middle daughter. I don't see the boys much, they're a couple hours away and we don't get asked to sit for them except once in a great while-I don't foresee much change in that even though my daughter and SIL are now separated. My oldest girl and her family-husband and two girls live with us. Her baby is a preemie so we had them move in so someone would be with my daughter and the baby all the time. There again, we don't do alot of sitting, but occasionally, like tonight, I try to get my SIL to take my daughter and older granddaughter to a movie and/or dinner. They went to see Shrek 2-and I'm watching little one. I do it because I want to and I offered. If they went out every week I probably wouldn't offer.
Now my mom really isn't up to sitting for her younger great grandkids-no more patience; but then she really doesn't have the patience to put up with her older grandkids either-and they don't need sitters but they used to like to stay with my parents over school vacations-this year the girls told my sister that 'there's nothing to do at grandma's', but my nephew wants to stay a couple of times through the summer.
I've always told my kids that I'll be here if they need me and I'd rather have my grandkids dropped here with me than with someone that I might not trust. I do know though, that if I had to sit constantly with no appreciation it would positively stop.
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Old 05-30-2004, 09:39 PM
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Unfortunately, I see this happening into the next generation as well. My parents basically RAISED my brother's two children - - my Brother and SIL (now divorced) were terrible, selfish, irresponsible, immature parents - - so my parents basically "took-over." Now my neice and nephew are grown with children of their own and my brother and ex-SIL are still terrible, selfish, irresponsible, immature parents - - so guess who gets the kids dumped on them AGAIN??? My parents, (who are the great-grandparents to these babies), while my brother and his EX are out doing their own THING still. They have been taught that they should be able to do this - - it's accepted. Which has made them all the more selfish and irresponsible. I'm not so sure that it is the right thing to do by taking care of the kids. It's not taught my brother any responsibility - or his kids. They have become users and my parents enablers. They are getting older and ill in health and when they need help it's never available from those who use and have used - - they are always too busy, or don't have the time. Children are a gift from God, if YOU have been blessed with children - - they are for YOU to take responsibility for - - not your parents or your great grandparents.
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Old 06-10-2004, 10:38 AM
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Our first grandchild was born on Christmas Day. He is a wonderful baby and I feel it a great privledge to help with him. My son and daughter-in law do not expect us to help, but do ask occasionally. I watch him regually each Friday, but they need their time out together also. They are still young and this parenting thing is new to them as it was to us with our first baby. I hardly had any help fcrom either set of parents when my babies were little even when I asked for help, they rarley would. There were times when I despratly needed a break, but couldn't find one. I promised myself that I would remember how that felt...and that I would do all I could to help out when asked, so the parents of my grandchildren could have "mental health time" and nuturing time for their relationship. Fostering my relationship with my grandchildren will pay off in the end as well.
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Old 06-13-2004, 07:00 AM
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I did daycare while my children were home, now I daycare my 6 grandchildren and love it! I don't know if I'm qualified to answer your question because I get paid to help my children raise their children.

My daughter is a single mom with a 13 yr old daughter and an 11 yr old son that I've babysat 50-60 hrs a week for 8 years since her divorce. She pays me $200 a month and would gladly pay more if she could afford it. I am her hero and she appreciates having someone she trusts to help raise her children.

My son has 4 daughters, 6, 4, 3, and a 16 month old. The 4 yr old is the only one who wasn't born at our home because she was the only normal pregnancy. I'm paid $200 a month to watch the girls 20-30 hrs a week. My son loves me dearly and also takes me for granted. My daughter-in-law trusts me and that means a lot.

I very seldom babysit when the girls are not working because they know I need time off just like they do.

I love daycare. No other job has ever been so much fun or felt so important to me. I get paid to laugh with children, to blow bubbles, run through sprinklers, and finger paint! I get paid to rock a little one to sleep at naptime. And no bonus is worth as much as a peanut butter and jelly kiss, a big hug from a little one, or being trusted to share the secrets of a teen. I cannot imagine what my home would be like without the love and laughter of children.

Do I trust my children to raise my grandchildren? Of course not! But that is my problem not theirs. I'm a control freak and wouldn't willingly trust anyone other than me to raise them. Luckily I'm good at what I do so they haven't been scared by my fears. LOL!

Love & Prayers,
Linda
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Old 06-13-2004, 03:06 PM
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there are many reasons for this...
1) they do not feel like they can let go and let thier kids be adult
2) they do not see that they kids are adults
3) the way some kids are they use those grandbabies as a game and use it over there parents... if you don't I won't let you see the babies.
4) the adults are not grown to take care of thier kids themselves and parents has to steo in to help raise them
5) parents are not secure in themselves that they did a good enought job in r aising thier kids so they want to raise thier gbabies to do the job over again, to see if they can improve on it
6) the grown kids are not matrue to tell their parents to back off
7) they see thier peers parents watching the kids and they feel thier parents does too..

My daughter tried that one on me at one time.. to make me feel quiilty but it didn't work....I don't know if she did it on purpose or if she didn't realize what she was doing.

I know she used do a black mail on me, " getting upset with me and saying I won't let you see the kids" I finally learn this was a way of getting upset and after she cool off she came back around

I love my grandbabies, but this is her job to raise these babies.
I'm here to pray and give advice if she comes to me.. but not to
but" in when it not my job.... My parents did that to me while I was raising my kids... I hated it and don't want to do it to my daughter.
at times she tell me back away mom... and I might not like it but I respect her.. as she is the mom of my gkids no matter if I get upset with her or don't approve of something.

How can adults kids learn to be the one in charge if the older ones doen't allow it?
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Old 06-13-2004, 03:47 PM
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I kinda stumbled in on this one but...those of you who know me, know I'm not speaking from a grandparents view but the parent. God bless my Mom and Dad! I am a stay at home mom so I am with my two little boys almost all the time. My mom watches them if I have an appointment or if my dh & I go on a date or even if she senses I need a little break. She is so great about that! She never "butts" in but does always give sound advice when solicited. I work very hard not to take any of it for granted because it would be really easy to do. I spent a lot of time with both sets of my Grandparents growing up because my parents ran a family business that took a lot of their time but I feel richer for the experience of being a part of my Grandparents lives hearing how they grew up and their experiences and views. I feel I had the best of both worlds.

Sandra
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Old 06-13-2004, 04:02 PM
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I'm very comfortable with the fact that my girls are grown and I feel very confident in their ability to raise their own kids. I'm also comfortable with the fact that I will try to 'but' in and my kids will tell me to back off and let them handle their kids their way. My girls will also listen to me if I have a different opinion about something that's happening with their kids-just like they would listen to one of their friends-even if they still do it their way.
I tried not to take advantage of my mom when I had opportunities to and I don't feel that my girls take advantage of me-sometimes I wish they would, but I don't see it happening in the near future.
I glad that my granddaughters live in my house and I've been able to really bond with them. I wish my grandsons lived closer so I could bond with them also.
Have a great week all.
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