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Old 01-21-2007, 09:23 PM
Shelley Kunkel's Avatar
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Sorry vs apologize

I "had" a friend that said something very inappropriate to my 3 yo dd while I was out of the room. After I returned she told me what had happened and what she did & said to my dd. I took what she said and how she said it as a threat.

What my dd did, did not warrant her response to her.

Seeing the shocked look on my face she said "I apologize if that was too harsh for you, but I'm not sorry I said it." Her body language and demeanor was pure evil and hatred. I couldn't comment, I was in shock. All I was thinking was "what do I say to her in response?" I did tell her I felt what she said was too harsh. But she stood her ground and refused to see it differently. She said she wouldn't say anything to someone else's child that she wouldn't say to her own. I'd HATE to be her child.

I left the Boy Scout meeting thinking I'm keeping my children away from this woman.

She called me later and we discussed what had happened & she explained her understanding of the meanings of the two phrases "sorry" & an "apology". I told her they were one in the same. But she disagrees.

So are they one in the same? or are they different?
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Old 01-23-2007, 02:19 AM
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Shelley I always thought they were the same. If you apologize then you are sorry you did whatever you thought was wrong or at least that is what I always thought that was how it worked? Am I making sense here?? If there is a difference then I need it explained to me too.
Rosey
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Old 01-23-2007, 02:34 AM
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I guess at times someone can apologise because they feel it is expected from them, although they are not sorry - take the example of a child or younger person whose parent says "That was not right, (or whatever,) you must apologise, or say sorry." Now that person may say sorry or I apologise because they know if they don't mum or whoever has a way of making them sorry (on the backside, for example!!!) If the person apologises under those circumstances then they are probably not sorry.
It is also probably dependant on the way "sorry" is used. If it is to feel deeply regretful then that is one thing. But if it is just like a 'bad luck it happened' or other flippant reply then it is not the same as a heartfelt apology.
Does this make sense??
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Old 01-23-2007, 02:55 AM
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Lynne..I agree with you..."makes sense" to me...I have had people apolozize for something and no darn well they were not sorry for what they did..just that they were trying to make peace ...
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Old 01-23-2007, 05:57 AM
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I understand Lynne. I just don't know why a friend would make a snide remark like that. Knowing her & her husband her reply shouldn't have shocked me. But she has never spoken to us that way. It was bad enough that she told my 3 yo dd she was acting barbaric and if she kept it up she would tell her 5 yo son to hit her and if he didn't she would.

I didn't know she had a problem with us until this incident. We talked often about everything. If I have a problem with people I make sure to mention it when the time is appropriate.

Thankfully this too shall pass.

Thank you all for your responses and input on this topic.
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Old 01-23-2007, 06:08 AM
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Gee, sounds like she is the one with the problem for sure. When you apologize you should be sorry! Not always the case, but it should be.
That should not have been said to a young child.
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Old 01-23-2007, 06:25 AM
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Shelley, I agree with you that I wouldn't want to be her child either. She sounds like an inconsiderate person who doesn't know her plce in front of a small child. She may lack the ability to empathize.

However, that isn't your question. There is actually a difference between "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" IF you really want to split hairs. I apologize can only be taken one way and that is to admit shortcomings or failure. Sorry can be taken to mean a whole slew of things such as pitying, gloomy, bad, good-for-nothing, regretful, and others. If she said she was sorry she could also be saying she regreted saying something or that she was no-good.

With that being said, it IS splitting hairs. In conversational English, people say things that wouldn't be acceptable in professional writing. It sounds like this lady has no couth. It also sounds like she is more worried about the meaning of words than the feelings of people, which is sad. I wouldn't leave her alone with your 3 year old again. I hope I explained it to you okay.
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Old 01-23-2007, 07:14 AM
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DeBora you are right. "S" doesn't know her place. My dh calls her uneducated. She and her husband act like they are knowledgeable. When we question them on how they came to their conclusions they give us a political reply and change the subject. They exaggerate so much it's amusing. But I still considered her as my friend. Not once did I call her a liar, embarrass her, or deliberately hurt her. I accepted them just the way they are.

I have another friend "V" that will not let her children say "sorry" because one of it's meanings is good-for-nothing. In her opinion by saying it they are admitting it. Because it isn't a positive confession they shouldn't say sorry. Instead they apologize for their actions.

I told "S" that the use and meanings of the two words are a matter of interpretation. People interpret the meanings of the words sorry and an apology differently.

I never pretend to know everything. If I don't know something I admit it. I do tend to agree to disagree. I seek peace. Life is too short to be angry. My dh says I'm too forgiving. What a great compliment.

I like to hear others opinions. That's what makes us different. I don't like being told my opinion is wrong. That's for me to decide.

Hugs,
Shelley
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Old 01-23-2007, 07:32 AM
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Shelley, I am a person who likes to study the meaning of words. I also tutor English and Conversational English. However, I also feel that people are far more important than words. As long as I understand the meaning, I feel that is what is important. I have seen so many people, like "S" who are more concerned about semantics than people. They usually do not do well in the job force that requires people skills. I wonder if she even has a job? One of my pet peeves is when people correct other people's grammar, unless they are a teacher and it is their job to do so.

Next time the conversation comes up, you can always ask her why she is so offended by the word, "sorry" and ask her is it is because she actually is a sorry person and knows that it will be interpreted truthfully? (I couldn't find an evil smiley with horns.) I am just kidding, but hopefully you'll smile thinking about it. lol
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Old 01-26-2007, 06:41 AM
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I think most people now a days when they say "sorry" they actually mean 'I'm sorry I got caught' than it being an apology and they wont do it again.

Roberta
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Last edited by RobertaD; 01-26-2007 at 06:43 AM.
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