toxic relationship

  • this is more venting than asking for advice, but if you have any I'll take it under consideration..

    My grown daughter is in a marriage (1 year)/relationship 14 years that is very toxic for everyone concerned.. I feel the only reason she tries to stay with him is because of their son, he will never let him live with her.. course if they were to separate or divorce there would be custody agreements (which they went through when he was younger before they were married)

    in the past year it has gotten so bad that we have brought my daughter home, the longest period was almost 3 months but she always goes back, he says what she wants to hear and within 12 hours he's back to his normal psycodic (SP?) self.. he accuses her of awful things that she's never done.. when she answers his questions about who she talked to, who she saw when she wasn't home.. who was on the phone, who she talked to on the computer.. he continues to ask questions and says she's lying or not telling him everything..
    He really needs to be under a drs care and on medication but he won't do it, or if he starts he won't stay with the program because he doesn't want to.
    I told her tonight that if she goes back to him then that's it.. I can't afford (mostly emotional)to keep saving her just to have her go back.. As much as it hurts not to have her son with her, she's got to get herself together and then go for custody.. if he files first then we will make sure she gets visitation.
    she's got a job lined up if she passes all the record checks.. I told her she needs to go to work, save her first 3-4 months of checks and get a car.. then she will be more independent.. then if she wants to transfer back to where he's at she should be better able to take care of herself and her son.. course in 3-4 months her husband will either have gotten some help or has really gone off the deep end more..
    my fear has always been that he might really hurt her or my grandson.
    his parents won't do anything.. he lives on their property and they talk about throwing him off the property but 'that's our son, we couldn't do anything against him', that's what they say when they should be helping their dil and gs, but I do believe that they are really afraid of him at this point.. They should have taken action so many years ago and wouldn't because they didn't want to seem like they didn't support him or love him.. My thoughts on that is they can't really love him if they don't want to get him the help he needs. Although they did try once I guess but the dr put him on meds that kind of had him in a fog for three years.. my daughter was with him then.. early in their relationship.
    He's always been antisocial, never coming out of the bedroom when we visited except briefly if my other sil was with us. My daughter always had to fix him a plate so he didn't have to touch anything.
    that's all I have to say about this tonight, but I will be back to see what everyone thinks
  • Very scary situation for your daughter. I hope she can some how get away from him. He really sounds like he needs help. I feel so bad for your daughter. I don't know what to say. I know you have done what you could. You can come here and vent anytime. Prayers.
  • I just read this and noticed it was posted in September. It's now December and I pray things have changed for the best.