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Family Love/hate relationship with your sister in law? Situation with your Mom? Plenty of things to talk about here.

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  #31 (permalink)  
Old 04-21-2013, 07:23 PM
Pag36's Avatar
Nine Year Member
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In a home I love on a quiet st:)
Posts: 29,227
Back years ago I refused to let my daughter
moved back in with me and her younger siblings. That was
the best thing I could do for her at the time. She has
said over and over what a good thing that was. And today
she is the one I can count on more than either of the other
two (excluding her younger sis as she is mentally challenged)
whether it is dollarwise or otherwise.
Hoping all goes well for you and your son Amanda
I will take what I am served knowing someone out there is being served MUCH less
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  #32 (permalink)  
Old 04-22-2013, 08:14 AM
KSJEn6891's Avatar
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Dear Amanda, et all,
I give you prayers of strength that when your son turns 21 he will be able to have that CDL job, and that he will be out on his own.

I sympathize with every parent / guardian that has had to "kick their child out." I didn't initially respond b/c you asked for anyone who had to do this directly.

In my case I watched my mom do this to my sister when she was 17, similar reasons...and I was kicked by my dad for cursing (at my now husband) while my dad was on the phone w/my mom gave me a reprieve (b/c my grandmother was giving my dad a lecture for using all the same words I did)..but I stayed away. I was 18, I had been working "odd" jobs off and on since then, and had lived out of motels, hotels, friends homes, automobiles (friends), and eventually found a place where I could "rent" a room in a house. My sister lived in/out of jail, cars (hers), friends places, the streets, homeless shelters, job sites (she was in construction), bars, hotels, motels, and eventually low-income housing. Eventually we both married. She had two children (1st marriage), I had none (just 2 cats), and spent the better portion of my Dn and DN's lives being their surrogate PT mother (so their dad could work, while my sister was out "partying"). Both their parents NEVER kicked their children out, and had plenty of reasons to with the younger child - boy (who btw is the father of my 3 yo GDn)...also a druggy like his mom was - both along w/my Ex-BIL are also alcoholics. Jump forward to present day. My sis is a married again and the mother of two children (another girl and boy), and a grandmother (her older youngest son). She still "party's" is barely getting by, is "always" on the verge of losing their home and business, lives literally 7 doors away from our parents - and my mother is still "supporting" my sister (and her 2nd family) financially in-between their paychecks. My sister is 47 y.o.! My parent's "loaned" us money to help purchase our first home over 15 years ago - which we HAD to pay back...not my sister my mother's excuse is the grand children (same excuse she used with the first two children as well). Allot of good it did the first set, well at least the girl has done good - she has held several jobs over the years doing waitress positions even while attending both a JC and a trade college classes (she doesn't have any children yet) and has "tried" to financially support/assist her dad (whom she lives with b/c he has health issues)...while her younger brother has been "partying" losing custody of his daughter, in/out of jail and drug rehab... and on and on and on. Like your son, he thought he was going to ride his "parent's" skirt tails in the construction business, but mom doesn't do that any more, and dad can't...AND you have to (a) be sober when you show up for work, and (b)SHOW-up for work.

When I tried to explain tough-love to my mom, my sister, my Dn (niece), I was told I didn't know what I was talking about...but when I asked my mom which one of her children she was more proud of, she said "you." When I asked why? She said b/c even though I had been UN-employed most of my adult life (so far), I have always not asked her money, never asked to return to the house when times got tough, found my own way to land on my feet, and was always willing to help out the family at what-ever cost emotionally it was for me - even turning my back on all of them. That's what I did to my Dn when he asked me if he could live w/us. I told him I had rules that needed to be followed, no compromises. I told him: no smoking, no drugs, no drinking, no over-night friends, must have at least a PT job and in School, or a FT job, must be able to contribute at least $100.00 from each paycheck (weekly/ bi-weekly, bi-monthly), if he was not going to be home, he needed to call me... having his own car was an option: he was welcome to use ours but HAD to pay a portion of the insurance and would be required to PAY for any accident he was in. That he would need to sign a LEGAL document stating that he understood said rules, and knew that if he broke any of them for any reason he was out and that I could SELL his property if left behind due to said eviction.
He never moved in, and he never asked again.
We have told him time and time again he can visit if he follows our house visits. He never asked us to take custody of his daughter when CPS came and took her from them, his sister did. Which until we were in the process of moving from AZ to MD, we agreed to go through Foster Care training and licensing to have "Gn" live with us on a permanent basis. But the move was all to clear, and I found out her other GA was her current Foster Guardian, we backed out feeling it would be more secure for her to stay where she is, and offered asst. to the other GA if needed. I know allot about Tough Love, even though I am not a parent.
I have observed much during my 4o years (I am 45)... those of us on the side lines, can be just as beneficial sometimes as those in the thick of it, sometimes we can be just as supportive as those who have been directly involved.

You parents who have done everything you possibly can to be supportive, caring, financial backers, and guardians of your children have done all that you can w/o losing your relationship(s) in the process should be awarded some commendation for going above the rights of parenthood. When in doubt review what "Nature / Wild" parents do with their young when its time to leave the nest. What many of you do is above and beyond necessary.... unless your child has some "special" need that requires him/her to remain in your custody til your death or they are deemed responsible to live in pt/ft home care, you do the job of kicking them out when you can, when you are emotionally ready too. Only YOU know when it's right.

If you give a deadline, just like in any "paying" job, you need to back that threat/promise-up and finish the job.

If you are having relationship issues b/c of said child, and you have a COPY of your marriage vows (before children came along) pull them out, and post them where your partner can see them (and your children)... If they are along the lives of LOVE HONOR and CHERISH til DEATH do you part - the other person ought to get the point. If not you need marriage counseling...sorry, but it's true.

BTW usually the apron strings are connected to mother and child, father and child is a could be that your spouse is trying to make-up for lost time, and not realizing that your relationship is in jeopardy because of it. My SIL and her Mum have that issue...she's 46 and her and her mum go on vacations together, travel together, decide how to rear her children together (yes, she's still married to my BIL), she doesn't listen to anyone - sometimes not even her mum...and on several occasions have even worked in the same company together! When my SIL's mum passes away I don't know what will happen to my SIL...but I will feel very very sorry for her.

Sorry if it sounds like I've been lecturing - I really haven't, just sharing what I have learned from other parents/guardians over the years, what has worked and hasn't worked. A seriously and funny movie to watch is "Failure To Launch" it came out in 2006 and the synopsis is: 'a 35-year-old man lives in the home of his parents and shows no interest in leaving the comfortable life his parents, especially his mother, have made for him there.' trailer: Failure to Launch - YouTube
If this sounds familiar.... Just saying.

I've heard other conversations of parents and children, about empty nest syndrome as well. One of the parents told her friend, "I can't wait until my kid is old enough to leave so I can experience that feeling.
Her friend quipped well how old is s/he now?
The first one replied, 25
If you see someone in need of help and you can do something, then do something — that goes for people and animals. If you can help out, try. That’s what I hope people take away from this.” -Alex Scroggins
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