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Family Love/hate relationship with your sister in law? Situation with your Mom? Plenty of things to talk about here.

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Old 06-30-2011, 04:00 AM
Christine196's Avatar
One Year Member
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1
Stepchildren vs my children so frustrated

Hello, i am new to the community. i found this site while looking for some other solutions to handle problems with my children. My boyfriend and i live together and we both have 3 children. My eldest is 19 and out of the house but still can be stressful, and my two youngest are boys age 10 and 8. My boyfriend has a 17y/o that lives in indiana with his mother, a 13 y/o girl that visits every other weekend, and an 11 year old that lives with us full time. So there are three boys ages 8 to 11 fulltime in our home. Needless to say i am stressed out. My concern is my boyfriend and myself have different parenting and discipline styles. I was raised to be polite, considerate, to work hard. I strived to teach this to all of my children. so far it seems to be working well. (my oldest seemed to change once she was "independant"), but my oldest boy his is 10 is exactly what i wanted him to far. On the other hand my youngest who is 8 has been a complete handful and was diagnosed with ADHD. i totally didn't want him to have that diagnosis because i wanted to believe that he just needed better discipline..but as the years progressed and more teachers and doctors said it was time to treat him..i gave in an agreed to start him on medications. during the initial med adjustment phase it was rocky because my son would have outbursts, cry for no reason, and just seemed out of control, couldn't sit still in class, or complete a task at home like homework or chores..The problem comes in with my boyfriend and his children. I love him and i love them, but i feel so annoyed by their behavior and lack of respect. First my boyfriend says that he had ADHD as a child and that my son is fine and just needs disciplined better, he even told me he would end up a mass murderer if i didn't fix him. That hurt because the kids who seem to cause the most trouble in the house are his. His son is 11 and a big boy. my son is 8 and very small and thin. His son antagonizes all the kids in the house when his father isn't around, gets into things, leaves messess, starts fights, and talks back to me or ignores my requests. He also likes to shove, elbow, and hit my son with the adhd. my oldest son has learned to ignore him and find something else to do, but my youngest son has no tolerance for this kid and fights back..meaning he has no problem telling him off, hitting him back, and saying mean things to him. he has not filter and is so impulsive. he gets angry that he gets hit and treated like crap and just goes off. i have tried to teach him to do what my other son does and that is "walk away and ignore it"..but he can't seem to. The last straw was i got a call at work for the babysitter that my boyfriend's son punched my youngest in the face for no reason causing a bloody nose. All witnesses said that it was done for no reason. i decided to let my son go stay with his dad for a while so he could be safe, and hopefully cool off some and get a break. i am resentful though. When i talk to my boyfriend about his son's behavior he blames my son and will not discipline his. HIs son gets in trouble at school, on the bus, won't do his homework, and tries everything he can to get out of chores..he even conned my youngest into doing his chore and when it wasn't done right, my boy got introuble ...everyone sees how unfair he is. Yes my youngest with the ADHD is a handful, can be irritating, and there are days when i want to pull my hair out...but i also see his side..if other kids can be bad and not get into trouble, than he calls them out on it which makes my boyfriend mad. I just feel angry that he lets them get away with everything. I walked in the house last night after work to find his two kids sprawled out on the couches, no hello, no offer to let me sit down..nothing. the girl who is visting for the summer and is 13 was mad at her dad because he wouldn't let her have ice cream (after she said she needed to go on a diet she is over 200lbs) she called her mother and said we were mean to the drama still continues even when my "monster son" isn't there because of THEM...i know i need to get a back isn't fair. i feel like my poor son is being "punished" by not being home with me. I can't get any support on how to handle my son's ADHD and how to handle the different needs he has as far as approach with disicpline etc...i need advice...i need help..i feel like the worst parent because i don't know how to handle him..yet when i stand up for myself and him about the other kids behavior it causes a fight... :-(
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Old 07-02-2011, 07:28 AM
bluebird's Avatar
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 12,886
Have you tried talking to a counselor? A pastor? I think you and your bf need to get on the same page. 123 Magic is a good book to read. If your bf refuses to discipline his children you have bigger problem. Is this a new living arrangement? If so then it will take time to figure everything out. If it isn't new maybe you need to do some deep thinking about what you want out of a relationship. Hugs.
Don't stay were you are tolerated, go where you are celebrated!
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Old 07-04-2011, 11:18 AM
cyncerp's Avatar
Nine Year Member
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Michigan
Posts: 32
Hee hee have quite a mess. I have been there. My "EX" brought two girls with him when we married. It was a nightmare. He decided I should be the heavy, HE was gonna be the FRIEND to his kids. They stole money, clothes and jewelry from me, told him I STOLE from them, needed a lock on THEIR door (to keep me from getting back MY OWN STUFF). Anyway, your first decision is, how much am I willing to do to keep this relationship? Each one of you disciplines/directs your OWN kids. No stranger (that's what each of you really is to the other's kids) can just step in and start calling the shots. SO, start with a talk with each other, listen to what each one wants in the way of living arrangements for YOUR happiness. THEN, go get some counseling, it helps tremendously with seeing the light of the other's responsibilities toward their OWN kids. It is gonna be tough, REALLY, so you have a long road, good luck!!!
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Old 07-04-2011, 02:11 PM
jokir's Avatar
Seven Year Member
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 909
When my second husband and I got married I had 2 kids and he had one. Naturally there were problems but we agreed we would think of all three as OUR kids and we each disciplined all three.
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Old 07-04-2011, 07:23 PM
ellenmelon's Avatar
Nine Year Member
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 10,509
Welcome to FC Christine 196! You will get loads of good advice here as many have been through messes like this one you have and worse!

My first thought is Lose the Boyfriend! You have enough on your plate with your three. He sounds like trouble coming and going. And the kids are following suit. Your kids will struggle with this man, and his kids to boot, already fireworks in the house.

Second thought, kudos to your son for not backing down. I am glad you sent him to his dad for his safety. That alone, that one of your children is not safe, is a dead on warning sign to me that this relationship is not a healthy one. This bf has more troubles than you need right now.

Run and run fast and then find someone marriageable and 'boring' and nice and kind and caring and able to handle three half-grown children and a stressed out mom. They need a whole lot more stability and structure than the current home life is giving them, especially the ADHD son you have, he will thrive on structure and probably have a decent shot at a decent life, but not in the current situation. It's downright poisonous for him and for you as his mom.

Stay with us here and we'll be friends to get you through the emotional strain of raising your own kids. You've latched onto a good thing here at FC. We cannot help financially but we can be supportive and always honest and with listening ears.

And make sure you talk with the school counselors, ask how to get in touch with them because it's summer, they can give you good resources for you to live independently and get the proper care both physically and psychologically for you and the kids. They'll have a fairly good idea of what agencies can help your situation the best.
Ellen in PA

"God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of love, power, and a sound mind."
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