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Family Love/hate relationship with your sister in law? Situation with your Mom? Plenty of things to talk about here.

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Old 07-22-2007, 06:40 PM
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bipolar son

Our 21 y o is bipolar with heart and other health problems. He moved in with his gf, they say they are married and who knows if they are. They live off gf's ssi check. Since ds is married, he has no insurance. Today we were called to the ER, son saying that gf was bleeding and passed out. Gf is to have her gallbladdar removed tomorrow but really todays prank was to get us into town so we would take they out to dinner. It didn't work. Ds did say they had no food in the house. We did buy them a little food to find out ... they had food.

I am wondering if anyone here has gone to court to become a guardian of a adult child. I don't know what is envolved in becoming a guardian. Ds is not on SSI. We have been fighting this since he was months old. I think now dh has messed it up so badly he will have to start over. I think if we were to become his guardian we would then put ds in a home somewhere. Any helpful ideas?
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Old 07-22-2007, 07:29 PM
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Connie, last semester, I worked with many adults who had parents who were their legal guardians becuase they were severely mentally ill. The law varies from state to state. I am not sure about all of this since I primarily worked with the mentally ill clients and not the legal guardians.

I know that the mentally ill person has to be incapable of taking care of him or herself in some way. For example, he has to not be able to cook and clean, maybe even not be able to handle paying his bills, not able to purchase medication in situations which the meds are needed to be safe, or make decisions that aren't harmful to himself. I don't think the mentally ill person has to live with his/her guardian, like in the case where the guardian pays the bills only, but I am not sure. I know that you would need a lawyer as it is a lengthy process.

This is only my personal suggestion, but if it were me, I would not help your DS in any way, if you feel he is incompetent and plan on asking for help because he is incompetent. The reason is that it might appear that he is competent when "they" come look in his home and see food and money. If he is starving, selling his body for food, doing any other destuctive behaviors because he cannot take care of himself, then you may be able to ask the state for assistance. They could require that you be the guardian and that your DS follow your rules or be hospitalized. You also may find that part if the process is that he may be required the mandatory hospitalization of 72 hour observation before a decision is made about what is best for him. I am really not sure about all the rules in these adult situations. A lawyer would be a very good source for information about the regulations in your state and it would only cost you 1 visit to the attorney to know what to do next. Some states and towns have free legal counseling. You can find that in your local yellow pages. You could also call a mental health facility and inquire as to whom they would suggest that you call for further information. Good luck!
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Old 07-22-2007, 08:05 PM
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Thanks. He is incompetent. He can't handle money, take his meds much less buy them or make sound decisions. I will contact a lawyer and see what our options are. He will not come back and live with us. Too much stress on everyone. I really think he needs a group home so he can be watched closely. Ditto for his gf/wife.
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Old 07-22-2007, 08:33 PM
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Connie, if things are that bad, you should also ask about contacting adult protective services. They can legally intervene on behalf of adults when others cannot. Keep us posted on what you discover.
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Old 07-22-2007, 09:53 PM
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Connie I know what I've gone thru with my daughter and my heart breaks for you.
I have a cousin that is 63 and been in a group home snce he was a teen. He wouldn't know how to live outside of that home.
It brought alot of pain to my aunt when she was alive but it was the best for my cousin.

Now my daughter she does things due to the fact she enjoyes doing thrm I truely believe.
I know she is not capable of taking care of the girls and that is why I have them.
She won't take meds and if she does the drinking will wipe it out but she doesn't realize it does. For rules applies to her different than most people.
She been like this since she been about 12 maybe a little younger even.
Even her own daughter the oldest one knows mom is not right. which is sad.

Yet I can't take her to court and I cannot and will not be her guardian... she makes the mess and she has to then make her bed.
Most of the time she is aware of what she doing, but she doesn't make the right choices...
Sometimes you just have to walk away and let things be...

whtaever your decision is I wish you the best.
BI polar is well and it make life misery for those of us that watches our kids go thru it
For thier live is a roller coaster but most don't want others to step in to take care of them for they can't see what is wrong, to them it others that are wring but not them

My daughter was able to get some free counciling and help.. she stayed for a few days then check herself out of the place, and when I told her she needed to go back and get the help, and her ex husband said the same thing, she talkes like she willl, but when it comes down to it she doesn't.

Does this sound familar to you with your son?
so the answer of knowingt what to do is not a easy fix answer...
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Old 07-22-2007, 10:13 PM
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BarBar, if your DD is finding people to take care of her and her kids then the state my deem her to be capable. She may be mentally ill, but as long as she is meeting her basic needs, nobody will intervene. The basic deal with a mentally ill person, is that the state cannot force them to take medications for their mental illness unless they are a danger to themselves or others. It is a little more complicated than that, but that is the basics. I have seen schizophrenics who are acting in the most strange way and scaring people. I have seen them talk to their delusions and ever yelling out of anger at their delusions. But, we still could not force them to take their medications if they refused. I don't blame you for not wanting to be her guardian. Even in the best situations that would be tough.

I think what saddened me the most was the adult mental patients who had guardians who were abusing their rolls. Some spent all their state money that was for their living expenses or not making sure they bathed and things like that. Those have to be turned in to child protective services. When we suspected such incidences, we had to confront the parents or guardians. In many cases, the mental patient would tell everyone that their guardian was spending all their money and not giving them anything. But, uppon investigation, it was discovered that the guardian was paying their transportation expenses, rent, groceries, medications, and so on. On top of that, the guardian was giving them spending money. Those guardians were probably spending more out of their own pocket than they were receiving for state aid. Those were the type cases that I'd just tell the client that I was sorry about what was going on and leave it at that. Basically, they were wanting more spending money.
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Old 07-26-2007, 05:13 PM
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I have to agree that is very sad and don't understand why folks would do that, but knows it happens.

I know that there is nothing that can be done to my dd. I just learn to leave her alone as much as possible and do what I should and that is to take care of the girls for the girls.
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Old 07-26-2007, 07:52 PM
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DeBoras tip about repeating and repeating sure helps! We don't contact ds. We are leaving him alone. He chose his life. Now we are going to live ours.
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Old 07-26-2007, 11:54 PM
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I wish you both luck in dealing with your kids. I commend you BarBar for raising your GKs. I know they are a joy and blessings, but I am sure it is difficult to be a parent again.
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Old 08-11-2007, 08:35 AM
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DeBora thank you... at times I don't feel I have what it takes to keep up with them.
It one of those bittersweet things. They are helping me to stay young, and motherhood kicks in at times in this older body of mine, yet I am able to be a wiser parent since I've been thru it already and more alert this time around, yet more patient with them than with my 1st set.
At times I feel if these kids are my own kids
The hardest thing is knowing when to be and when not to be a grandparent vs parents.

I am also so thankful to John for being willing to raise a 3rd set of kids at the age of 68.. again it cut John's and my time apart alot from one another but the price is worth it as we know we are doing the right thing.

Connie you are doing the right thing live your life and what ever happens to your son he did it.

As we have told our kids and now the girls you are the next generation and only you can keep what you like and throw away what you do not like and change it for better.
It now time for your son and his wife to be grown and thur the lessons they learn will either make them grow up or hopefully make them relize how little they knew.

I keep thinking this is going to work with my daugher and some days I see it does and other days I see it doesn't...
and we stay in prayer for her..
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