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DeBora4BobbyL 11-17-2013 06:28 AM

Toxic family members
Do you think a parent should always be there for his/her adult children even when the child verbally attacks the parent and makes all kinds of accusations against him/her? I was thinking about this the other day and how others deal with toxic family members. I have had to balance setting boundaries to protect myself while letting my DD know I love her. She has become psychotic and since she is an adult, I cannot make her get help.

mom 11-17-2013 08:28 AM

Hi DeBora,

I think with anybody who is toxic including our adult children we need to either step back from them, or like you did, set definite boundaries. otherwise it becomes extremely stressful and unhealthy for us.


DeBora4BobbyL 11-17-2013 09:20 AM

Being that it is my child, it is very difficult because it is natural, as a mother, for me to help her. She wanted me to go to therapy with her for the sake of the children, but I refused stating that the last time we attended a therapy session, it turned into a bashing session against me. The therapist was shocked and really did not know what to say. I did offer to talk to her therapist without her but I have heard nothing since. I did tell her she was delusional (accusing me of controlling Child Protective System, paying the judge under the table to get custody, and she recently claimed I am using mind control to control the family and turn them against her). I suggested she get intense, mental health. I do not know if her psychosis is due to the drugs she used/uses or if it is something different. I hope she decides to get help for the sake of her children.

mom 11-18-2013 11:25 AM


I am sorry you and your family have to go through something like that. We have been through some toxic situations ourselves, but not as intense as you have experienced. Things seem dark right now, but I hope and pray that there will be a flicker of light at the end of the tunnel.


DeBora4BobbyL 11-19-2013 04:06 AM

Unfortunately, my DD is psychotic. I doubt she'll ever be able to get a job because of this and the fact that she has no teeth. If she doesn't have a job she cannot afford health insurance and she cannot get on anti-psychotics. Mental health hospitals in this state will not take a person unless she has health insurance. If she could get them somehow, I think she might do better. Since her delusions are mostly the persecutory type and I am her persecutor, there is nothing I can say to her without her perceiving that I am out to get her. I can only hope that she is really seeing a therapist and that the therapist is guiding her appropriately.

RobertaD 11-19-2013 04:32 AM

Debora, you need to take a page out of Al-anon and love the person but not their behavior. Prayer helps. What a catch 22 there will be a lot more people on the streets unable to afford their medicine if the economy doesn't get better.


mom 11-19-2013 05:35 AM

I have a family member who has a hard time accepting the fact that I love her, but I refuse to enable the actions of this person. Just as DeBora loves her DD, but refuses to accept the things she says or does. It is a hard situation for a parent to be in, but sometimes our kids put us there.


Haleys grandmom 11-20-2013 03:18 AM

Wow, Debora, Your daughter and mine should get together!! Mine will smile at your face and stab you in the back. She has physically hurt many people and she is on medication. You can't trust her a second. She also went threw counseling and did the same thing, we had the police investigating us because of the things she told her. All were negative and we were cleared. She is a psychopath and her personality changes faster than the weather. I worry about her all the time because she is an alcohol and drug addict. She needs meds to help control her moods but that goes against her trying to stay clean. She has also done a lot of cutting and has marks all over her. I never see her because she lives to far from us.

DeBora4BobbyL 11-28-2013 06:53 PM

Thanks for the support. All would be different if I wasn't raising her children and I have to deal with how she is affecting them. I can't just forbid her access, totally. If I do, the children will blame me and mom will say that it is all my fault. So, I have told my DD that because of her behavior of telling the children she is getting them back and it causing psychological problems with the youngest AND because she is reporting losing consciousness, SHE will have to make arrangements for an agency to supervise visitation. This puts the responsibility of her being able to visit her children squarely on her shoulders.

DGD and I had a great talk yesterday. In some ways, she knows Mommy plans on getting an apartment and the entire family will live together and live happlily ever after. In other ways, she sees reality that Mommy is probably not going to get it together. I also let her know that she cannot move back with mommy and daddy unless a judge orders it because we have a permanent court order and going back to court to change it will cost thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars (back child support plus attorney's fees). I DGD not to talk about moving back with Mommy in front of her brother. I used an analogy to explain how he feels like his family will be broken apart if they go live with Mommy or if DGD lives with Mommy. Brother has no memories of living with the parents and he considers us his parents.

The parents wanted to call the children today to wish their children a Happy Thanksgiving. I heard DGS ask Mommy, "Umm....Mommy? How come you don't have a home?" I think he is starting to get mature enough to realize that the parents aren't stable enough to live on their own.

DeBora4BobbyL 11-30-2013 04:47 PM

I don't know if I told you but my DD had "blood sugar problems" one month, kidney stones the next, "nocturnal dementia" after that, then last month she claimed a stomach ulcer. I told my DH that I could not wait to find out what her new medical problem would be this month. Tonight, she texted my hubby and said she is in the hospital with blood clots tonight. Each time it seems it is after I tell her no on something. She wanted me to supervise visitation and I told her no because I was not going to allow her to call me names or make accusations against me so a 3rd party would have to supervise visitation and it is HER responsibility to arrange the visitation. I speculated that when she found out that I was not willing to supervised visitation, she would come down with some mysterious illness, she did. I hate to sound negative, but I could careless about DD being in the hospital. The last 2 times she claimed she was in the hospital, she refused to give us details or allow us to visit. So, I doubt she is actually in the hospital. I stopped asking so who knows if she really is in the hospital.

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