The EX - Page 4 - FamilyCorner.com Forums
Visit FamilyCorner.com for tons of seasonal ideas!
quick link - go to our home page quick link - kid's crafts, family fun, printables, etc quick link - sign up for our free newsletter quick link - holiday crafts, recipes and ideas quick link - gardening, organizing, saving money, decorating and more quick link - our FunBook is filled with lots of quick ideas, tips and crafts quick link - join our bustling community of friendly members


Go Back   FamilyCorner.com Forums > >

Extended Family Family reunions, geneology, spending time with relatives. Find it here!

Reply
 
Thread Tools Rate Thread
  #31 (permalink)  
Old 03-24-2003, 04:29 AM
stekim's Avatar
Nine Year Member
FamilyCorner Admirer
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Central New York
Posts: 160
Hi -
It is sooooo hard when ex's are involved isn't it? Especially when your own children are hurt in the process. It's really too bad that your inlaws don't understand what they are doing to the "real" family. I hope that things get better for you guys.
__________________
Kim
Reply With Quote
  #32 (permalink)  
Old 03-24-2003, 04:49 AM
nagymom's Avatar
Nine Year Member
FamilyCorner Junkie
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Hooterville, NC
Posts: 1,523
MoMtO3&LuViT again I can identify. My own husband and our 3 kids--he adopted my 2 oldest and we had one, are treated like second class citizens by his parents. We have no idea why either. They welcomed my kids with open arms at first but over the years have gotten weird on us. We have been told by several family members that his mother has stated on more than one occasion that his older (dh is second oldest) and his youngest brothers are her favorites. I believe this too. I have seen her fawn all over d-i-l's who are no longer in the family. DH and I are the only ones who married (we celebrated our 21'st anniversary last November) and didn't divorce. All 3 of his borthers and his sister are divorced at least once. It hurt me for years to see her treat the other d-i-ls so special while pretty much ignoring me but I REALLY get angry when I see her treat her own son like he's not important. Our solution is to pretty much leave them alone. We don't call very often and I haven't een to visit them in over a year. (They're 5 hours away). They came to see us last year and we treated them cordially but not special.

My kids are grown now and none of them have a close relationship with their grandparents on either side. (mine included). I wish it were different because I have wonderful memories of my grandparents.

We've learned to live our lives without a lot involvement from either family. Mine is too nosy and his is distant. We DID finally get a reaction from his mom recently. Dh refuses to call them--they never and I mean never, call us. We ignored them for about 3 months so she finally e-mailed us--twice. I responded with nice newsy e-mails and he finally broke down and called her last night but it was obviously a "duty call". I feel they get the treatment they deserve.

SO I have been on both sides of the issue. There are no easy answers and for the life of me I will NEVER understand in-laws! I try to be a good one even though technically I'm not one to the s-i-l any more. I think part of my feelings are due to his mother being a total nut case so he's always been closer to me than her.

BTW I am crazy about my dh and we look forward to celebrating our 50th anniversary some day with or without his family.

Good luck with the future--I've been through the divorce scene too so you have my heart felt prayers and sympathy.
Jayne
__________________
The ORIGINALnagymom

Editor of FREE Penny Pincher freebie newsletter:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/LOLPennyPincher/

Subscribe: [email protected]




Special Member of the Family
Become an Honorary Member

Reply With Quote
  #33 (permalink)  
Old 03-24-2003, 05:10 AM
Abear's Avatar
Nine Year Member
FamilyCorner Fanatic
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Heart of Cajun Country
Posts: 4,607
Jayne - As long as your daughter is okay with your relationship with her ex, I see nothing wrong with it. In fact, it is probably good for the dgk's!!!

My uncle's wife treated him like dirt for a majority of their marriage. He worshiped her and treated her like a queen! He did nothing to deserve the treatment she gave him before, during and after their divorce! It hurt him so much to see her after their divorce. Thats why I ran her off from our family gatherings! Everyone was relieved when I did it......too bad one of the siblings, including my Dad, didn't do it sooner!

My first set of in-laws never treated me decent. They felt I was too young for their son/brother. (he was 10 yrs older than me)
He passed away exactly 1 month B/4 my DD's 5th birthday. She will be 19 in April. Since his death, she has had only a handful of interactions with them....by their choice. Its like they cut her out of their lives because of me. Well, it is their loss!

My DH's mother passed away in 1998. From the time we married until her death, she treated me better than my own mother! She also accepted my DD with open, loving arms! She treated my DD as if she were her biological DGD!

Now, as far as my DH's siblings, we don't get along! And, like you Jayne, I have no idea why they dislike me so much! I busted my butt for a long time jumping through hoops to get them to like me. I finally had enough of it. They only call when they want something! So, I got Caller ID. If DH is not home when they call, I don't answer! Since I am primary care giver to my FIL, I do call and let them know when he is sick, etc. But, I only call one and then that person has to call the others.
__________________
Hook 'Em Horns!!!!

Last edited by Abear; 03-24-2003 at 05:13 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #34 (permalink)  
Old 03-24-2003, 09:28 AM
ladyjade's Avatar
Member
FamilyCorner Newbie
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 23
I don't know the whole story, and am not sure where to look for it, but it the ex wants to find her son then she should be able to. Your husband and his ex share a bond--their child. And if that child is in trouble, or needs help then they should work together to help that child. Even though he is 18, that does not mean he should be out to fend for himself. If the mother wants to help him, then she is a wonderful person for doing so! Many children are put out for rebellious behaviors, but many times those behaviors are presented because something is wrong in their lives and the only way they know to deal with this anger is to rebel. I too have a fiance who has baggage and a crazy ex. She has used every disgusting word to talk to me, but I would never tell my fiance that he can't talk to her if it is for the sake of his son. At 18, that child is probably thinking about needing to start making a living of his own, but still needs support. As I said before, I have no background on this story, just this post...but to sum it up, in my personal opinion, if his mother wants to find him, and needs the help of your husband to find THEIR child, then more power to both of them.

There are too many kids that are put out without anyone to guide them, and eventually become the people society hates.
Reply With Quote
  #35 (permalink)  
Old 03-24-2003, 10:58 AM
Darla253's Avatar
Nine Year Member
FamilyCorner Groupie
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Dallas
Posts: 545
Ladyjade

You missed a few of the post.......
The mother has the number and address where her son is and have been to visit him there and yes, at 18 they're legally adults and if they want to act like babies they can but won't do it in my home.
Reply With Quote
  #36 (permalink)  
Old 03-24-2003, 11:53 AM
ladyjade's Avatar
Member
FamilyCorner Newbie
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 23
Well that's good that she has the information where he is at then. She can do what she has to help him. And while I am not coming down on you, at 18 yes you are legally an adult, but barely. Maybe you should consider your husband's feelings in all this. It sounds like he's trying to help his son by keeping contact with his ex---this is their child remember. Unless you want to cause your husband and his son a lot of stress later in their lives, it is important that they should all stay on good terms. Before you were in the picture, your stepson's mother was in the picture with your husband. And if you are trying to keep either from him, there will be a lot of tension later. Think when he gets married, has children of his own. I'm sure that he will want both of his parents there, and if you make this hard on them now, there will only be resentment towards you later.

It's not your child so you don't have to deal with him if you don't want, but allow your husband and his ex to do what they need to keep their son in their lives.
Reply With Quote
  #37 (permalink)  
Old 03-24-2003, 12:09 PM
nagymom's Avatar
Nine Year Member
FamilyCorner Junkie
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Hooterville, NC
Posts: 1,523
To catch up on the details that are missing you can go to this thread: http://www.familycorner.com/forums/s...&threadid=5760

There is a lot more to this situation than would appear here.

Jayne
__________________
The ORIGINALnagymom

Editor of FREE Penny Pincher freebie newsletter:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/LOLPennyPincher/

Subscribe: [email protected]




Special Member of the Family
Become an Honorary Member

Reply With Quote
  #38 (permalink)  
Old 03-24-2003, 01:04 PM
Darla253's Avatar
Nine Year Member
FamilyCorner Groupie
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Dallas
Posts: 545
Hi Nagymom

Thanks for adding the link to the post that gives information. LOL. I wasn't going to bother with it. Figure if I enter into a conversation I always ask before I jump in with my two cents worth. Kinda makes it easier to not come off as sounding rather rude.

Hope you're having a good day. It's hot here! Even I've got on shorts and my lilly white legs are blinding all the neighbors.
Reply With Quote
  #39 (permalink)  
Old 03-24-2003, 03:47 PM
ladyjade's Avatar
Member
FamilyCorner Newbie
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 23
I have read the other thread now.

Please remember that when you post something in a forum on the internet the whole world can see your issues and you are bound to get all sides of your situation.

And I still stand on the same side, although things are clearer now. The boy was 15 or so when you got married, correct? So he was still a child. And still loved his dad. And obviously, still wanted to live with his dad. Did all 3 of you sit down and talk about him not living there before you got married or was it just between you and your husband? And the fact that you told his son that you were there first and would be there last?! You weren't there first. He was there in your husband's life much longer than you were. You should try to help his son to understand the marriage, and accept it rather than say you like it or get out. And if the mother didn't show him love then you should. He's never got the love of a mother, and therefore obviously knows nothing about how to treat a motherly figure appropriately. Show him that you do love him (although I don't know that a part time mother could love a child).

You also say "we have custody". That means you went before a judge and told him that you were willing to take this child in.

If you weren't willing to take him in then you should have set this straight with your husband or got out then, rather than taking custody of a child that you kick out later. And if he's been saying for 5 years that he wants to live in Texas, then didn't it occur to you 3 years ago when you got married that he would want to live there?

And he was fif-T-E-E-N at the time. Teen years you can only expect the type of behaviors you listed in the other thread. And you said you didn't want to be a full time stepmom--then why marry a man with kids? If you can't handle what comes with the package, then don't take it at all. A child requires much of your attention, love, guidance, and respect. There is no such thing as a part time parent. And to say you wanted him to go to the Air Force so that someone would beat the [email protected] out of him....it sounds to me that the lack of respect is equal on both of your parts, and that he has every right to think the way he does.

You said you and your husband never used to fight until about 3 months after he started living with you, but yet you say your SS has been there since day 1 of your marriage. So for three years you have been fighting minus 3 months. And how can you stay with someone you don't trust?

Him doing his own laundry is great! Give him chores, rules, privileges, punishments, the whole 9. Make him clean his own room. All of that is great. Make him do dishes, whatever, all the while letting him know that he is part of a FAMILY, and not just a live in with everyone waiting for him to leave.

You may like the buttered up version of the story that says everything will be okay, but that's not always the case. A buttered up story is going to keep you somewhere you don't need to be....it sounded like you had the right idea for a while--setting things up so you could leave but you didn't so you can't expect everything to be okay and be in a picture-perfect world. I'm far from perfect also, however, I see the effects that homes like this have on children every day. I won't scare you with the details, but I deal with the pain and fear children have every day when divorced families can't get along.

I do feel sorry for you, don't get me wrong. I may come across as harsh and rude, but you don't deal with the pains of these children as I do everyday. I feel sorry for you because of the relationship between you and your husband. However, I think that the SS being hurt the most here. Put yourself in the shoes of a teenager that has never gotten the real love of a parent, and I think you will see that his behavior is quite normal for his horrible situation. I only hope that you can work on things with him as well, maybe bring him to family couseling as well. This isn't just about you and your husband. And the fact that a psychologist said that he was just a brat when he wrote letters saying he wished you would die?! Not even! This kid has a lot more going on in his head than "just being a brat!" You and your husband need to take him to a REAL psychologist so that he can get some help. That's how rage starts.
Reply With Quote
  #40 (permalink)  
Old 03-24-2003, 05:03 PM
Darla253's Avatar
Nine Year Member
FamilyCorner Groupie
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Dallas
Posts: 545
Ladyjade

Okay, by saying we need to take him to a psychologist tells me that you've not read everything and I'm really not going to get into all the details again. No one comes in here looking for the "buttered" version of anything. We post as in a way of getting opinions from others that have possibly walked in our shoes so until you do that, you are unable to judge another. Your snide remarks are uncalled for and before you say that you work with children with problems you might want to find out exactly what the person you're talking to did for a living for fifteen years. In this case it's way too late to ask though. Have a good day.
Reply With Quote
 
Reply



Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 10:10 AM.


Copyright 2018 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.

POPULAR AREAS OF FAMILYCORNER.COM

Our Family FunBook is packed full of ideas from parents just like you!

Our members say that they have never found a friendlier message board community than ours!

Our kid's craft section is filled with easy ideas for creative little minds.

We have tons of free printable coloring pages to keep your little ones happy.

We offer a wide variety of free newsletters delivered right to your inbox.

Our Household Hints & Tips have a wealth of information on cleaning, organizing, and more!
Go to the funbook Go to forums Go to kid's crafts Go to printables Go to newsletters Go to Hints & Tips

Home || Newsletters || Advertising || Terms of Use || Privacy || Services || Submissions || Contact Us || Media Opportunities || Link To Us || Shop || Feedback || Staff || e-Cards || Reminder Service



FamilyCorner.com® is sponsored in part by...




Visit our friends --> MomsMenu | Main Street Mom | She Knows | Baby University | Personal Fitness Zone | iChef.com

Copyright Notice | Privacy Policy | Terms of Use/Disclaimer