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Empty Nesters Are all of your kids gone? Need to talk to those in your situation? Stop by here!

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Old 10-28-2002, 05:27 PM
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Need to talk about feelings!

I'm a brand new "empty nester", and I'm not doing very well. I have been crying non stop for three hours.
My daughter is 22 years old, and has a two year old daughter. They loaded everything up, and left a few hours ago to a town only 2 hours away. My husband loaded up his truck, to help them move and he won't be home until tomorrow.
I handled it really well, so my daughter wouldn't pick up on bad vibes. I want her to have her own life. They will be living with her boyfriend of over 5 years, and the father of her daughter. I have seen my granddaughter every day of her life, and she is so very precious.
I know my husband is thinking I will have a good cry tonight, and that it will be good for me. He will be home tomorrow, load up the truck and make another run of furniture. This is my first night without him at home, and I feel so crappy. I look around and see little reminders of my sweet little granddaughter.
I know I need to keep busy until I get use to this. I have been going to school and will be finished next week, and I will be looking for a new job then.
You know, I have never really been on my own with my husband for 12 years. I was married the first time and my husband left when my son was 4 and my daughter 2, and we were a little family for 8 years. I met my husband, and he has been a wonderful supportive husband and stepfather to my children. My daughter rebeled for a while and tried to make trouble. She wanted her mom all to herself, and tried to get us to divorce. Anyway, life worked out, and I want her to be happy, and I want to be happy
If anyone else has felt this way, will you please let me know what to do. I haven't cried this much since my divorce, and my sisters death.
Thank you.
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Old 10-28-2002, 06:40 PM
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ChrisG...Well you came to the right place...there are so many compassionate people here and it seems as if someone or another has gone thru what you are experiencing. When my oldest son graduated H.S. he joined the Navy after one year of college....I was having the same feelings as you...since he was my first child it was so strange not to have him with me or at least living in the same city. Now the baby of the family is growing up and I will be facing him leaving in a few years...I know it will be hard again...but you DO survive! Letting go is just so hard, I know the pain you are feeling.

Keep your chin up and keep on chatting...it is good for the soul!

janet
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Old 10-28-2002, 06:52 PM
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Janet,
Thank you so much for your kind words, you have warmed my heart
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Old 10-29-2002, 07:18 AM
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Oh, I just want to hug you.

My firstborn will be heading off to college next year and I'm already dreading it. I know it is what they are supposed to do but.....well you know.

Anyway, just know that all of us here understand your pain in one way or the other. It is a real pain, a real loss. Don't minimize it. Change is hard. Logically, you know that you got through your divorce and single parenthood and rebellious daughter. Logically, you know you will get through this. Your role in your daughter and granddaughter's life has changed. You just need to take the time it takes to get through the grief and figure out what that new role looks and feels like. (When you do--let me know cause I'll need all of your wisdom to get me through mine.)

Take care and God bless.
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Old 10-29-2002, 11:32 AM
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Bless you Julie, I could really feel your hug and warmth. It makes me feel so much better to know that I'm not alone with these kind of feelings and that what I'm feeling is normal. Motherhood is such a tough job, and the most rewarding.
Thanks again
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Old 10-31-2002, 09:14 AM
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I know this doesn't help but I know I'll go through the same thing you're experiencing now. My youngest is 8 and my oldest 12 - they've grown so fast and in another blink they'll be out of the house. What the heck will I do? My husband doesn't like to stay home at all. I'm a homebody. We are going to have such a hard time when the kids leave. That's why I've been thinking of having another one before it's too late. It's selfish maybe? I love my children and their childhood that I get to share with them daily.

I figured when my kids leave for college, I'll spend more time out of the house taking classes or spending more times on my hobbies. And when they have their own kids, I can spoil my grandkids.

So spend some time on other things you like to do and just love and appreciate the times you do get to spend with your children in the future.

Your crying also is a natural way of handling this huge change. It's like a loss. If you need to cry it's ok. Go ahead and cry. Don't worry...it'll be good for you. But do spend some more time for yourself - on you. You deserve it after bringing up kids!
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Old 11-02-2002, 05:29 PM
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Draw your family close around you. Call, write and visit when you can. My husband and I just suffered the loss of our precious 15 year old son and then our oldest (20) bought a house and moved out, so we, too are empty nesters. We are so proud of our son for being so responsible, but we miss him terribly. He's just a few miles away, but it seems much further. Hang in there.

Katie
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Old 11-02-2002, 07:36 PM
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Katy, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your 15-year-old son, my heart goes out to you and your husband. It must have been very difficult for you to have also experienced your other son leaving home at this time. My prayers are with you.
Stargazer, Thank you so much for your suggestions. I think keeping busy is the best thing to do.

My husband and I did take a overnight trip to my daughters, and I think that really helped me. I could see that the place she is living in, is nice, and especially that it is in a pretty nice neighborhood and she should be safe. My granddaughter handled the move away from me, better than I did. She is so happy in her new house, and her new bedroom. When we returned home, our house still feels too empty and too big. Time will help I'm sure, and I feel guilty about being such a cry baby when there are so many other sad situations in the world.

Thank you everyone for your caring thoughts and words. This is a wonderful web site to be a part of.
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Old 11-02-2002, 08:56 PM
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I remember 9 years ago when our youngest daughter graduated from high school and moved to upper Wisconsin from Missouri to live with her boyfirend and his parents. All I did, too, for days was cry. The morning she left, she wrote on a wipe off board on our fridg "I love you, Mom, Melanie". I taped it over, moved it into the office and, in fact am looking at it now. That will never be erased!

After about 6 months, she returned to about 30 miles from here --- got a job, married, and had two little girls (Dana now almost 7 and Fiona almost 5). In fact I quit work to stay with Dana as Melanie worked a changeable shift schedule and her "husband" could not be bothered. Somewhere she divorced. Actually, since we did not live in the same town, Dana - later Fiona, would stay at our house for 5 days - then go to their house when Melanie had her 2 days off.

Then about 3 year ago, we helped her to move 2 1/2 hours away to a new job and now her very own house that she bought. The crying started all over again - I was so afraid that Dana and Fiona would not remember all of the time they spent with us and how much we loved them! Of course, as time has passed I can see how that just does not happen. When they come, there are two little bodies yelling GramMomMom as they race to me. It is still very very special.

I hunted for a low in state long distance and found Tel3 at 3.9 cents per minute - We four "girls" talk almost every day. Now that my husband is also retired, we try to get to Sarcoxie to spend a night from time to time - esp if school is cancelled for a day. Dana being in school has limited the time we can have them, but we also try for them every couple of weeekends - and some during the school vacation periods. In fact, tonight on the phone Dana told me "I am going to buy the house next door to you - the one on the right - and come over every morning to see you."

I still wish we were in the same town, but you can keep the lines of love open and the times you have together are very special. This past weekend Melanie and the girls and I went to Cameron MO to see my Mom. It was one of the very very few times we have been able to have together and it was such fun.

I know now how hard it had to have been for my Mom 40 years ago when I left with my husband for Ft McClellan AL. I had been an only child till I was 18 and she had twins (!!). Then, soon after I was married, the girls were 2 my Dad died from an mistake in a hospital. - And Charles and I pack up in a U-haul and head off. Thank God, after the 2 month school, He stationed us back here in MO at Ft Wood (Mom was in the KC area), so we were fairly close. But, I will always remember her standing in the doorway of our house waving to us - and know her heart had to be breaking.

My prayers and thoughts will be with you. We want our kids to grow up and live their life - but it is hard. Keep in touch with all of us and let us know how you are doing. Linda
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Old 11-03-2002, 05:28 AM
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empty nesters

All of the stories on here are so heartwarming that there isn't much I can add except to echo what the other ladies have said, allow yourself time to grieve and then try to find something to fill the empty hours.

My kids moved out, moved back, moved out again and each time was an emotional turmoil for me but I wouldn't have missed the opportunity of motherhood and watching them stand on their own for all the tea in china.

Time will help. I still miss my kids even though I love my grandkids to pieces. I keep telling my son that even tho it is very hectic in his life right now, that this is the best time of this life and to cherish every moment.

I hope as you travel through this change in you life that the pain is overcome by your wonderful memories.

Hugs, Linda
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