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Empty Nesters Are all of your kids gone? Need to talk to those in your situation? Stop by here!

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Old 11-08-2004, 02:29 PM
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What's a mamma to do?

My 3 sons have been fairly easy to raise and abided all the family rules. I was a SAHM and enjoyed helping in the classroom and sitting on bleachers for everyone of the games and tournaments through the years. I would have to say that giving them roots was not only fun, but very easy and they made me proud......

Until I had to give them wings, and don't agree with their decisions. I know that at this point I'm not a controlling factor, but just looking for comradary or sympathy. My 26 year old has decided to start smoking and move in with his girlfriend and my 19 year old has started smoking marijuana. I disagree strongly with all 3 of these actions, but what's a mamma to do?
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Old 11-22-2004, 06:05 AM
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I don't know what to tell you Cinderella except the values you taught them are still in them and hopefully they will come back to those values before any damage is done. It sounds like you have been a very good mom and done all you can and are expected to do so try not to blame yourself for their actions. Sometimes kids just end up doing things you would never expect from them and it shocks you but if you let them know you don't approve and then say nothing about it after that hopefully their good sense will help them change their minds. If you constantly fight them on the things they are doing they will continue to do them as much to try and prove their choices are right as anything else. I would be more worried about the one smoking pot than the other one cause that can lead to real trouble but I would still just pray about it. Good luck to you.
mouse
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Old 11-22-2004, 07:06 AM
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There's a verse in the Bible that says something like: Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. Some comfort, but it doesn't mention all that can happen in between the time you train him up and the time he is old.

I have 3 sons, also. 2 are out of the house now. They've made choices similar to yours. When one started smoking cigarettes, all I could do is make sure he knew smoking was not allowed in my house, in my car, or in the presence of his little brother.

As far as the live-in girlfriend, I try to be gracious. Because I have a feeling someday she will be my daughter-in-law.

Overall, my sons have grown into responsible, hard-working men, and I'm proud of them. I'm sure your sons are showing signs of all the good nurturing you've done, too. Try to focus on the good.
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Old 11-22-2004, 10:52 AM
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You raised your children to the best of your ability and taught them right from wrong. You instilled values. They are now adults.
Hopefully you taught them that there are consequences for every action they take.

I suggest you sit with your marijuana smoking son, and take him to sites that explain and show the destructiveness of marijuana.

The one that started smoking cigarettes, do the same.. show them what smoking does to lungs....

After that, the ball is in their court and they WILL pay the consequences for what they do.
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Old 11-22-2004, 03:34 PM
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Cinderella2 I also have 3 children. My middle one is 20 and he has made some choices that just break my heart. My children seemed easy to raise and I loved them and raised them with a strict hand.
My oldest is 22 and follows the lessons I have taught him, my DD will be 17 next month and is going through trials and I am guiding her. But my 20 year old is in the drug world and I have had him in a drug clinic and in church and in therapy. I tell him he can be in my home if he is clean and sober. It hurts me he has chosen not to even talk to me. I spend a lot of time in prayer as I have since my children were born.
I feel we have to give them to God and the problems also. We do our very best as parents and the world does its best to destroy what we have done. He will help your children. I will pray for yours as I do mine.
Hugs, Stormy
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Old 12-14-2004, 04:48 PM
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Thanks to all for your replys. I agree with the advice you offered, and have talked repeatedly ...to the point of preachy about smoking and all the assorted problems asscociated with it.

As far as the girlfriend, I have not been gracious and was even rude (which is not normally my nature) to her. But, I did invite them for dinner Sunday and was more social. Today when he was over to wash his car, I gave him some Christmas decorations for their apt. I still have not visited and really will have to put aside my feelings to go that far. I want them to know that I DO NOT approve of their living arrangements and think visiting may send mixed signals.

Thank God that son #2 is very close to perfect! He is 24, has graduated and is searching for a career. He is helpful, kind and works out all the time and would never do anything stupid to his body.
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Old 12-15-2004, 08:47 PM
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Just know we are here for you. There are a lot of ladies here that are more than willing to listen and give advice. I really do hope things get better. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
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Old 01-03-2005, 10:02 AM
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Well, my resolution is to be kinder to #1's girlfriend and she has responded well. I even went so far as to buy them a very nice used table for my folks to give them for Christmas. (The distance was too far for my Mom to do the shopping so she sent me a check for the boys) They really appreciated the gift. I bought her a sweater and my son clothes as well. They will not get a $ gift as long as either of them smoke, as I refuse to pay for cigarettes!

As for DS#3, I have warned him that to live in my house he is subject to drug testing at any time. He says he understands and is only drinking when he goes to partys and he has an 11:00 curfew on weeknights. He plans on taking classes at our local Community College starting Monday at his expense, because he dropped out of the semester we paid for. We will reimburse him for passed classes. He is ok with that.

Thank you, theirmom for your prayers. They are powerful and seem to be working. I will add you to my prayer list as well.
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Old 01-03-2005, 10:46 AM
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Cinderella, I have found that unconditional love is the key to having a relationship with wayward adult children. I, too, deal with this. My dd knows right from wrong, as we raised her in church and in Christian school. She is engaged, but living w/ him and they have a 3 month old baby boy. Her fiance was also raised the same way as she was. He smokes.
But, if we had been negative, harsh, and unaccepting, there is no way either of them would come to us when they do need help.
Even our future son in law bought me flowers and gave my dh and I a card with a handwritten note saying how much he appreciates us treating him with acceptance.
Our pastor has taught us some important things.
1. God's kids rebelled and were awful ! If God has kids like that, why are we any different? Doesn't make us bad parents.(been there, with the feelings of failing miserabley)
2. That we are responsible TO our children, not FOR them as adults. They are responsible for their own actions.
3. We love them, but not what they are doing.
4.That tough love is needed at times, not bailing them out of bad situations. They have to learn to face the consequences.
There are more, but these are the basic things. Of course, we would never allow them to do immoral things in our home. When they are here, they still must respect us. It is so very hard, I know. But, we have to keep being strong, being the example, and having faith that things will turn out in the end for good.
Hugs !
Stormy, still praying for you and your children.
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Old 01-06-2005, 04:50 AM
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Thank you Linda Lou, and those are some wonderful points you brought up. I never looked at it that way before. I know I have to love my children unconditionally. They have put me down some awful hard roads and are right now but we have to be there for them and try to lead them down the right path the best way we can.
I am praying for you both.
Hugs, Stormy
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