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Elementary Aged Kids Your little ones have grown up right before your eyes! They are no longer those little babies they once were, and soon they are moving to adolescence.

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Old 09-23-2006, 02:01 PM
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How to punish kids that are older?

I am today. I have been all day with my son. I have the worst headache right now.

He will be 9 in October. For a while now, he has been getting mouthier as time goes by but until now, I have handled it. Right now, I am so tempted to tape his mouth shut!

We have tried everything that I can think of as far as punishment--taking away his PS2, not allowed to go outside with his friends to play, no talking on the phone, especially to my mother ( and this punishes my mother ). We have grounded him, made him go to bed early and I'm sure more things too that I cant think of right now.

I know that I am not the only one here with kids this age. What do you for punishment at this age?

Is anyone else having a hard time with their kids at this age?

Help!!!
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Old 10-01-2006, 08:14 AM
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Perhaps changing your mindset from thoughts of 'punishment' to an understanding of what he is really trying to communicate would help.
With a persistent problem that escalates when sanctioned, there is probably a reinforcement issue for him in getting attention even though not the preferred type. Hence it's escalation.
Have there been any household changes recently? Is he feeling overlooked and 'bad'all on his own somehow? Is someone else modelling such verbal abuse to him?
A quiet time of discussion, maybe several in attempts to regain his trust, would bring out his real feelings that are provoking this.
Please try to remember that use of the word punishment implies bad and children often can't discriminate between bad actions and being a bad person.
Be gentle with yourself and him.
Lots of love and hugs work better than anything - for both of you.
imho, all the best.
Carol
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Old 10-01-2006, 08:29 AM
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Hey Tami...

Hello! It's been a long time, sorry to hear you're dealing with this kind of frustration!

First of all, have you had him checked by the pediatrician? Sometimes sleep disorders or even ADD, or ODD can be a problem and can be treated.

It sounds like you have tried all the usual behavior modification consequences. It is exactly what the "experts" reccommend.. but (silly question here.. ) have you ever told him (in his face, eye-to- eye) that his talking back, or using foul language is completely unacceptible, and that no matter how he speaks to other people in other places, that he may not.. not ever.. speak to you, or in your home that way?

Sometimes we get engaged in fights with the kids, and we forget to just draw the line for them. (You know the "Im the mom, that's why" line).

There are harsher behavior modifications.. but first, get him checked..

Val
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Old 10-01-2006, 08:43 AM
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My two cents:

Kids especially boys at age 8 to 10 get really really LOUD! Maybe some extra laps around the block and some extra long shouting at football at the television would help.

Soap on the tongue worked for us but then I had girls.
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Old 10-01-2006, 10:59 AM
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Boy trouble

My son had trouble with this in dealing with his siblings. He will be 10 in November. We had him checked for add since his dad has adhd. We have since started medication to help him control his actions(mouth). It has improved immensely. That does not necessarily mean that is what is wrong with your son. Someone mentioned above about attention. That was part of Joshua's problem too. He needed and craved the extra attention, but was going about it the wrong way. With help from his counselor and our pediatrician we have been able to work with his troubles. And now he is not constantly getting in trouble. Goodluck.
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Old 10-01-2006, 12:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dxlifer
Perhaps changing your mindset from thoughts of 'punishment' to an understanding of what he is really trying to communicate would help.
With a persistent problem that escalates when sanctioned, there is probably a reinforcement issue for him in getting attention even though not the preferred type. Hence it's escalation.
Have there been any household changes recently? Is he feeling overlooked and 'bad'all on his own somehow? Is someone else modelling such verbal abuse to him?
A quiet time of discussion, maybe several in attempts to regain his trust, would bring out his real feelings that are provoking this.
Please try to remember that use of the word punishment implies bad and children often can't discriminate between bad actions and being a bad person.
Be gentle with yourself and him.
Lots of love and hugs work better than anything - for both of you.
imho, all the best.
Carol
We have tried setting him down with each of us and then together to try to talk to him. We have asked many times if something is bothering him. The only thing that he has ever said was that he was tired of playing with his sister all of the time--we made some changes and he now spends a lot of time outside playing with his friends by himself. This worked until he didn't get his own way and then right back to the attitude.

He is definitely an extrovert and I have been reading up on how children who are extroverts need a certain kind of attention.

Thanks for the advice. I will continue to try the things that you have mentioned.
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Old 10-01-2006, 12:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lifestar
Hey Tami...

Hello! It's been a long time, sorry to hear you're dealing with this kind of frustration!

First of all, have you had him checked by the pediatrician? Sometimes sleep disorders or even ADD, or ODD can be a problem and can be treated.

It sounds like you have tried all the usual behavior modification consequences. It is exactly what the "experts" reccommend.. but (silly question here.. ) have you ever told him (in his face, eye-to- eye) that his talking back, or using foul language is completely unacceptible, and that no matter how he speaks to other people in other places, that he may not.. not ever.. speak to you, or in your home that way?

Sometimes we get engaged in fights with the kids, and we forget to just draw the line for them. (You know the "Im the mom, that's why" line).

There are harsher behavior modifications.. but first, get him checked..

Val
We have been talking about getting him tested.

Yes, I have drawn definite lines as to what is acceptable and what is not. He is a really good kid everywhere else except for home when he has his melt downs.

His answer to everything is "Okay, I will change" when he gets in trouble for lashing out. He has said it so many times that it's just a recording for him.
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Old 10-01-2006, 12:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jojess4
My son had trouble with this in dealing with his siblings. He will be 10 in November. We had him checked for add since his dad has adhd. We have since started medication to help him control his actions(mouth). It has improved immensely. That does not necessarily mean that is what is wrong with your son. Someone mentioned above about attention. That was part of Joshua's problem too. He needed and craved the extra attention, but was going about it the wrong way. With help from his counselor and our pediatrician we have been able to work with his troubles. And now he is not constantly getting in trouble. Goodluck.

What kind of effects does the medicine have on your son? My husband, more than me, is really leary about putting him on any kind of meds.

What other ways have you gone about to give him the needed attention that he needs?
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Old 10-01-2006, 01:06 PM
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Good luck, Tami. In my usual fog I wasn't even thinking about a 'terrible three' year old and a sister at that.
The physical testing is good as then you'll know for certain how best to proceed.
And take some time out for yourself as I know you tend to push yourself a tad too hard.
*said in all innocence*
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Old 10-01-2006, 02:13 PM
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The only thing I've found as the kids get older is to lose a priveledge for a punishment. It is one rule you have to stick with. My DS1 if he loses a priveledge the first thing to go is the computer and with the computer the play staion and any electronic games. First offence 2 days after that it accumulates. He lost all for 3 months, ( was 11 at teh time) we stuck religiously to that and he is very careful what he does now, although he's older and things change.
Find his fave thing that he would miss the most. If he's mouthing off give a warning that it will go, and if he goes on 1 day 2 days and stick to the punishment, he'll soon learn you mean business.

Sounds really mean I know but it worked for me. DS2 is pretty good he's seen ds1 get into trouble and rarely goes down that path
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