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Divorce Divorce can be an emptional and financial roller coaster. Talk about it with those who have been through it before.

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  #51 (permalink)  
Old 10-10-2002, 08:17 AM
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Well, he did not go to counseling. Called an hour and a half before the appt. to tell me that he was too busy. He told me to re-schedule, but wouldn't give me a time when HE COULD be there.
I talked to another counselor today, and she thinks that he is an alcoholic. Until he wants to deal with that problem, I can't do anything to try and help our relationship.
I care about, and love this man, but won't allow his behavior to drag me down any further. I intend to talk with him tonight about this issue. I have decided that ...IF he will admit that he has a problem with alcohol, and... IF he wants help, then I will be there for him. Otherwise, I have my life to piece together, and will not stand for anymore of his lies. I can't do or say any more than that. I don't expect any miracles during our conversation. He is in denial, and has started into some very self-destructive behavior.
I am going to continue my counseling, and seek out help in any place that I can find it. I have a friend at a mortgage co. trying to figure a way for me to re-finance this house. I will try my best to keep this house...I have to. My DD is very upset that we may have to move. She finally has a home, and wants to put down roots here. I feel the same way.
I'm finding out that this whole situation is NOT about me...it's about him needing me to support his alcoholism. He is a functioning alcoholic, and does very well at work, etc. It's just when work is done, there HAS to be a beer in his hand. He drinks a six-pack a night...at least. He normally does not drink liquor, but when he does, he gets VERY NASTY and wants to argue.
This would explain ALOT of the ongoing problems we've had since we met. But I can't fix this. Only he can.
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  #52 (permalink)  
Old 10-10-2002, 08:30 AM
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Hi Bett,
I was just thinking this morning about you & wondering if he showed up for counselling. It's too bad that he didn't show but that's his problem....you are right - You have your own life to piece back together and you need to take care of your wonderful child. It's really too bad that we as woman love so fully & without holding anything back.......Not really too bad as that makes us more compassionate folks it's just hard sometimes with our relationships.....I will be praying that the mortgage company will be able to work something out with you - It really would be wonderful if you can stay in the same place. I'm so glad that you have decided what you are going to do with you life & that you are continuing with counselling. I'll be thinking about you when you talk to him tonight. God Bless & Keep in touch!!!
Prayers,
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  #53 (permalink)  
Old 10-10-2002, 03:08 PM
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bettdev

I'm sorry that he didn't go to counseling with you. Some people are just too afraid to admit that they have a problem. It makes them feel weak and inferior. But you on the otherhand are showing that you ARE strong. I hope that the mortgage company works with you on re-financing your house. That would be a great help to you. It would be nice if you didn't have to move your daughter again. It's hard changing schools and making new friends. Good luck with your counseling. In the end you'll be glad that you went. I'll be praying for you.

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  #54 (permalink)  
Old 10-11-2002, 07:51 AM
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Good morning....


Dear Bett, Just a note, to let you know, that no matter what your decisions might be, we,
as 'sisters', will be always here for your needs and will be supportive. It is your life, and
you do know what you want for yourself and for your daughter. I am certain that you have reached the realization that you must 'think' before any automatic actions occur. My goes out to you.


Carol Ann
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Old 10-11-2002, 08:24 AM
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Dear Bett, Have to add one more warning about how vunerable you are at this stage...My daughter was going through a very tough time and thinking about leaving her husband...a guy who was a friend started really being extra nice to her. He 'understood' everything she was going through, was a great 'shoulder to cry on' and he went out of his way to do little nice things for her. At a time when the husband ignored her, she started feeling special again. You guessed it, she fell for the friend and ended up leaving husband and getting immediately involved and marrying the fellow within a very short time. She didn't want to listen to any 'advice'. He actually had all of us fooled with his 'really nice guy 'ways., even going to church with her. A very short time later, his true colors emerged and it was too late, but he was worse than the first husband. He was on drugs, threatened her with a gun, went through all her money, etc. Now she felt even worse, because she had made TWO mistakes. I can't stress enough that you really need to give space and time to this situation. There are so many of us that have such similar stories...and I bet that the women here all felt afraid to leave and scared to face life alone..but afterwards we all look back and say "was that me? How could I have been so stupid?" We all think our situation is different and others really don't understand... As a christian, I believed that I had 'made my bed' and should keep on forgiving and trying harder. I thank GOD that he made the husband leave me because I probably would still be in that horrible situation. God gave me another chance and life is GOOD! I can't wait to hear from you in a few months about what you are doing....hang in there...and please remember to report back.
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  #56 (permalink)  
Old 10-12-2002, 02:49 PM
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Lightbulb

I have met a guy JUST like that!
He is attentive, and supportive, really a nice guy. He seems to want to start a relationship with me, but thankfully......I'm just not attracted to him. He is more like my brother.
Hope that he sees this........don't want to hurt his feelings......
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Old 10-12-2002, 03:23 PM
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Bettdev

Just take all your relationships very slow. Whether you go with plan A,B, or C, just proceed very carefully. If you give yourself enough time and space, you will find there are a lot of wonderful men just waiting to spend some time with you. Take care. We care.
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  #58 (permalink)  
Old 10-13-2002, 10:12 PM
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Things are really starting to get better.......

I've found a new counselor, who is WONDERFUL!!!
She will counsel both myself and my DD for free!!!

Ever since last week, when I confronted my ex about his alcoholism...I seen to have peace of mind. I think that it is sinking in, that this was NOT my fault.
This man has had a hidden agenda all along. I've found numerous charges to his credit card, where he has joined dating services. This has been going on for a long time.
He joined a service 2 days after he left me...meetabride.com. Take a look at their site...it helps American men find Russian wives. How sick is that? He's in some sort of fantasy world.
The last thing I said to him after I spoke my mind was..."You are a waste of my time!". Just wish I had figured that out long ago.....
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Old 10-14-2002, 12:36 PM
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betdev...well congratulations on finding a new counselor....and things are working out in the sessions....please take heed and do not get involved in any relationships until you get your life in order and are on an even keel. You have a lot to take care of and deal with before you can even think of another relationship. Take care, stay in counseling and God bless...

Jeannie
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Old 10-14-2002, 01:26 PM
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Way to go-betdev!!!!!

You go Girl!!

Take one day at a time--like FLYLady says....

Baby Steps!!

Take care.............
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